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I just really am at the end of caregiving its not right that I scream all the time living with this much anger and screaming everyday. I also feel I'm like this cuz I'm mad at self. No I cannot take care of mom, what choices do I have but try to find live in or nursing home which way do I go? please answer thank you

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Sandy, in most places nursing homes have made huge strides and are no longer the old stereotype that is likely in your mind. If I were you, I'd visit some local nursing homes. I will say that some areas of the country have come father than others in elder care. Regardless of that fact, you really need to get help with your situation.

I agree with Blannie that you need interim help, too. Type you state name and the word "aging" into your browser. That should bring up your state site and some links where you'll find information you need. If you get to the wrong source, just ask for help finding support for caregivers.

In the end, a nursing home seems like a necessity. I hope you find a good one where you can visit often and keep an eye on things but also get your life and health back.

Take care of yourself by taking action,
Carol
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Sandy, my heart goes out to you. Having a totally bedridden mom would be a challenge for anyone. Can you get her into respite care for a while (a week to a month), so you can breathe and relax and start to figure out what is best for both of you? I'm sure you'll get lots of good answers here, but I'd start by calling your local Area Agency for Aging. Find out what resources are available to you and your mom. Hugs to you for being such a loving, caring daughter.
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The nursing home that my Mother (94) is in has saved her life. I never would have believed it. There are friends there, hair dressers, nutritionists, CNAs and RNs. Mother was on her last legs, living at home. She was taken out by ambulance and then, to the hospital first, but she has been at the NH 6 months. (Central IL.)
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It's not so much the NH that is horrible, but the state one is in to make it necessary to enter a NH is horrible.
It's all about the people, some workers are NH are exceptional. If you need one, it is the right thing, good luck in finding a good one,,,,,stay involved, drop by, be friendly to the workers and give yourself a break
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It depends where you live. I know in the northeast, most of them do the best for their patients. Nonprofit are usually better than for profit. The for profit usually accepts more medicaid patients than the nonprofit. Medicaid does not pay what a private payer pays, thus the need to shift costs to a make a profit. Senior care is becoming big business at the cost of quality care. If you think it is bad now, wait until the babyboomers reach their very senior years. I am one of them. I dread what will be of my generation!
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The best thing to do about nursing homes is to try and find people who have a relative living there, and don't make a quick decision. In my town, the one with the best ratings from families is one that is not very flashy, but the residents gets attention and the staff tries to keep them busy. Pay attention to the smell and how many staff members are nearby. Find out how many complaints the nursing home had in the past, and look up your local ombudsman as they are very helpful. I have a relative who went to assisted living first - now they need more care, but they are stuck there because other family members will not deal with the situation.
I really think that one with headquarters locally, or in the same state, would be preferable, but so many now are run by large out of state corporations.
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Sandy22,
My heart cries out for you. It seems most of us on this forum have and feel the same pain, frustration, guilt, etc.., and yet I find it curious that the forum directors only show the responses they feel are the "most helpful". My personal (family) experiences with Nursing Home/Rehab/Care facilities has been nothing like the favorable things I read here. My wife worked as CNA in several from low income to fancy rich facilities that had expensive art and cushy furniture, and the one constant and ever present factor was jaded, sometimes shameless lack of care. When we would show up unannounced it would seem they would spring in to action, but sneak in, or hang around long enough to be unnoticed and things change. Just a couple weeks ago, my paw-paw called from his Nursing Home crying for help, and my wife packed and left for the 4.5 hour drive to see him, and found him dehydrated, 3rd degree burns in his groin area from coffee that he should not have had to begin with, and at a temperature that violated all Texas protocol for serving anywhere, he was completely rashed from mid-thigh to belt from laying in his urine and feces, and when he was rushed to hospital his blood showed a level of narcotics sufficient to stop a charging bull. My point is, if at all possible, try to find a way to do this where you can be an integral part of the process. At home would be best for your loved one, but maybe not for you if you need some separation from the stress. We went with the home because we ourselves have disabling conditions and can not lift or hold him up, but now we are trying to find a way to bring him back home due to the many moves to "5" different nursing homes in 3 different cities that all resulted in pitiful care and diminishing health.
Right now you need to take a break, and I mean fast. There MUST be someone who can give you an hour, a day, or two? I do understand, because we had nobody willing, although many family members. But if your health and mental stability suffers, then there will be nobody to handle it anyway, right?
I will make sure our entire Church Family has you and yours in our prayers daily. Every time I read your story, I cried and wish I could do more.
Stay strong, and make your "self" first, and most of all keep the Faith!
Blessings & Tender Mercies from our Lord. ----Big Hugs---
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The one mom is in is pretty good. Only once did I see an aide say something out of line and now I notice she is gone from the facility. The problem I see is that they charge an arm and 2 legs. The food isn't all that good either, too starchy. But it is one of the best in the Northwest.
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As many have said, there are degrees in the quality of nursing homes. You should make appointments to visit those in the area. Money can be a factor. I visited three when we wanted to move my grandmother from a semi-assisted living facility to a nursing home. The one we chose had a country-club type of feel to it...in the common areas. It was clean and didn't smell. They had people two to a room with a half wall providing some separation. Another facility had more than two to a room with the beds pushed up against the wall. It appeared to be well-maintained but the atmosphere and feeling between the two was noticeable. The frame of mind of the person being moved also plays a role in how well the move will go. In my case, my grandmother (95) did not want to relocate, even though it was to the nicer facility that one of her friends lived at; so it was mentally and physically downhill from there. My grandmother died about 6 months later. For some, there is a stigma attached to being in a nursing home. It is not an easy situation to deal with for many people, the family putting the loved one in the home and the person going into the home. I like to think that I will react differently if I reach the point in my life that I would need that type of care but I think the brain changes when a certain age is reached (differs depending on the person) and what would have made sense and been acceptable when one is in their "right" mind, doesn't make sense and isn't acceptable when one is in their "older" mindset.

Prayers, hugs and good luck to you and your mom.
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I work for 2 different NH's and I can tell you that it really depends on what you are looking for. Best advise is to do your homework. You can go online and find out about complaints filed with the state etc. All facilities have a star rating by CMS, the lower the stars the lower the quality of the facility. Look for something 3 stars and above. Visit the facility meet the people, ask around.Ask to meet the social worker and the activity directors as they will become your eyes and ears when you cannot be there. Admissions is worried about filling the beds but the ssw and act dir will have the most impact. Been there done that so I wish you the best luck in finding a place for mom. Here in California you can receive repite care every 30 days paid by medical.
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