Tired, mentally strained and cannot stop.

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I went like normal to visit my mom yesterday. I have started going at different times because the nursing home is full and understaffed. My mom's room "was" at the end of the hall and around a corner. When I got there her door was shut I pushed it and it was jammed. I could see my mom's wheelchair. I hollered Mama are you in there ?...she said yes I fell. I hollered down the hall for help they called a code green which means a patient has fallen. We went through the bathroom in the next room and there sat my mom on the floor...feces everywhere on the bed ..on her wheelchair and her. I came unglued...I walked out of the room into the hallway so staff could get her up and cleaned. Unfortunately when I get mad I cry...some came out and said they were sorry that happened... some came out with excuses...she shouldn't try to get up by herself...blah blah blah the excuses flew right through me. I said " My mother was sitting in the floor covered in S*#* ...for how long ?? I had them move her to a room by the nurses station so staff can see her and people walking down the hall can see her. They also moved her roommate with her. My mom's roommate is semi comatose and tube fed, but she is the perfect roommate for my mom and my mom loves her I think she gives my mom purpose because she feels she takes care of Miss Betty. My mom's mind is going quickly since she broke her hip in March. She didn't have any idea how long she had been on the floor, but she was still in her gown had not been bathed or dressed. I go everyday day except weekends what happens to the one that do not get visitors ? The home is only 5 minutes from where I work and 15 minutes from my home. We live very rural so moving her would mean I wouldn't be able to see her all the time the nearest facility is almost an hour away. I absolutely hate this...I hate that people judge you for placing someone in a nursing home. I am an only child I cannot take care of her by myself. I do the very best I can. She is the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of when I go to bed. I am so ready for her to just die she would not want to live like this if she understood ...I hate seeing her like this...I hate worrying.. I have children and grandchildren I would like to visit and not worry about leaving her. It affects everything that happens in my life. Everyone says well you just take care of her like she did you...she didn't take care of me, but I will say the woman that didn't take care of me died a little while ago and left in her place a shell of a pitiful woman who can no longer take care of herself, is delusional and a bit crazy. She has several issues to include cirrhosis, latent syphilis that was treated but not soon enough to not cause her mental issues , COPD and CHF. Well, that is my rant for the day...I have to come here every so often to just unload how many people can you say these things to ??. I have even had people say "I would never put my parent in a Nursing home" well screw you ...never say never unless you have walked the same path..


My mother (88, with parkinsons, many strokes, a broken hip and dementia) is in a NH nearby and it's lovely. An older building, spotless and the staff are wonderful. Whenever I visit, whatever time or day it's always the same and she's clean and comfortable. She's deteriorated terribly in the past month or two, now bedridden, unable to speak, sleeps most all the time, eats and drinks very little and her mind is gone. She will probably pass in the next days or weeks but she's in no pain.
BTW my mother often tries to get out of bed and there's a bed alarm but of course by the time staff dash in there she's on the floor. The duty nurse calls me to inform, even though there's been no harm done, and writes up a report of the incident. This is how it should be and I'm so grateful she is there.
Please don't get down on yourself. Hugs.. You've done what is best for her and yourself... The staff is aware of how you feel about the fall and you need to meet with the appropriate staff to make sure it doesn't happen again..
I'm sorry people have been so insensitive as to tell you that putting your mom in a facility was the wrong thing to do. They obviously have no idea what it takes to be a caregiver.

As for you caring for your mom because she cared for you as a child, when you were a baby you weren't a full grown person with already formed personality traits, and opinions. When you were a young child you didn't have multiple illnesses and your mom was able to lift you off the floor if you fell. As toddlers we grow out of diapers, we don't grow into them fighting it every step of the way, embarrassed and humiliated. And as children our minds didn't begin to erode day by day. There is NO comparison between our parents caring for us when we're children to our caring for our parents when they're elderly. Don't pay any attention to any of that and you're very right. People don't know anything until they've walked in our shoes.

Can you take a few days off from the nursing home just to catch your breath and rest? My dad was in a nursing home the last several months before his death and while I cared for him in my home I realized that the caregiving didn't stop just because my dad went into a facility. It became different but it didn't stop.

I hope you can get some respite soon. You need it and you deserve it.
Eyerish yes the care giving doesn't end, it just gets different. I've found that it is easier as you do have some time to yourself but it never ends. I visited this morning just before lunch and when an aide came to collect her, no Madam, absolutely wasn't going to have lunch. After I got insistent she wanted to know what the soup was (gotcha!) so I got all Sgt. Majorish, had the aide get her to go pee and wheeled her down to the dining room. Parked her at her place and said if she didn't eat her soup her table mates would get after her which made her smile.

Monday she was out of it, today she seems a little better. She comes and goes by the hour, by the day.
2ts, don't be so hard on yourself. I too cry when I'm mad. Take care of yourself. I'm sure you made your point to the NH staff. As for anyone who questions your decision, smile sweetly and say, oh, but I want my Mom to have Professional care. My grandma, cared for by my mom at home, died of gangrene. Not the way I want my mom to go.
2tsnana, think of it this way.... your Mom could have fallen and been in the same situation whether she was living at a facility or in your own home. Elders fall, and we aren't always there at the minute it happens.....

I remember my significant other finding my Dad [92] face down in the dirt when Dad fell in his own backyard. Mom [96] couldn't hear him calling for help as she is almost deaf, and she couldn't see him because of her now poor eye sight. Apparently Dad was down for a half hour before a neighbor spotted him.

As for comparing taking care of a child compared to taking care of an elder, that's like apples and oranges. Remember this, ones parents usually were in their 20's and 30's when you were a child, not in their late 50's, 60's and 70's.
I know just how u feel by being stressed tired and drained to the max

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