I have to be done.


My mom's dementia progressed, my dad was killing himself for her and not doing a very good job of caregiving. She still won't take her medicine only if it is put in her food. She doesn't listen to anyone but me because I am the only one that follows through. Her hygiene is poor at very best. I live with them and we have discussed with my younger brother that it is past time to bring in help. Dad agreed. Nothing changed. He and I fought about her care and he kicked me out. He apologized saying that he was exhausted and didn't mean to say awful things to me and please come home. In the week I was gone he decided that he is putting my mom in a home this weekend and the babysitter will trick her by saying she will take her to lunch when in fact she will dump her of at the home. I said that she is my mother and I will take her because my dad is spineless and won't. I overhear the babysitter talking with my dad and my name coming up over and over. When I confronted her she expressed her viewpoint saying it wasn't a good idea for me to be the one to take my mom to the home. I told her thank you for her opinion but this was my mom and if she would, please mind her own business as she was not family. My dad blew up he started chasing after me and screaming at me and asking me if I thought that I was really family saying that I am not part of the family.

That was pretty much it for me. I've since moved out, I'm hurt beyond belief, gave up my life to come and help my dad. I never understood what they meant when they said no good deed goes unpunished, but I sure do now. My parents are both alive but they're not my parents. I'm done. My mom's disease has ruined our family. My brother and his daughter came for Father's Day on Saturday and they all went to lunch and didn't even include me. Tomorrow is my birthday and I really don't feel much like celebrating. Just trying to get used to my family being dead. Gave my dad a couple of opportunities to apologize but he did not take me up on those. Cannot believe this is how my life is going to be. The truth of the matter is they're not going to get her to go there and if she goes to the home she's not going to stay my mom is not that bad period And I can't believe after 55 years that my dad is ditching her. I told him that he might as well check himself in as well because he's worse than she is. I have to be done because in the past nine months I have lost everything. What my mom didn't destroy she threw away and what's left my dad's taken to put in my mom's new home. Material things can be replaced, but my emotional well-being cannot. I am a 18-year survivor of stage 3 breast cancer and I can honestly say that I wish to God I never would have survived. Thanks all of you for your support and for your stories and your suggestions. I wish you all the best, as you are all way better at this than I could ever be.

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Country Mouse...I am done. There sre no next steps for me with these people who resemble my mom and dad. For my own mental well being I AM DONE.

Sorry - what a lot of questions! But there are many things to weigh up before you can decide how to move forward.

Elizabeth, when you say "babysitter" - who is this person? An aide? Home help? How long has she been on the scene?

I can agree with you that your father appears to be doing a woeful job of managing your mother's care - based just on what you've said in this post, there's a whole catalogue of How Not To Do It.

But the question is, what do you want to happen next?

I assume your mother hasn't yet been transferred to the nursing home or facility? Are you placing bets on whether or not that will actually happen? And what then is your father planning to do about his own needs, for companionship, support and assistance at home?

Are you in touch with your brother? How do you and he get on?

It sounds as though your mom has needed more care than your dad can give her for a very long time now and that he has finally realized it. As painful as it is to admit our loved ones to a facility I think you should take some time to see how she does there, having better care and the opportunity to socialize and take part in activities may actually be a good thing for her. I also have to point out that this is your parent's home, so when dad says he has reached his limits I can't see that you have any viable alternative to offer.
I really do hope that once the dust settles that you and your family can mend fences.

So sorry for what you have gone thru. I know you r hurting but put yourself in ur parents shoes. Mom had no say about her Dementia and Dad doesn't know how to deal with it or doesn't want to deal with it so he lashes out. And the babysitter is no help. You were right in telling her that the family dynamics were none of her business. If she is from an agency, I would report her. If she is still there, I would watch Dads money.

I think that now Mom is being cared for, maybe some fences could be mended eventually. But, I would not move back. We all need a safe placevto land. Somewhere where you can recharge. Ifvu do mend fences, have boarders. My brother and I feel what we owe our parents is to keep them safe, warm and fed. Also, to help them navigate the services out there. We don't owe them our lives and futures.

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