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She has not arranged for new housing, but insists she is "working on it." She has multiple physical and emotional problems: heart disease, pre-diabetes, fibromyalgia, hypochondria, emotional outbursts, depression, you-name-it, but has had no medical care for 8 + months. She takes some medication for heart, thyroid, and blood pressure, but also self-diagnoses and self-treats with vitamins and supplements - easily 25 or more pills a day. She is angry, opinionated, verbally abusive, secretive, frightened, and entitled. She is out of bed for 7-8 hours per day, at the most, and spends the majority of that time in the guest room with the door shut and locked. She is not a substance abuser, but spends most of her time reading or online. I am a single professional woman, still working at 66 in a job I love and intend to keep until at least 70. I also provide a home for our amazingly healthy mother. My sister has a minimal income, but a nice nest egg. She refuses to leave my home, and the situation is driving me and my mother to distraction. Any attempt to discuss the situation - even one sentence - is met with an explosion of anger and/or tears. She has said awful things to my mother and me. Legal action to remove her is hard for me to even contemplate, and would be hard on my mother, but both of us are thinking that this is the only option. We are worn out.

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I just caught that she has kids of her own.. and I get that they have problems of thier own "dealing with this".. but you are also taking care of your healthy (for now) mother, and both of you are upset about this. So you are letting them pass the problem on to you and Mom. This is not right . They are younger than you, and it;s thier mother.. make them man up. Set a date...tell them you will help with the local logistics..but make them take some responsibility! And get her out in a reasonable time frame! Maybe she could move near to them?
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How long does the eviction process take, Jiri?
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If you get an apartment for sis (pre-pay a few months + surreptitiously shuttle her belongings there), whose name will be on the lease? If you do this behind sis' back, it'll be your name and signature -- not hers.

This makes you the accountable party when sis neglects to pay rent. Or causes a disturbance. Or doesn't take out her garbage for 6 months and someone reports the smell.

Not to mention, you'll be hard-pressed to find a landlord who'd agree to such convolution.

And -- just speaking for myself -- I'd be suspicious of a landlord who IS on-board with out-of-the-gate subletting. Low standards at move-in generally means no standards after the landlord starts collecting the money.

I love the concept. The devil is in the details. Keep thinking out-of-the-box.

And don't be afraid to come across as "mean" or "harsh." Your sister is passive-aggressively torpedoing your household and (at least) 2 generations of family harmony. THAT's mean. THAT's harsh.

Don't let sis gaslight you. Stay strong. Your house, your rules.
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kiri, when I was in my 20s my mother came to stay in an apartment I shared with a girl friend "while looking for a place for herself" but she never looked. She stayed on the sofa, expected to be waited on and contributed nothing. She has Borderline Personality Disorder and is narcissistic, so she always ranted and raved when she did not get her way. When I perceived that she was quite comfortable and did not intend to move out, I sat down with her every evening with the newspaper and said we will look at what places are available for you. Predictably she got mad and said some nasty things (What's new?) and eventually flounced out and went to stay at the "Y".

I agree do not let your sister's emoting stop your discussions/actions. She knows perfectly well what she is doing. Yes, she needs help, but she is also manipulating you. There are options like getting her an apartment and moving her out as suggested, or when she breaks down calling 911 and having her taken to hospital and refusing to take her back. You are enabling her by allowing her to stay with you. It is not doing her, or anyone, any good. If it has to be tough love, and legalities, so be it. Good luck and keep us updated.
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Thanks, everyone. Under the circumstances here, the remedy in my state is an action for criminal trespass; a lengthier eviction process isn't required. But once that begins it can't be recalled, and I really don't want her to have to deal with that when she's already so clearly overwhelmed. As for the emotional blackmail, she simply locks herself in her room and refuses to talk. I'm preparing a letter, sort of intervention-style, and hope that she will be able to feel safer if she can "hear" what I have to say in a letter rather than in person, when she inevitably goes on the offensive. Glad I joined up here. It's not that I really don't know what to do - I've worked with a counselor who agrees with you folks. :-) But there's no one else in the family to help here - my mother is sad and doesn't have the stamina, and my sister's kids have their own challenges dealing with this and are several states away. I'm sort of in this on my own, and am grateful for the moral support!
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If you move her out without notice....be sure you change all your locks at the same time!
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Here is a suggestion similar to how to get a young adult child to move out. Find a reasonable apartment for her without her. Pay for maybe 3 months. Take her out for the day while others move her stuff. At the end of the outing give her surprise present that you paid for the first couple of months as her present then leave. She may be angry but the bright side is you solved your problem. This worked for 2 of my younger family members so that the parents could become empty nesters.
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I totally agree with Jeanne that as long as you make your sister "comfortable" she has zero incentive to change.

But she needs to change, for her own sake let alone your and your mother's, because at the moment her life is 100% poo.

Hence the anger, the outbursts, the fear, the avoidance of anyone (doctors, e.g.) who might tell her what she needs to do. She is afraid and she is miserable.

Get tough and you will only be helping her.
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"Any attempt to discuss the situation - even one sentence - is met with an explosion of anger and/or tears." And .... ? Why does this emotional blackmail stop you? She's crying or she's angry, but you can keep talking.

"Sister you have stayed much longer than any of us expected, and it is now time for you to find a place of your own. If you want help searching I'll be very happy to help you. Or do it on your own. But I expect you to leave here by July 15th." [Or any date you feel is reasonable, of course.]

Meanwhile, research what the procedure for eviction is in your county. Let's hope you never have to go that far, but educate yourself on exactly what the requirements are. Be prepared to got through with the legal remedy.

It sounds like Sis could really use some help, medically and psychologically. But she isn't pursuing any help while she has you to sponge off.
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Dear Kiri,

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. There is a lot going on with your sister and it sounds like she needs some sort of intervention. Maybe Adult Protective Services needs to be called. It sounds like maybe she needs a therapist, social worker or a new doctor to help her manage her care as well. It is tough. I know you have been more then generous with your home. I hope a social worker can point you in the right direction.
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