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I spent three days packing and moving Mom to a low-income eligible lovely IL/AL facility. No help from family despite my asking for help. I worked with a family friend who helped me with organizing everything, meetings, upfront fees, moving furniture and belongings. Mom was staying with my sister the night before our friend B was to take Mom over, do final paperwork, pay a few final fees, and show Mom around/get her settled.

I call to tell sister and Mom what will happen, B calls too. Sister gets all upset that B is "bringing her checkbook." Seems Mom spent two days complaining about B to sister. After sister hangs up on B, I talk to my BIL. He asks why B is paying for stuff, we don't need B, why didn't I ask family for help with finances. Family members who don't have money. I said to him that I told everyone the numbers, if they had questions, they should have asked.

I also told him that I need B. I've been left alone to figure it all out. B stepped up to help. Now Mom, who has taken from everyone all her life, suddenly doesn't want to be tied to B. BIL says he and sister will take Mom to the facility, do final paperwork, pay final fees. Will pay ongoing cost overruns Mom will have because she has never lived within her means. Wants B to butt out.

Now I am getting messages from BIL, who has been at the facility maybe 2 hours and has jumped into all the work B and I did and is being deluged with info. He is backtracking. I was just trying to get information, is all, he says. Mom and sister were just upset.

Now, he told me by phone he would cover her extra costs until the Va benefit kicks in. He told me to butt out. But now he's changing his tune.

I have had it. I want her out of my life. I told B we stand down. Let them have her. Let Mom have them.

I want to turn off phones and email and not answer them. I want to say "I don't know what to do about that." I cannot believe this is happening. I couldn't believe the takeover attempt. And now I cannot believe the backtracking.

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Yes, I would take this as a time for a little vacation from caregiving. I would bet you'll be asked back at some point, but at least you can be refreshed/re-energized. Look at it as being a positive that someone else is picking up the responsibility, rather than a judgment on how you've handled things so far.
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Believe me they will ask you back in no time! Just keep your cool and visit, don;t pick the reins back up again. And thank your friend B and your cousins for all the help. My cousins got me through this mess when I had to move my parents here!
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Well they aren't backtracking now. In fact, I now feel I've been shoved out. True, I said I had no more to give. But that doesn't mean I want the cold shoulder.

Why is this all so complicated?
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Yes, I think I might be able to benefit from this new turn of events after all. I checked her account and he did add some funds to it. He emailed the family that they bought food, too.

Thankfully no one has a key to our house. Mom didn't have one - she took one with her the few times anyone but me took her anywhere. And I live 2 hours away from sis, too. So I'm not worried about that, thank goodness.

Pam, when you said move forward without them, I somehow thought me and Mom move forward without them. Now I see I can move forward without all 3 of them. Get my life back.
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cm, you can still worry about your mom. That's good. It will be an incentive for you to VISIT mom in AL and make sure she's okay. Remember, you Have been caring for your mom in your home for 3 years. Your sister and BIL decided that they can do better than you, so they took over. Let Them! You and B tried to do it. Sis and BIL just barged in, took over and were very very rude to B. For all that B was doing for your mom, that is just so wrong. So, cm, please just back off. Let the phone ring, answering machine kick in. Ignore the urgent text messages/emails.

Worse case scenario? Mom will end up staying at sis' home. I hope your sis doesn't have a key to your home? I hope sis doesn't have the nerve to drop off your mom at your place (and not come back for her.) I've read that happening here on AC from some posters. As for your mom, karma.
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Yep, BIL now says he was just asking about options. Acting all surprised about why B won't take his calls and why I'm not doing what I was doing. I was using my final reserves to make this happen. He zapped me and now can't understand that.

I talked to my brother last night who BIL asked to help with money for Mom. The brother who slept on a sectional couch for 7 years because of our parents' selfishness. Who was one of 6 kids who were neglected, abused by neglect. That brother really wants to put mom on a budget - a no cable, no phone, go out and visit with people for your entertainment budget.

I am seeing a way forward and to freedom through this. Yes, Veronica, I do worry about her care. I don't want to. In a way, he has done me a favor, maybe. He's an arrogant SOB, but maybe Mom is getting what she deserves in dealing with my brother and sister.
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You can't let it go because it's your mom and you worry about her care. Cable what a good idea at least she will have something to take her mind off feeling hungry. BIL will get the hang of it in time. I guess mom will speak up too. The cheek of the man telling you not to speak to B.
Pam has it right move forward. you have been freed of all responsibility. Enjoy your freedom. Blessings
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I cannot go forward, BIL took over. He kicked out the person helping me and told us he would handle it all.

Now he is emailing that all he really wanted last night was just some information and oh, look, they got cable set-up today and talked to the house manager. Nothing about setting up the meal plan which B was going to do because Mom has no money until her next SS payment.

I cannot coordinate with the AL place during weekdays, so B was doing that. I cannot pay for extras, B was doing that. When BIL said Mom doesn't want you talking to B I said okay, I won't. But that means I cannot oversee her care anymore.

I guess he isn't clear that I took him seriously last night. I am tapped out. I quit.

Why can't I let it go?
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Sounds very familiar, a Monday morning quarterback kind of thing. We got Mom to a one-month trial and SIL & BIL were shocked. They were not sure it would work. Then I asked them what they wanted from her house. Nothing at all they said. Mom love the place within three days. Agreed to rent out her house to help pay the bill. Time to clean the house out. SIL & BIL hesitant. So I called the cousins who appeared by the dozen on Mar 15th. Furniture was flying out the door. SIL & BIL arrive and go in shock mode, mouth agape "What about......?" Some of it was already gone. Some of it was already tagged with a post-it. When they complained they were offered the joy of taking over the project. They did not. Just move forward without them.
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Wow pretty typical someone wants control then drops it like a hot potato when they find out what is entailed.
I would say leave them to it. they wanted it, they got it. they can deal with it.
Mom has been taken to a safe place where she will be supervised. you and B have done your part. Kudos to the pair of you for a job well done. When the dust has settled you can visit but do not take any resonsibility. Let the phone go to voicemail and decide which if any emails to answer. send mom a nice card or flowers for Mother's Day but that's it.
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