Full responsibility.

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This has been the strangest weekend. Memories of such enormous and fun 4th of July weekends on the lake gave way to the reality of my life, as it now is. I fully and completely accept responsibility for my life and where I am right now, I just didn't count on how no one else would be here ... period. I tend to be a private person, so I don't need all the stuff going on around me to be happy and have usually been able to find something to do to make myself happy.

The thing that i have come to realize is that the caregiving part, the caring for my Mama is not what is sending me over the edge. It is not easy..And I am so tired and worn out most of the time from the endless bathing, changing, laundry, cleaning, changing, bathing, etc. etc. but I am dealing with that...I am just so completely flat by the total absence of emotional support from any of the people whom I thought would show at least a teensy bit of compassion. I am becoming so cold and so dead towards people. I fear that i am going to be really horrid on down the road if I am even here by then. I used to hear folks talking about caregivers passing before the folks they care for....I never figured that would apply to me. I'm not so sure anymore

11 Comments

people blow . i dont put much stock in them anymore so one would have to light a fart and hover at 300 ft for 15 minutes to impress me ..
my sis and niece are sitting in my moms home and property mortgage free and wont even let me harvest a few dead trees that mom wanted me to have for firewood . needless to say ill be tickled when one of em smashes their house to toothpicks ..
in hindsight im not more spiteful than before -- i always was a d*ck ..
tornados possible here at 4 pm . i hope a chevy cobalt gets blown into my yard . ill have all the stuff to put disc brakes on the back of ike ..
lol ... captain...maybe I am too...I guess it's just finally coming out better now....in some ways it is frightening how cold I am feeling towards people..in some ways ..it is totally freeing .....
captain..good luck with that chevy cobalt....hope that is what falls in your yard and not the person hovering... ((smiles))
i tend to say what im feeling ( within reason ) any more . cuz told me a week ago that she was trying her best to get ednas paperwork into the NH facility . i told her , not hatefully but pretty firmly that if she couldnt get a couple of simple bank statements in there she wasnt trying very hard .
she had no skin in the game -- i was staying with edna and losing wages .
i left edna with 7 family members and went home . its disturbing as edna and i have had a great time for nearly a year but its not as disturbing as being taken advantage of ..
having a hard time reconnecting with edna cause cuz thinks its cute to refuse communication . poor communication has been the issue from the beginning ..
cuz wont be an issue for long . aps confided in me that theyll sue to place a court appointed conservator ..

my friend " flatline " is about to lose the rear differential out of a dodge neon sitting in her yard .
that will be a fun little surprise for them...ha...... I am just roaming around the joint here continuing my quest to clear out the clutter, trying to make room for the rest of my clutter, and just aggravated in general at all the christian holier than thou's who my parents literally supported all their young lives and who all openly acknowledge they would not have now what they have had it not been for my parents and yet to be experiencing the total lack of regard for their sister...they are busy, their lives are too much fun...besides IVE got it covered...to heck with all of it....I am finally getting to the core of what I really believe in this life...and today it aint pretty....none of it directed at my Mama. I am blessed to have her with me...I love her, I will be here....but I have lost all and I do mean ALL respect for these bozos whom I have looked up to my entire life...what a bunch of leeching losers
my sisters are religious too . one lives 5 miles from edna , dont go see her for any reason but was front and center for the 90th birthday party . theyre just clueless -- cant see the forest for the dead trees that are going to crush their house ..
I feel like this on most days. No one bothers to ask if the can lend a hand. My husband and I haven't been out in months together. I take great care of my mother. Hospice comes in 5 days a week to give a bath. I wish Medicare would pay me that money and allowed me to pay some one to come in when I needed. That would be so much more helpful and give me a chance to leave the house.
God bless all of you who try everyday to provide for your loved ones.

Lately it is hitting me how much resentment I have pent up inside. Don't get me wrong. My Mama is a wonderful woman. I know she loves me and yet, it always felt like (in my opinion) that my needs didn't really matter that much as my brother was the one who had to have the full support and backing of the family finances and time. He was the popular one, he was the one who was so full of awesomeness ...whatever he wanted to do, Mama was behind him 200 percent...we always went on nice family vacations up until my junior high years and my brother was pursuing different things to further his future, so our family vacations stopped so the family could back him fully ...It was strange, my Mama always told me I could do anything on this earth I wanted to do .............as long as I did it sitting here, at home, never leaving the nest.....everything I wanted to do seemed to get crushed because it was "too dangerous" "too far away" too this too that...so after a while I just sucked it up, kept it inside and knew that life just wasn't going to be the same for my brother and me. now fast forwarding ...and there is soooo much more, but not enough time or energy or even desire to relive every painful moment today, but I have given up everything to be here for Mama 24/7. Yes, it was my choice...but I would have thought that all those folks who my parents were here for all their lives would have been here for her now...Nope...more than 2 1/2 years now and just getting worse....I feel bitter, I feel angry, I look in the mirror and the reflection appears so worn out, ragged and cranky....to be honest, I don't think my Mama would have done this...I love Mama, but cannot shake this absolute resentment and rage I am dealing with lately. My brother does nothing and I mean NOTHING but come by at MOST once a week, always at a time when it is not helpful for me, but it's handy for HIM...and when he walks in the door, she goes from being sleepy, non cooperative, and mostly sullen to being energetic, talkative, laughing...and it's not because I don't talk to her, I am so tired all the time from singing to her, telling her jokes, trying to make her laugh...I keep her very very clean....the Hospice folks have told me I am as good at this as anyone they have seen...but it is like it is not enough...all he has to do is walk in the door...yesterday he came and I just decided I was getting out of this house if I did nothing but drive around in circles...I went to a local discount store and just roamed around, found a pair of shoes at a great price 3.00 yes 3.00 and came back in about two hours....they were still laughing, having a ball, he quickly exited at this point..he did not change her, did nothing but sit here and enjoy himself with her, which is great...but he will NEVER know what it is really like until I make plans to get away from here for at least a couple of days and FORCE him to have to truly take care of her...and then at least he knows it is short term...I can truly see that in all likelihood she is going to outlive me....and even if not, I am going to be the most evil hateful, cranky human who ever hit the planet...I already feel that way...at the risk of feeling sorry myself here I am just so stinking done with all the bible thumping christain do nothings in my family....I don't even want to hear their crap anymore...I feel like I have been beaten to a pulp..I look like it too.
Hi Hope,
I am right there with you. I could totally echo back to you everything you have just stated; however, I will be brutally honest with you. I am also become tired of being a caregiver. It has been very recent, but I have felt it building and over the weekend (Saturday) the dam finally burst, and I had a melt down. My cousin was really good about listening to me.
I know exactly what your talking about though. I feel bad for my parent's as family and friends that used to be in the picture...have totally stopped coming around. No one else wants to deal with illness....so, where does that leave us. The sole burnt out providers. I feel ya, and I will say "GOOD JOB"! I am told we will be rewarded. Have you every been told this. Sometimes, I just roll my eyes when someone tells me this...lol.
I hope your having a better day? Hugs to you.....
Flutie

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