This has been the strangest weekend. Memories of such enormous and fun 4th of July weekends on the lake gave way to the reality of my life, as it now is. I fully and completely accept responsibility for my life and where I am right now, I just didn't count on how no one else would be here ... period. I tend to be a private person, so I don't need all the stuff going on around me to be happy and have usually been able to find something to do to make myself happy.
The thing that i have come to realize is that the caregiving part, the caring for my Mama is not what is sending me over the edge. It is not easy..And I am so tired and worn out most of the time from the endless bathing, changing, laundry, cleaning, changing, bathing, etc. etc. but I am dealing with that...I am just so completely flat by the total absence of emotional support from any of the people whom I thought would show at least a teensy bit of compassion. I am becoming so cold and so dead towards people. I fear that i am going to be really horrid on down the road if I am even here by then. I used to hear folks talking about caregivers passing before the folks they care for....I never figured that would apply to me. I'm not so sure anymore