Would you give up looking after your child for your parent?

Started by

My fiancé is a full-time carer for his dad who has Alzheimer's. He also cares for his grandmother who lives nearby delivering her food, changing her comode and she is calling him every hour to come down to make a cup of tea or open her curtains. I only see him on the weekends and even then we have no time together. He's constantly running around after his dad and grandma and I do feel a bit left out. We are due to have a baby in September and nothing will change, I'll be 100 miles away while he carries on caring for his family. His child will grow up not having their father about and when my fiancés caring is over, I'm not sure I want him just walking in and expecting a ready made family. He makes sure I go without nothing and we have a lovely home, but he never visits and I'm starting to wonder if I want to stay with him. Would you give up looking after your child for your parent?

18 Comments

Have you asked the father of your baby what he intends to do when the baby is born?
No I would not, but the real issue is whether or not your fiance would. It kind of looks like he has himself well tied up with his family. I agree to ask him what he plans to do once the baby is born.
The thing I'm not understanding is the decision to start a family at a time when the father is so tied up with pre-existing commitments that he can't commit time to the new family. Hmm??
Over my dead body. Kids first. Maybe once Es a father it will change. If not I'd start thinking he is telling you what he wants by his actions. Have the conversation- you're child deserves it.
He won't move here once the baby is born. I knew he wouldn't move here when we started trying, I was happy to have a child as I'm 40 and it's my last chance. It's only now my feelings have changed for him because I'm not getting any attention from him anymore
I wondered about how a man who is devoting his life to taking care of his dad and grandmother is making a living. Does he have money stashed back? Since he is taking care of your financial needs, I guess so. If he is taking care of both his father and grandmother, I wonder how much longer he will be doing it. If he is like many of us, your child will be on up in years before Dad will be available. I would have a good talk to him. His first responsibility will be to his wife and child.
I assume the pregnancy was not intentional? If this was planned, you sure should have discussed these issues at that time.

But, it is what it is now, and you need to plan for the future. Discuss this with the baby's father! In any situation when an unmarried woman is pregnant she certainly needs to know what the father's intentions are. Does he wish you would have an abortion and he washes his hands of the whole thing? Is he dismayed by the situation but promises to contribute financially? Is he thrilled to be a father and starts immediately talking about a very changed lifestyle? Consider his first reaction and also give him time to digest the information and discuss it again.

Does he expect to be a weekend father -- popping in and out of the child's life and always getting to do the fun stuff? How would that suit you?

Why aren't you married? I don't mean that as any kind of judgement. But the reason might shed some light on what you can expect.

Keep in mind that by law he has to contribute financially to support this child.

Also by law, he has a right to see his child. But that does not give him the right to come into your home and act like your partner if you choose not to continue that relationship.

It is admirable that he takes family responsibility seriously, don't you think? Offer to help him find ways to meet that responsibility without being physically present. Get Gram set up for Meals on Wheels and a visiting nurse and/or an aide. Dad with dementia may really need around-the-clock care that can best be provided in a care center of some kind.

Discuss this thoroughly with the man. Think thoroughly about what you want. Make a decision for at least the short term.

To answer your title question, I can say without hesitation that once I had a child his welfare came ahead of all other priorities. That didn't mean that I neglected my husband or didn't do things for my parents. Lots of other relationships are extremely important and need to be maintained. But the welfare of the children takes precedence until they are adults.

Please come back and tell us the progress of this situation. What does the dad want? How much is he willing to change? How much are you willing to accept? We care.
I notice that you say that he is your fiancé. So, are you actually going to marry this guy? When? I don't think that I would. I hate to be so blunt, but it sounds like he wanted his cake and eat it too. If I were in your shoes, I would not have any feeling for him other than being used.
I was typing my previous answer while you were posting again, Happygolucky77.

Perhaps it is best to consider him a sperm donor, and get on with celebrating this wonderful new life that you longed for. Giggle looking at things in the infant department. Be joyful if your friends give you a baby shower. Enjoy the delights of being pregnant, without a lot of stress about the relationship that made this possible.
He has a lot of money saved up, he always lived at home so didn't spend much and has quite a bit in the bank. I wouldn't say he is taking care of my financial needs, I try my best to run the house on my own money but he fills my car up with petrol all the time and would give me money if I was struggling. We aren't married because I won't want to be married to someone I'm not living with, it just seems wrong to me. I told him tonight about how I feel (we talk all day on Skype) and he's turned off his light (it's 11pm here) and I think he's gone to sleep im so angry at him. When we met 3 years ago life was so good, we fell in love straight away and had so many plans but then his mum died and his dad got ill. I think I need to distance myself from him, he's not that man I once knew

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

Please enter your Comment

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support