Gran is getting more and more agitated day by day. She's almost 90, and her kids fight about things all the time. What can I do?

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I take care of my gran during the day Mon-Fri unless I'm sick. I have a kid to take care of so it's all I can do. She's getting easily excitable and agitated now, usually triggered over food choices or the shots she takes and when she takes them. I know a bit of it is because her children are also elderly and have their own issues and are winding down themselves. She's also got a small bit of vascular dementia and worsening eyesight. My mom is dealing with an ailing husband and being exhausted all the time from her own physical ailments. My uncle is easily angered (not abusive) and it takes literally nothing to get him to hollering about how hard it is (he takes care of business and grounds keeping and repairs) but he's got really bad issues with his health as well. The only one left is the youngest daughter who lives in TX. I'm set to start school soon, and I'm worried. While she can stay by herself some, she really does need full time care, but money is tight and she doesn't qualify for any type of long term care aid. She's also stubborn as a bull. She may live to be a hundred, but her two oldest kids might not live for another 10 years. The infighting doesn't help, and she's scared of strangers coming in her home, and hates home health aids and caregivers. Is there anything else to do? I would move in but she can not stand children at this age. Her nerves are shot. I think it's causing her dementia to expand more, with all the craziness of just trying to figure out who is going to be with her during the day when things change. I understand this, but I have to think about my family, too. She hasn't even set up POA yet, and for the most part can manage her funds, knows what's coming in and going out. Her checkbook is still in her purse and she checks everything before signing the checks, and she knows what her bills are. That's a good thing, but if something major happens, like a stroke, what then? I'm so worried that she's going to drive herself crazy with all of this, and she's mad at the kids for the way they are acting (albeit, understandable) and she takes this as a sign to keep doing for herself on that part until she dies. I'm not buying it. I want her to have peace and love in her final years, but my words fall on everyone's ears like they are made of nothing.

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Dear honeybeemay,

It is awfully good of you to care for your grandmother as much as you have. It is a lot to put you on your young shoulders given you have a young child to care for as well. Treeartist has made a lot of wonderful suggestions. Please try and speak with a social worker and discuss all the options available for your grandmother. Even if no one in your family is listening, I would actively pursue this step on your own. You have a right to worry and everything you mentioned does need to be dealt with. Please know you are not alone. I know others will be adding their thoughts on this issue.
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I see this was posted two days ago with no response, so I will attempt to do so. It may be because your situation is fraught with difficulties. I had to read your post twice in order to even think about what advice to give.
      The main advice is to keep coming back to this site to read others' posts which might pertain to you. There are so many compassionate, experienced people here. Also, I thought about you holding a family council. My siblings and I had many of these when we were overwhelmed with the increasing needs of our parents. This is a meeting only for the people involved with your grandmother's care. We would hold the meeting at one of our homes, order pizza, and try to come up with a plan. Notes would be taken and instructions given, for example, call Elder Care attorney, check Medicaid eligibility, etc. Then one of us or more would sit down with our parents to lay our cards on the table. Yes, these meetings were sometimes filled with emotion, but necessary. I think so much of the caregiver stress comes from seeing everything falling apart and not having any kind of plan set up for when it does. It is difficut and frightening to see someone lose their ability to take care of themselves. I witnessed many times of denial in my family's journey with my parents. Denial that kept the status quo going while suffering from anxiety while waiting for the next crisis to happen. Taking action is a scary thing because it brings about change.
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