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My MIL lived with us starting last July, I agreed to be her care-taker. I am medically retired due to back problems, but at the time she was ambulatory. In Oct/Nov, she became ill with multiple UTI and at that point needed assistance up and down, in the toilet, etc. I was unable to continue care due to my back issues. In addition, her dementia became worse. We discussed with my husband's brothers the need to place her. Her income is such that we could not afford to place her in a memory care facility, but I found a very nice board and care facility nearby. She is on hospice and seen on a regular basis by nurses and the facility has LVN staff. My husband's oldest brother did not see her during this time. I developed pneumonia two days after Christmas and was unable to see her for approximately one month. When I was better, we took my husband's brother to see her at the facility (he had not bothered to see her for 3 months). Shortly after this he began visiting her weekly. He has accused staff of over medicating her, that she wasn't this bad when he went in to the facility (she was, he had not seen her for at least one month). Now he is prompting her to say she does not like it there (but she cannot tell us why) and he is prompting her to guilt us into taking her back into our house even though I am unable to care for her. I don't known what to do to make him stop this behavior. And no, non of us has POA. I am just so frustrated at this man!

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My husband does support me. BIL has not returned my husband's phone calls. MILs health situation was not reported accurately to us by husband's younger brother who lived with her and we saw her early in the day, before sundowners would hit. TOO late for POA by the time she was hospitalized and then came to us. We cannot afford attorney's fees for conservatorship and neither can the older or younger brother. Older brother is the problem and he has history of anger and relationship issues.
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I don't think that hospice nurses need to have a doctor's specific order for a given drug. They seem to have a blanket order for a wide range of drugs to use as they see fit, for the comfort of the patient. And what is used on a hospice patient may be seen as "over medicating" on a patient who is expected to improve and get well. I don't think BIL has grasped the true situation here.
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Just for the record, the home is not medicating anyone. Someone needs POA, to see what the doctor is prescribing.
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Unfortunately I don't know how you can control your BIL. Perhaps he is sincere and just misguided. Perhaps he is a dedicated trouble-maker.

But you can control your own actions. Be very clear and very firm in stating, as often as necessary, that you will not be taking MIL back into your home. Suggest to BIL he may want to start the difficult job of looking for other places in case this one does not work out, because YOU WILL NOT BE TAKING MIL BACK INTO YOUR HOME. Be consistent. Be firm. Repeat it as many times as the opportunity arises.
This has nothing to do with whether he did his share, whether he visited often or seldom, what his motivations are ... it is a simple fact based on your health. He cannot change your mind. Guilting you is useless, because you know you have nothing to feel guilty for.

I assume he is your husband's brother? Where is your husband in all this? Can he deal effectively with BIL? I hope he is standing up for you!
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