My 85 year old Dad is very sick and the doctors are trying to find out what is going on. Within one week he went from going to work everyday (he runs a one man small business) to not even being able to walk. My sister is his medical proxy because she is a nurse practitioner. She is VERY involved in all of my parents medical affairs which is a mixed blessing at times because she has an aggressive and controlling personality, at times even abusive if people don't do what she wants.
Last Friday I was asked to take my Dad to see a specialist which I was happy to do. While I was there I answered all of the questions as best I could. My Dad asked me to find out what his new medicine regime was because things had changed and he was worried about not having the proper meds. The specialist told me to ask his primary care doctor which I did when we got home. There was confusion about what meds had changed and she said she would call back. I got a call back from my sister instead who had also contacted the doctor with a question. She was very angry that I had called my Dads doctor and told me that she was medical proxy and that I was out of line. I was only doing what mt father asked and he gave permission over the phone to the doctors office when I called.
She went on to criticize the specialist and grilled me about what information I did and did not give him. My Dad is very passive with his medical providers and does not always let them know the extent of his symptoms. I answered all the specialists questions and stressed how sick my Dad was but apparently my sister thought I should have done more.
A few days later I happened to call home when my Dad was being picked up by ambulance, heading to the emergency room. My Mom becomes confused in an emergency so I was very unclear as to what was going on. I decided to drive to the hospital because I thought he was there alone, I knew my Mom was staying home. She did not tell me my sister was with him. My sister was not pleased. I was there to support my Dad not to get involved in the medical goings on but I guess she did not think I should have come at all. At one point a doctor asked me when a particular symptom had stared and she pushed in front of me and told him that she was the person he was to talk to, it was a little humiliating. Later she re visited my apparent mis handling of the doctors visit and reiterated that she was his medical proxy. I told her that from this point on I would not involve myself in the medical part of my parents lives.
I was upset at first, not because I have a problem with her having control in this area but because of the disrespectful way she treats me. After a while I was able to calm down and realize that she treats everyone this way, not just me. She is never going to change. I really DON'T want to be responsible for medical decisions. I don't have a medical background and I am very happy to put the whole thing in her hands. It's actually a relief AND it is better for my parents, the last thing they need is a power struggle among us siblings.
So, the silver linings? I am relieved of involvement in something that I never felt comfortable with to begin with AND I realize more fully that my sisters stuff is her own, I don't have to let it get under my skin.