They refuse to leave their home and depend on us to care for them. We need a third party to have a discussion with them because I have tried and they just get mad and yell.
keepthefaith, so many of us on these forums have gone through the same thing with our parents. As for a 3rd party to talk to them, it would need to be someone whom they would take such advice. Such as someone from the church/temple.... an Elder Law Attorney... a close friend. Parents usually don't listen to us, as we are just the "kids" and what do we know... [sigh].
By the way, if your parents are still of clear mind [no dementia], then they can do whatever they want to do. They can stay in that house forever.
Gather the sibling(s) and everyone write down what they do for Mom and Dad, and I mean everything. Now take that list and cross off half the items.... now cross off a couple more. Stick to the items remaining on the list, don't budge. If your parent ask for something not on the list, say "sorry, I cannot possibly do that". Yep, you will feel guilty. But it's a project to get one's parent to see the reality of their life. Especially if they can afford to move to Independent Living, which is around $5k per month, depending on where you live. Or your parents hire professional caregivers to come to the house to help. My own Mom refused them.
What is currently happening is that you and your sibling(s) are enabling your parents to remain in their house. Why should they move??? They have their children helping out with everything. And they don't see us being tired and overwhelmed. They see us as being in our 20's with a ton of energy.... not someone who is also aging with our own health issues.
My parents were in their 90's and still living in their house. One has to wait for a medical emergency to happen where the parent goes to the hospital via 911, then into rehab, and then into senior living. But, like I said, if your parents are of clear mind, they can go home, and one spouse will claim the other spouse can take care of them. Yep, that also happened to my parents. It wasn't until another medical emergency happened that changed everything.
keepthefaith, now if your parents refuse to have strangers in the house, I had a light bulb moment with my parents on how to get tradesmen into the house to do work.
I remember my Dad needed a new florescent ceiling light. Nope, no more climbing ladders for me, told Dad he needs to call an electrician. Oh no, no strangers in the house. No, nada, never.
Well, I remember a few years back my parents liked the painter I had recommended, perfect match. So I called the painter and asked if he could recommend an electrician. Bravo, I have a name.
So I called my parents and said "Mike recommended Joe at ABC, he is excellent". Next thing I knew when I drove past my parent's house, there was the truck in the driveway :) Got another perfect match.
How old are your parents? How much care do they need? Housekeeping? Meals? Transportation to appointments? Medication management? Do they have any signs of dementia?
If they were to sell their house and move into some level of care community, how long could they afford to pay their own way? Do they have lots of assets besides the house? Do they have a decent income (pensions, etc.)?
Somehow what they want, what they can afford, and what they really need, have to be balanced out.
Could they stay in their home longer (maybe not forever) if the care you and your sibs are providing were obtained through agencies or other sources and paid for by your parents?
It is true that your parents can choose to live in their house as long as they want. And you and your siblings will need to set boundaries of what you can and cannot do for them. My 90 year old mother is living somewhat independently in her apartment with my help, and a friend who she pays for extra days she "wants more contact." I have spoken to her doctor privately, since I am her POA and she is getting to the point where she will need to allow extra help if she is to stay there. Of course, it will not be easy, as I have been down this road with her sisters and now her. But you have to be firm, and will feel guilty that you can't do everything your parents want. But you have to be realistic, too, about what they can expect from you. The transition is different for each family, but you and your siblings need to work together to help your parents stay safe and healthy. There is advice about how to broach this delicate subject with your parents, because when it comes down to it, you and your siblings should be a part of the decision making process since they depend on you. For example, until recently my mother would not allow me to go in to her doctor and dentist appointments. Then she would confuse and/or complain about them. I said, "Mom, I can't be a part of this conversation if I'm not a part of your appointments and care." She didn't like that, but after a few days to think about it, she relented. Now I'm allowed in, and she is much less fearful and the results are much more productive. It has to be simply stated in a way they feel included, given time to think about it, and realize and accept your role in their care and safety. I wish you the best!
I am 67 yrs old and the oldest of 4 children, one deceased. It has always been me. I amvthe one whocwas able to stay in the same town as my parents. I dealt with every hospital stay and was there for my Dad, whom Mom spoiled, when Mom spent 8 months in another state to care for my sister who had Cancer. When Mom could no longer drive I was her chaufer. I went from babysitting an infant for 18 months right into 24/7 care for Mom. The only time I got out was when my husband was home and then justvto shop. There were things he couldn't do for Mom. I am 67 years old and 5' tall. Doing for Mom was exausting. Daycare was a help. But that was only 3x a week from 8 to 2:30. Siblings, both and wives worked and one lived 7 hrs away. I hate the phrase "they did for you". They chose to have children. And I feel I have given back and more. For one thing, they had a free babysitter. With seniors living into their 90s the children are seniors too. We have worked as hard as our parents, raised our kids and sometimes our grandchildren. Retirement is our time. Our parents have to realize their limitations. That their children cannot be expectedto do it all.
LynninIowa, the two situations are entirely different. When my parents had us, they were young and healthy. They were only responsible for care of our little family, as their parents were taking care of themselves.
But now, we are seniors too and caring for our parents is not our only responsibility. Unlike our mothers, we have fulltime jobs. Our spouses have elderly parents needing care, too. And we and our spouses have our own health problems that limit our abilities and command our daily attention. And....sometimes our kids and grandkids need us. You ask why the poster doesn't want the added burden? Perhaps because s/he already has a full plate with her own family and cannot added 24/7 hands on care of two elderly parents.
Sorry but not everyone had nice upbringings. I was neglected and suffered domestic violence from my mother. My father turned a blind eye. I do what I can. They have used there money to do what they want and have always been self absorbed. They ignored their ageing parents. I do loads for them but will stop when enough is enough. They are 96 for goodness sake. Should be being cared for professionally
Someone on the forum said she had asked her parents if they wanted someone who wasn't trained asca caregiver and other things they expected out of her. They said no and she said then u don't want me. Our parents weren't everything to us, we can't be everything to them. We all have limitations. I feel our responsibility is to make sure our parents fed, safe, clean, etc. If we need help to accomplish this, get it.
By the way, if your parents are still of clear mind [no dementia], then they can do whatever they want to do. They can stay in that house forever.
Gather the sibling(s) and everyone write down what they do for Mom and Dad, and I mean everything. Now take that list and cross off half the items.... now cross off a couple more. Stick to the items remaining on the list, don't budge. If your parent ask for something not on the list, say "sorry, I cannot possibly do that". Yep, you will feel guilty. But it's a project to get one's parent to see the reality of their life. Especially if they can afford to move to Independent Living, which is around $5k per month, depending on where you live. Or your parents hire professional caregivers to come to the house to help. My own Mom refused them.
What is currently happening is that you and your sibling(s) are enabling your parents to remain in their house. Why should they move??? They have their children helping out with everything. And they don't see us being tired and overwhelmed. They see us as being in our 20's with a ton of energy.... not someone who is also aging with our own health issues.
My parents were in their 90's and still living in their house. One has to wait for a medical emergency to happen where the parent goes to the hospital via 911, then into rehab, and then into senior living. But, like I said, if your parents are of clear mind, they can go home, and one spouse will claim the other spouse can take care of them. Yep, that also happened to my parents. It wasn't until another medical emergency happened that changed everything.
You are not obligated to do what it takes for your parents to stay "independent". You do what you have time to do. The rest?
" I can't possibly do that,dad. You'll have to hire someone".
I remember my Dad needed a new florescent ceiling light. Nope, no more climbing ladders for me, told Dad he needs to call an electrician. Oh no, no strangers in the house. No, nada, never.
Well, I remember a few years back my parents liked the painter I had recommended, perfect match. So I called the painter and asked if he could recommend an electrician. Bravo, I have a name.
So I called my parents and said "Mike recommended Joe at ABC, he is excellent". Next thing I knew when I drove past my parent's house, there was the truck in the driveway :) Got another perfect match.
If they were to sell their house and move into some level of care community, how long could they afford to pay their own way? Do they have lots of assets besides the house? Do they have a decent income (pensions, etc.)?
Somehow what they want, what they can afford, and what they really need, have to be balanced out.
Could they stay in their home longer (maybe not forever) if the care you and your sibs are providing were obtained through agencies or other sources and paid for by your parents?
I am 67 yrs old and the oldest of 4 children, one deceased. It has always been me. I amvthe one whocwas able to stay in the same town as my parents. I dealt with every hospital stay and was there for my Dad, whom Mom spoiled, when Mom spent 8 months in another state to care for my sister who had Cancer. When Mom could no longer drive I was her chaufer. I went from babysitting an infant for 18 months right into 24/7 care for Mom. The only time I got out was when my husband was home and then justvto shop. There were things he couldn't do for Mom. I am 67 years old and 5' tall. Doing for Mom was exausting. Daycare was a help. But that was only 3x a week from 8 to 2:30. Siblings, both and wives worked and one lived 7 hrs away. I hate the phrase "they did for you". They chose to have children. And I feel I have given back and more. For one thing, they had a free babysitter. With seniors living into their 90s the children are seniors too. We have worked as hard as our parents, raised our kids and sometimes our grandchildren. Retirement is our time. Our parents have to realize their limitations. That their children cannot be expectedto do it all.
But now, we are seniors too and caring for our parents is not our only responsibility. Unlike our mothers, we have fulltime jobs. Our spouses have elderly parents needing care, too. And we and our spouses have our own health problems that limit our abilities and command our daily attention. And....sometimes our kids and grandkids need us. You ask why the poster doesn't want the added burden? Perhaps because s/he already has a full plate with her own family and cannot added 24/7 hands on care of two elderly parents.
See All Answers