The silver lining with controlling siblings.

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My 85 year old Dad is very sick and the doctors are trying to find out what is going on. Within one week he went from going to work everyday (he runs a one man small business) to not even being able to walk. My sister is his medical proxy because she is a nurse practitioner. She is VERY involved in all of my parents medical affairs which is a mixed blessing at times because she has an aggressive and controlling personality, at times even abusive if people don't do what she wants.

Last Friday I was asked to take my Dad to see a specialist which I was happy to do. While I was there I answered all of the questions as best I could. My Dad asked me to find out what his new medicine regime was because things had changed and he was worried about not having the proper meds. The specialist told me to ask his primary care doctor which I did when we got home. There was confusion about what meds had changed and she said she would call back. I got a call back from my sister instead who had also contacted the doctor with a question. She was very angry that I had called my Dads doctor and told me that she was medical proxy and that I was out of line. I was only doing what mt father asked and he gave permission over the phone to the doctors office when I called.

She went on to criticize the specialist and grilled me about what information I did and did not give him. My Dad is very passive with his medical providers and does not always let them know the extent of his symptoms. I answered all the specialists questions and stressed how sick my Dad was but apparently my sister thought I should have done more.

A few days later I happened to call home when my Dad was being picked up by ambulance, heading to the emergency room. My Mom becomes confused in an emergency so I was very unclear as to what was going on. I decided to drive to the hospital because I thought he was there alone, I knew my Mom was staying home. She did not tell me my sister was with him. My sister was not pleased. I was there to support my Dad not to get involved in the medical goings on but I guess she did not think I should have come at all. At one point a doctor asked me when a particular symptom had stared and she pushed in front of me and told him that she was the person he was to talk to, it was a little humiliating. Later she re visited my apparent mis handling of the doctors visit and reiterated that she was his medical proxy. I told her that from this point on I would not involve myself in the medical part of my parents lives.

I was upset at first, not because I have a problem with her having control in this area but because of the disrespectful way she treats me. After a while I was able to calm down and realize that she treats everyone this way, not just me. She is never going to change. I really DON'T want to be responsible for medical decisions. I don't have a medical background and I am very happy to put the whole thing in her hands. It's actually a relief AND it is better for my parents, the last thing they need is a power struggle among us siblings.

So, the silver linings? I am relieved of involvement in something that I never felt comfortable with to begin with AND I realize more fully that my sisters stuff is her own, I don't have to let it get under my skin.


Good for you! You sound very emotionally healthy. And you're right, your sister's behavior has more to do with her than it does with you. Now that you have that knowledge you can steer clear of her and let her handle it all since it's very obvious that's how she prefers it.
You are fortunate to have a family member who understands all the medical stuff.. Let her have at it... But I would let her know that you felt humiliated in front of the hospital staff.. If the disrespect continues it might get ugly..
Thank you for your support :) Unfortunately the disrespect is a part of my sisters personality. There have been times when it did get very ugly between us and the last situation basically broke something between us. I have tried in countless ways to let her know how her bully tactics and disrespect affect me but to no avail. I have tried to understand her so I could be more understanding and compassionate, which helped me to feel better about myself, but her behavior never changed. I think the best I can do now is to accept that this is the way she is and do my best to steer clear of her. When I can't avoid her I will try not to take her disrespect to heart. I'll vent to others when I need to and remind myself that I have not caused her to act this way. I have an issue with thinking I'm the cause for abusive treatment from others.

It helps for me to remind myself that she behaves this way towards everyone, not just me. Yesterday she had a big fight with my Dads doctor and threatened to report her to the hospital because my sister thought the doctor was being rude. Never once did it occur to her that her own attitude might have precipitated the altercation. She was a victim pure and simple. If you even hint that she might have done anything wrong she goes ballistic. Sadly my parents will not stand up to her, she is their advocate in the medical world and they are afraid of losing that.

I guess today she and the doctor are on better terms so I'm not going to fret about that. I'm going to just try and be grateful for her services and detach from her personality. If her attitude threatens my Dads treatment I would feel obliged to intervene but so far that's not a problem.
If it was me I would have felt a little giddy when your Dad's Dr called your sister out!!

I understand how you feel about accepting.. I have 5 siblings who rarely, if not at all, contact my mother, so I have tried to accept that this is their decision, they will have to live with when my 91 yr old Mom passes.

Good luck with your sister. I bet there will be more sparks flying between her and the Dr's! LOL
I admit I did feel a little smug when she told me. It sort of felt like vindication. Thank you for the well wishes.
It sounds as if your sister could be a narcissist or have another personality disorder. There are many articles on-line about narcissism and personality disorders.
I have a controlling identical twin sister who hasn't had ANYTHING to do with anyone in our family for nearly 10 years, she unfortunately reappeared after learning that my father was diagnosed with terminal Glioblastoma Brain Cancer. My husband and I had moved an RV into my parents back yard and had been care taking for my father for about 3 months when my Evil Twin decided she wanted to move her travel trailer into the back yard, even though she works full-time for the Oregon Department of Human Resources and there wasn't enough room in the back yard for two RV's anyways, so her solution was to have a FALSE report of ELDER ABUSE filed against me with Adult Protective Services! The Elder Abuse charges were False and therefore went nowhere, so the following day my Evil twin called the local police department and made a bogus report against me. She was hoping to have me arrested! Needless to say, under the advice of the police I left for a few days to let the situation cool down and my sister used the opportunity to swoop in and move my RV to a vacant lot down the road from my parents and move her RV in ..... so now my husband's staying at my parents house, sleeping on the couch and care taking for my father by himself while my sister stays in her fancy RV doing absolutely NOTHING! I'm angry and frustrated! I believe my sister abused her position as an employee at DHS by filing a False Elder abuse report against me, among other things .... My sister is definitely a narcissist!

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