Would you give up looking after your child for your parent?

Follow
Share

My fiancé is a full-time carer for his dad who has Alzheimer's. He also cares for his grandmother who lives nearby delivering her food, changing her comode and she is calling him every hour to come down to make a cup of tea or open her curtains. I only see him on the weekends and even then we have no time together. He's constantly running around after his dad and grandma and I do feel a bit left out. We are due to have a baby in September and nothing will change, I'll be 100 miles away while he carries on caring for his family. His child will grow up not having their father about and when my fiancés caring is over, I'm not sure I want him just walking in and expecting a ready made family. He makes sure I go without nothing and we have a lovely home, but he never visits and I'm starting to wonder if I want to stay with him. Would you give up looking after your child for your parent?

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
18

Comments

Show:
You said, " I think I need to distance myself from him, he's not that man I once knew"
My very first thought probably not!!, because being a care giver changes you.
Now the question is, has he changed in a good way or a bad way...and is the change permanent? Is it possible that he feels you have let him down? By not supporting his efforts to be a good son & grandson? I'm only asking...and thinking of how often caregivers find themselves so caught up in the role that their perspective gets skewed. Have you asked him what *HE* would like to see happen? His "ideal"?
While listening to his answer please keep in mind that when we women are pregnant, it's quite common to view things differently than we would at other times. Just the other day at a family gathering, all the women were laughing about how this or that was "weird" while we were pregnant. Two ladies had a great time talking about how they literally couldn't STAND their husbands for the duration of their pregnancies! ! Ha! And the hubbies were standing there, smiling and nodding their heads, "Yep!".....
My advice would be to put the relationship on the back burner for now since it sounds like you are fine with being mostly self-sufficient and it appears that he might prefer that as well. But after the baby comes, and maybe other circumstances adjust, who knows? The 2 of you might rediscover the love that brought you together in the 1st place. Wishing you the best of luck..and love..in new motherhood as well as your other relationships. Take care, stay in touch with us!
(0)
Report

He doesn't want to move and leave his family and you don't want to move and leave yours. Sounds like the two of you are in the same boat. Just as well stay put and involve your older children in the raising of your newborn baby. Move on.
(2)
Report

I don't want to move there, I have older children in school here plus a good network of friends and family. If I gave that up then I'd be even lonelier. We are talking now and seeing how things go, thank you everyone for your input :)
(2)
Report

" he always lived at home" to me should have been a warning sign that he's not going to leave home. However, it is what it is and you must decide what you want now that a baby is in the way. I wish you the best.
(2)
Report

I was thinking that too? How about your living closer than 100 miles away, and then he  could be more involved with you and your up and coming "shared" baby?

Certainly, there are things that you could do to decrease the burden he has taken upon his shoulders, and remember, things can and most certainly will change, as his caregiving role evolves over time.

If he is the all around Good Guy you fell in love with initially, why not do some research, on how he can get in additional help, in the care of his Dad and Grandmother?

His Dad might well be close to entering a Alzheimer's unit, and Grandma a Nursing home or Assisted living place, but I would think that you two have a lot to discuss, before your baby arrives.

He's got a lot on his plate, trying to do the right thing, but he must find a way to prioritize his time, that includes being there for you and the baby that you mutually intended on having together. Good luck, and remember that you can do this alone if nessesary, many women do these days!
(1)
Report

Look. Your man thinks he HAS TO take care of his Dad, where and how his Dad wants to be taken care of. Your man thinks money and a nice house are enough to take care of you and a baby. He goes on thinking these things because this way he can feel he is doing everything right by everyone, and does not have to face uncomforatble challenges to his assumptions or the spectre of guilt for not being able to really do what is right by everyone.

He's forgotten that what matters to you is not his money and his being a "provider" but HIM, himself, and his being there for you. Remind him. At least open up the possiblity to come up with a diferent plan, even if you don't confront him with the ultimatum of absolute necessity to come up wtih a different plan right away. Can Dad move near you? Can Dad find an assistive living so the family can have enjoyable visits and not be consumed by care needs? Can you put that or any other ideas on the table?
(5)
Report

Happygolucky, I have friends who are single moms and things turned out fine. The fathers were loosely involved and paid child support. That child support certainly does help out. Since you may have lost interest in the father, you may want to discuss visitation, etc., with him and get support amounts lined up legally. Having and raising babies are expensive now. I was shocked when my niece got their bill last year.

If you don't want to be with your fiance, maybe it would be good to go ahead and get things set up so you can raise your child on your own. Do you plan on giving your baby your name or the father's name? I never have figured how that works.
(6)
Report

I am assuming this preg is planned as you say you knew he would not move to be with you when you started "trying".. so he was upfront about that at least. You knew what was up there... You say he makes sure you want for nothing, then say you pay the bills and he pays for gas? You don;t want to be married to someone your not living with, but you chose to have a child with someone your not living with ( or married to?). This is pretty convoluted. Is there any reason you can;t move since he is not willing to? You made a commitment to have a child together, and you have had a few years to see how things are now... if you want this to work.. and you know he won;t change then you need to assess what you really want..Compromise on what you can if you want a "happy family picture". If not, and it seems you may want out.. then move on.
(3)
Report

He has a lot of money saved up, he always lived at home so didn't spend much and has quite a bit in the bank. I wouldn't say he is taking care of my financial needs, I try my best to run the house on my own money but he fills my car up with petrol all the time and would give me money if I was struggling. We aren't married because I won't want to be married to someone I'm not living with, it just seems wrong to me. I told him tonight about how I feel (we talk all day on Skype) and he's turned off his light (it's 11pm here) and I think he's gone to sleep im so angry at him. When we met 3 years ago life was so good, we fell in love straight away and had so many plans but then his mum died and his dad got ill. I think I need to distance myself from him, he's not that man I once knew
(3)
Report

I was typing my previous answer while you were posting again, Happygolucky77.

Perhaps it is best to consider him a sperm donor, and get on with celebrating this wonderful new life that you longed for. Giggle looking at things in the infant department. Be joyful if your friends give you a baby shower. Enjoy the delights of being pregnant, without a lot of stress about the relationship that made this possible.
(6)
Report

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Related
Questions