My mom is trying to blame me for everything.

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We have been taking care of my dad since July. My mom has put him in a room that was once a garage. There are no bathroom facilities. We have to carry his pot thru the kitchen where there is cooking and eating going on to get to the bathroom. Last night, she accused me of letting her leg get cellulites again. She had an MD appointment this month and apparently canceled it. She was supposed to be wearing elastic hose and she threw them in the trash can. When she was asked about it she lied and said she did not throw them in the trash can. I had shown them to my husband when she threw them in there. She then proceeded to call me a bad nurse. I used to be a nurse. I let my license lapse because I destroyed my back and have a lot of pain from it. I am unable to work yet she wants me on call for them 24/7. If I go to a store to get groceries or my meds, I am running up and down the road. She screams and cries all the time. My mom never once told me she loved me or hugged me. I have now come to the decision that she is not my mother. I was in the hospital for 10 days and nearly died. She refused to come visit me. I was home 3 months and she never stuck her head in the door. I am very resentful. My brother said she would talk to her own flesh and blood in a manner that would peel the paint off the wall and then worship someone who wouldn't spit on her if she were on fall. Today my dad threatened to shoot me if SS came and checked on them. She is telling Home Health all this bunch of garbage. I wouldn't be surprised if they did show up. I am considering getting legal advice. I am afraid of both of them. She came home with a diagnosis of encephalopathy. I can't imagine threatening to shoot someone and then expecting me to go in their house. Can anyone please advise me what to do?

10 Comments

I'm not sure I understand what your question is. Your parents don't live with you, is that right? Does your brother help with their care at all?

Since neither parent seems to be appreciative of what you do, I'd just let them take care of themselves. Do you have their POAs? Is dementia involved with either of them? If they're able to take care of themselves (even though they're choosing not to do a good job of that) and they don't have dementia, then why be the whipping boy for them? Back away and let them pay for help. Or get help from Medicaid if they can't afford help. It sounds like your brother is supportive of you and understands the situation. I don't think you have to make yourself a physical or mental wreck caring for two unappreciative, unloving people. Good luck with whatever you decide, it's just so sad you've been treated so badly by the very people who should love you and appreciate your help.
Sorry for your situation how awful. I dont know if you are living with them or nearby? Does your dad have als? You need to talk to a professional and any siblings that will listen. if you are living with them I suggest you move out and just visit everyday to make sure they have what they need?
This is a very unhealthy place to be and I know its tough when its their home. You need to look after yourself and your mental health get legal advice but my advice move out and help them with what you can, but noone has to be abused this way its no way to live. Let us know how you get on if i thought my mum was safe here on her own id be gone in a flash even next door. Hugs, this is so souldestroying for you. Try and put yourself first!
I do not live with them. I live directly across from them. It takes about 2 minutes for me to get there. My dad was in a rehab. He begged me to take him out. they get very good money way too much for Medicaid. Around $7000 a month. Plus they have a huge bank account. When he begged me to get him out. He told me he would pay me. I had gone to the VA with him some time back. With his war injuries I was able to help him get a new car and more money on his VA check to pay someone to help him. I told him he could give me what the VA paid him extra to take care of him.Mom knew nothing of this. She raised a daughter for my brother and she is bankrolling them The daughter is now 32 years old, has a BA and is married to a dead beat. She is working at a job that you could get if you have a high school diploma you could get. She doesn't want to better herself. She doesn't have to. My mom has thrown everything I have ever thought about doing up to me. Just me. She made the statement she had never told a lie in her life. Which she told a lie then. I told her I didn't know a person on earth who had never lied. My dad is paralyzed he must be lifted in and out of the bed. I would not agree to taking care of him at home but my husband said he would help. I knew it was a bad idea. She is so narcissistic It is unbelieveable. She thinks she is a saint. She ran around on my father for years and years. I told her while she was throwing things up that I did had she forgotten what she had done???? She is telling one lie after another. She said she is calling elder abuse for me telling her off. I am not taking one word from her, Period. She has always put me down and never wanted me to succeed at anything. She never helped me with school or anything I put myself thru nursing school twice. Once for an LPN and once for RN. MY dad will not say anything because he knows how she is. My husband has a terminally ill sister that could take a turn for the worse at any time. I don't know how she expects me to come over and haul dad out of the bed. And all the other stuff. She said she was going to report me for Elder abuse. They have been on this kick for the last week. I am so sick of it. I told her I wish she would call someone. They would take dad out so fast her head would swim. She is all the time saying her mind is good but she can not call and make a MD appointment or say she wants to go the Dr. and she will get mad if you ask her to go. They need to go to a nursing facility. It will cost them $ 10,000 a month to stay there. When dad was in the rehab he was so mean to them they didn't want to care for him. I told her to prove elder abuse there had to be some visible signs. She squalled out that verbal abuse. I was not cussing her or anything like that. I was just answering the mean things she was throwing up to me. She will say things like I am 83 and just bawl about it. I don't know what to do anymore.
Well if you're not hanging in there for some kind of inheritance, I'd just wash my hands of them. When your mom threatens to call Social Services, pick up the phone and make the call. Call her bluff. Then walk out the door and don't look back. You don't deserve to be treated this way.

You're not a hospital. You aren't equipped to be hauling someone in and out of bed, particularly if he's verbally abusive. Let the brother's sister take care of them. Or your brother. You've done more than your fair share. Your mom and dad will never be the loving, caring appreciative people you wish they were. They have used and abused you and you've hoped that somewhere along the line, they'll change. They won't. But YOU can. Walk away.
Mom does not want to take care of him. She put him in the far end of the house and then she closes her door. How could anyone ever hear him She told me the Home Health nurse came and put a una boot on her and then talked to the MD. Am I losing it or does home health supposed to call a md for orders before they touch a patient? Those boots can tighten up and cause severe pain. I have never known anyone to leave them on for any length of time. She told me the home health nurse said she didn't need md orders....go figure. Now you see what I am dealing with.
It sounds like he needs to be in a facility, probably a nursing home. Even if your mom was a caring person, at her age, he's too much for her (or you for that matter) to handle at home. You're trying to be logical with mental illness. That will make YOU lose it after a while. It's a losing proposition.
MaggieSuzanne, it sounds like your mother is a real bully. They are such difficult people to deal with. They are always right and never at fault. And if they want something, they won't let up until they verbally abuse someone into doing it. Your mother sounds so much like my own. She never called or visited. If I didn't make the call or visit, it didn't happen. She used to blame all the family problems on my father. Now that he is gone, she blames them on me. There is no point in arguing, because she is always right and never to blame. If your mother is like mine, she is also spoiled and wants what she wants when she wants it. She doesn't understand the words No or Later.

The only way I have learned to deal with the bullying is through saying No and meaning it. I've also learned the value of walking away, leaving her alone with her anger at me. She has a hard time realizing that I have the right to say no to her, but if I don't she would consume my life totally with her unending requests.

I don't think there is any way to retrain a older bully. We just have to protect ourselves from them the best we can. I wouldn't push the elder abuse issue, since she might hurt your father and blame you with it. You don't want to give her that chance if she would be that mean. I would just see her as the bully she seems to be and document things she is doing. Keep yourself protected. And definitely stand up for your right to say No or Later. It will drive her crazy, but better her than you.
Never argue with drunks or people who are brain damaged. It's like trying to wrestle a pig -- you'll just get filthy but the pig will enjoy it.
I would try and get them both into assisted living even call in the social workers to help it sounds like they could afford carers coming in but would they agree to that? it dosnt sound like your mother is very caring of your father no matter what happened between them could she be capable of abuse towards him? the point is it dosnt sound like you or your mum can cope and your dad would be better taken care of in a NH? I would talk to someone legal as you need to take control of your dads care then step back from your mother and help out when you can. I know how hard it is to be so caring and abused by a parent theres days I feel like shaking my mum into admitting just how much I do for her while the others flit in and out and dont CARE! All i can say to you is do what you think is right by your dad and even your mum and know that you are a good caring person and are trying to do whats right even if everyone is against you! Also do you think your mum may have dementia?? just a thought as my mum stopped going to the doctor first then got really angry when I forced her to go I know now that she was hiding the fact that something was wrong? I went to terrible abuse the last 2 years which wasnt my mum but now looking back I can see she was taking her fear and anger out on me. Since weve had a diagnosis shes alot calmer? for now anyway!
Good luck and let us know how you get on it really is a horrible situation but you have to look after you in the long run.
My brother,who is an attorney, said for me to ask them what alternative arrangements they want to make. And get out of that mess. he knows how she is of all people. She was always given her way when we were growing up, I was at the bottom of the list. She never punished the boys for getting into my things or destroying them. Her relatives all know this because they know how she let the older boy bully me. He would whip me and she would say nothing. I mean he would slap the fire out of me and I was small at the time. No help from her. I resent what she has done so much. Then to have her try to make me out of the most evil person in the world. My middle brother doesn't even stop by her house to see if they are breathing. He never calls either. he takes all kinds of trips and no one even knows where he is. My youngest which is the closest to me lives in NYC. So it is just me and my husband. if his sister was to pass away and he would have to been gone for a while I would not be able to get my dad in and out of the bed. They will not ask my middle brother to even stay or be on call for them for a few hours. I got to thinking last night, I am going to have to carry my phone that has a voice recorder and just record some of the things she says. It is unreal the things that she comes up with esp the part about her never told a lie in her life statement. She told the biggest one she ever told when she said that. I told her I was going to get home health to get a mental health evaluation on her. She really exploded. She said she was going to sue the MD that gave her that diagnosis. We all knew it. I wouldn't have said anything about it but she kept ranting and raving on me. She didn't know what to say. Her family has a big history of mental problems and some are just plain mean.

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