Mom passed a month ago. I have hardly cried. What is wrong with me?

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Mom passed away a month ago after battling dementia for about 7 years. I have cried very little. Yes, I miss her; but I am relieved this is over. For the first 4 years of her disease, she lived alone in her home (60 miles from mine). An aide & I shared primary caregiving duties, with assistance from a sister & brother. Then Mom moved in with us for 2 months and it was a disaster. We moved her to an ALF, and her aide continued to help 4 days a week with the 3 siblings each taking another day. That was all good for 18 months until her stroke. After the stroke, she was moved to a NH 75 miles away & was there for her last 18 months. I visited her every Saturday, and now I am questioning if I did that out of obligation & not love. Also during this time a single older brother battled lung cancer & we (3 siblings) did what we could long distance to help him (he was 600 miles away) & his busy daughters. In the end, 2 of us would go down for about 5 days at a time, which meant that every 3 weeks or so I’d be down there. Now I am facing the caregiving issues with my in-laws — she has dementia & he, the primary caregiver, has lung cancer. I am trying very hard to back off & let the more local SILs take the reins. But that shouldn’t affect how I react to my own mom’s passing. She was a wonderful woman and I should be grieving more. What is wrong with me? Am I really that cold hearted?

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I think you are still in shock.

An indirect example of what I am saying.  Is that a good online friend nearly died in 2012.  She lives in Alberta, Canada; I live in the DC-Metro region.  Up to that point, I had known her since 2002.  I had emotionally supported her through several personal trials in her life.  Including the death of a fiance who was killed in Fallujah, Iraq; And an (ex)husband who 'came out' after the birth of their daughter.

It has been five years since she almost died.  But since then, I have been crying 'at the drop of a hat'.

Like when your mother died a month ago.  One of my younger cousins died from a stroke in June 2016.  She was only 40yrs.-old.  I still think about her, and fall apart. 
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To kdcm1011,
No, there is nothing wrong with you, there is a SILENT MAJORITY of us share the heartbreaking , painstaking dilemma you feel and the emotional wound that would remain forever. Us, who loved our parents . cared for them, had no support from outside. Lack of public awareness , politically driven and financially motivated agencies who would demonized someone in order to take possession of their assets. This conservatorship business had unlimited power in almost every sector and programs for financial gains. Since Oct. 2015 , my husband and I have faced ordeals no one would ever believed. Seniors with Alheimers are being medicated with numerous antiphsychotic drugs that make them worse. I could go on with these, and if you feel , you need a shoulder to lean on , please send a message. Take care. Christine
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Yesterday was Christmas and not one (l is in prison) called to say Merry Christmas. Not even my grandchildren. (10) Yet a memory came up about my mother: (she was deaf & blind in l eye) Mother (RIP) called every Christmas until she no longer could pick up the phone. I would laugh Everytime hearing her gibberish but it truly perked me up. I'm joyful that I took care of my mother b4 she passed away. A mother's unfailing love, I didn't learn until 10 years b4 my mother's death and I know, I'll never be the woman my mother was and she wasn't a saint, but she knew love. We all fall short. I want to be a good caregiver, but I get tired too. If you know how or still can, cut off the lights or turn the TV off that you turned on. Pick up your tissue lying around. This is your home and I'm not expecting you to do everything or remember everything BUT I don't want you to expect me to wait on you hand and foot when some of these things, I see and know you can do on your own. Can any live in care giver understand this? I'm here 24/7, I do most of the work, but you have a few chores while your still able, (folding towels, pillow cases, underoo's, wash 6-9 dishes, tie your trash up and make your bed) but because you took total care of your relatives, You expect the same from me. I not made that way. Help yourself while you can.
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I see various comments to the effect that "you will grieve later" and that's okay. It's also okay if you don't.

It can be strange sometimes as to what sets off grieving or crying. I mentioned earlier that I've never cried as a result of the death of a family member. However, about a year ago I was reading about WW II (in which my father fought as a fighter pilot in the South Pacific) and about the atomic bombs dropped on Japan, and I started crying when it occurred to me how many young Japanese women would have been killed (but I'll have to admit I have at least a mild case of "yellow fever").
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my mother still has her (ailing) physical body. she also has alzheimers. My mother actually died several years ago. I get glimpses of her occasionally. I have already grieved.
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I think you’re not grieving right now because it’s been a relief from all of your duties you had to do. I think grieving will come in time.
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well after posting what i did ,,i thought here might be a way to get your self to do it ..so my thoughts = right before going to sleep think of the good things of your mom & have pictures to to look at ..i do not know if you should get a sad feeling or good feeling & maybe can try melatonin they sell it at walmart look for purple & green trim purple cap 5 mgs i think it helps to get deeper sleep ..so i think having your mom in mind but good times i think then just go to sleep & hope you get a dream that will let you feel right for your Quest of relief ..like i said i miss my mom the way she use to be ..so maybe that will give you what you want try to keep doing it till it happens ..i had a dream of my dog that passed i didnt have a dream about her till a month later but i did not think of her as far as i can remember so good luck
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With long term illnesses that end the suffering for a loved one, you ready shouldn't grieve for them because you really have pre-grieved already - I don't know if that is a real word but it needs to be included - the pre-grieving is a bit some days & more other days - there is no formula or set 'amount' on how much you will grieve

Sometimes the length & manner of death can be a factor but long term dementia means you grieve each time they loose a milestone - like the first time they can't recognize you then you will grieve that issue - each loss of a person's personality or character is a small grieving that is done at the time - it is accumulative so even when they are still with you then you have grieved the passing of those milestones

I hope this makes sense - if your mom was 62 with long ALZ you may grieve her lost years but if she was 96 then she probably lead a good long life - each person is an individual so don't worry about not crying & grieving after they die because I'll bet you did lots before they died
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Hi, as others have said, everyone grieves in a different way. Don't feel bad that you hardly cried, your grieving was very probably done while your mother was alive. I remember shortly after my mother died, I burst into tears at hearing her favourite song. It came from no where. Someone once said to me, grief comes in waves, when you least expect it, something will remind you of your mother, like for me it was music.
Be strong, your mother would have wanted that, All the best, Arlene Hutcheon
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I agree with everyone here.
Try not to judge yourself so harshly..
It sounds like you've been (and continue to be) completely overwhelmed with caregiving hell, essentially. Having to focus on everyone else's problems may be putting you in a place that's hard to actually feel much of anything as you bounce from one crisis to another.
Give yourself some time alone in the car. Take long drives. You'll be amazed at what may surface if you let all of the demands on you fade away for a bit.
In the meantime, it's entirely possible that you've already grieved for the loss of your mom years ago when she stopped being the mom you knew. Frankly, dementia makes death a welcome thing in many ways, considering the emotional toll it takes on the families and caregivers.
I'm in a very similar situation: I cared for my beloved sister for 10 years as she fought breast cancer, then segued into my father's illness and death and have been at the helm of my mother's battle with dementia since 2010. It's exhausting. I love all of them deeply, but watching them all slip away slowly has been a slow form of torture over the last two decades. I'm not sure how much I'll cry either.
Be kind to yourself. I hope you'll find some time to process all of the stress you've been through and realize how strong you've been.
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