Impossible mother with COPD.

Started by

So my mother has COPD, and heart disease. She also has something going on with her stomach and missing blood. She needs fairly regular transfusions.
My Stepfather, who married my mother when I was 13, was a child molester. He abused both of his daughters, and tried to abuse my older and younger sisters and myself. My mother did nothing.
He died a year and a half ago from lung cancer. My daughter and I took care of him through the hospice for the last week of his life. Meanwhile, my mother was totally cold to him, sat and looked at photos of my dad, who died in 09 from lung cancer too, and told me how they could have worked it out. She had us turning up the air, one degree or down, every few minutes. She refuses to eat anything but junk food. She is hateful and mean to my grand kids who sat there watching my step dad, who they barely know, die. She had control of every TV in the house, and refused to let those poor kids do anything. She wanted them to go outside in 100 degree weather. When he was first diagnosed with cancer, about 2 months before he died, he had started chemo and radiation. He did okay and they sent him home, expecting him to drive himself to and from the hospital. after 5 days he was far to sick to do anything. My little sister went to the house to check on them, while my husband and I were in Arizona, and she said he was pretty sick and in bed. I didn't think much about it.. but when I got home, I drove out there. My step dad was a living skeleton. Hadn't eaten in days. They put Gator aid by his bed, UNOPENED. He was too weak to even sit, let alone open a bottle! My daughter came, and my mom & little sister were angry that I involved her... which was rediculas, because they would have both let him lie there and die! My mom lives about an hour and a half away from my daughter and I.


Sorry, it posted by accident! I'm far from finished!
So after we took him back to the hospital, my mom had a heart attack. She was home alone at night, and tried to call my cell, which I never had on! The next morning I got the message and freaked out. She wouldn't answer the phone, so I called the police. It was a nightmare! They have 4 dogs too!
So I drove out there and the sheriff was there, he had called the ambulance. They took her to a hospital in Palm Springs, and My Step dad was in Rancho mirage. So NOW I had to drive, from Yucca valley, to Palm Springs to Rancho Mirage. My mother refused to move and she didn't want him in the same hospital as her. Would have made things WAY to easy for me. I stayed with their dogs and tried to clean their FILTHY house. My mother does NOTHING for herself. She sits there. She is on Oxygen 24/7. They were both hoarders. Inside and out of that house is a horrible stinky mess. They, for years, would never let anyone visit. We had no idea that things were so bad.
My brother came for a week, he got there the day my mom was released from the hospital. I tried like hell to get them to keep her longer, for rehabilitation, but she refused, and they couldn't make her stay. She was worried about giving everyone else gas money, but never offered to reimburse me. So she went home, and then told everyone how I tried to stick her in an old folks home. My sister from Washington came too, and her and my brother stayed with my mom. I had already been away from home for a week, and I missed my husband, and my own pets. I too have health issues, neck fusion, shoulders, carpal tunnel in both hands. It's not easy for me to take on someone else's household. So Both my brother and sister left after a week, and it was back on my daughter and myself, although my little sister said she would take car of it all, because she was newly single and between jobs... she left it to me anyway. My step dad got so bad, we had to bring him home to die. My daughter and I did the hospice for exactly one week, and my mother made life LIVING HELL. We tried our best to keep it cool, but she was constantly in the way, talking crap to us, and the kids. It was a horrible experience. My husband would drive out there most evenings after he got off work to check on us and near the end I was getting more and more hysterical when he would leave. I just wanted to go too. My husband had to MAKE her arrange for him to be picked up and arrange for the cremation and all the final arrangements, because she refused to do it for me. Well, it was a Friday afternoon my husband came early, my daughter left to go drop off her kids, and my Step dad died. We stayed there for 4 hours waiting for them to pick up his body. She refused to cover his face. It was disturbing. My husband & I went to a hotel that night, and went back the next day to break down the hospice bed and get his equipment ready. She accused me of taking the plastic gloves, the pads, and some stupid TV set. So I left there, and only went back a few weeks ago to help vacuum dog hair and clean when she was in the hospital. My daughter and sister have been dealing with her. My daughter is about to quit as I type this, because she is so mean to her. Shes telling people now that my daughter is borrowing money and not paying it back. My daughter has to take Tuesdays off from work, drive for an hour, do her shopping, and she expects her to go to 3 different stores, take her to the Dr. do her laundry, clean her house, and give her 10 bucks for gas. Not only THAT but my daughter has to pay a sitter. Its about 75 bucks a week MY DAUGHTER dishes out to be abused by this woman. My sister doesn't say much, but she enables my mother by catering to her whims, and bullying up on my daughter. So there. There is So MUCH more, but I think I have vented enough. Thanks for reading all that :o(
Do you have a question?
I think Number3 is just venting about the whirlwind her mother has created. It sounds like she creates turmoil for anyone getting in range of her. I am surprised that she is not totally alone by now.
Ah, well this is a good place to vent!
Yeah, mostly venting... It's been a rough road, even though I'm only standing on the side of it right now. Watching my daughter take the brunt of it is hard. My sister is handling it okay I think, but she seems to encourage her hatefulness.
My daughter was in a car accident last July. They were T boned right at my daughters car door. Her and my granddaughter were injured. Not major, but they have been seeing the doctor / chiropractor since.
My daughters car was totaled and they STILL haven't given her money to replace it.
My sister wanted help, to break up her visits with my mom... and my mom had a car, just sitting there. My older sister in Washington suggested my daughter take my moms car and I thought it was a bad idea. My mom HATES to be separated from her stuff. Anything... even trash. So They talked her into it. But She wanted a ridiculous amount of money for the car. My daughter said she would pay her when she got her settlement. So now, whenever she has to go to the doctor. Mom wants sister to go get HER car ( because no other car is good enough ) No matter how out of the way it is. Sister had a hysterectomy on the 18th. Mom had a Dr. appointment on the 15th, which my daughter took her. The doc told her she was in need of a transfusion. She refused. After they left the office, she told daughter how sick she felt, and daughter offered to take her, she was off work until Friday so it was not a big deal. But NO. She refused. Friday comes, and she is demanding to go to the doctor, knowing that sister is having surgery, and daughter has work. Friday night daughter drives out to her house with her kids so she can take her on Saturday. She has to work Saturday afternoon. Mom has her multitasking, trying to distract her from taking her to the doc, making up excuses why she can't go right now. She finally gets her to the ER, and they have to wait to be admitted. There is something with her blood, that shes had to be admitted the last 4 times. So daughter has to leave, because it's getting time for her to go to work. So she leaves her there. She gets to work, the kids are still at moms. The hospital calls around 6 and says to come pick her up. She can't. She calls my son, who had to get his girlfriend to drive him out there. They get there and mom wants them to drive BACK to San Bernardino and get HER car, because she doesn't want to ride in anything else. They were in Rancho Mirage. Of course they didn't. Daughter had to arrange to borrow oxygen tanks because moms were in her car. Mom was mad about that also. My son & his girlfriend drop her off at her house, and then she starts in about the grandkids. How they were watching HER tv. how my grand daughter organized her craft stuff, and on and on. So after work, my daughter drove back out there to get her kids. My birthday was the following day, and my mom said to her, So I suppose you missed your moms big birthday bash because of me?
So now we know, it wasn't just about my sisters surgery.
My daughter is ready to quit now, Just drop off the car, And mom will be alone. I have tried my best to psyche myself up to go out there, but I become MORE of an emotional wreck than I already am. So for my own health, I can't.
I don't really have a question. But I suppose mom needs to get into a nursing home, sometime soon.
This thread is 2.5 years old.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

Please enter your Comment

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support