How do you get over guilt?

It's not crazy to think like you are, Missmel. It's normal.

However, you you've made the best decision you can for your mom's health and safety based on the options. Nearly all of us have to go through a time of grieving when we need to get help from others for our loved ones. That includes nursing home care. You will still be part of the care team, but she'll have professional help, as well.

Selling the house will be hard to say the least. You said you mom is doing okay there. How is she cognitively? If she's got dementia, I wouldn't even try to explain selling the house because she may not be able to grasp the reason behind it. If she's cognitively sharp, then you can include her, but let her know that you'll save important family mementos.

Good luck with your situation. Please keep us posted on how you're doing. Many people here in the community have gone through what you are now going through, so you'll get lots of support.

Take care of yourself, now, too.
Carol

I've never had to face this. But I can perhaps offer you a thought on how to lessen the guilt. Is there any foreseeable future that your mom will leave NH and move back home? NO. Therefore, when you sell the house, make sure that All the proceeds go towards your mom's NH cost. This way, you are not benefiting from the sell for You but for HER. Her house will pay for her current place of residence.

As for accepting the current offer of the house, that I cannot help. I'm a scaredy cat. I would jump at the first offer, and then kick myself afterwards because I should have held back for more money. So, I'm not able to help on this. It really depends how good/bad the real estate business is in your area. Are houses selling/rented regularly? Or is it sluggish? Are you able to handle any expenses by holding out for a higher offer? I think you need to do an online research of your mom's area and the going cost of a house similar to hers. Hope you make a successful sale.

Sweetheart, find a good therapist, just for awhile. One who will help you understand and seperate all the emotions swirling around in you. A therapist is good at helping you get clarity. Is money a issue, if not let the house sit for awhile. Caregiving is the hardest thing I have ever done. Too much grief, too much guilt, too many problems with no good solution, I would have gone under without my shrink. He is an ear to pour out all my fears and problems. I get wonderful advice, and help keeping my eye on the prize, which is allowing my 92 year old Dad to stay and die in his home.

Take care of yourself. Make a special effort to eat healthy and get some exercise. Many problems get solved on long walks. Your doing a hard job, be gentle on yourself. Trust your decisions. Don't second guess. You are there for your Mom. That is what is important. Relax and enjoy what little time is left.

This is one of the hardest things we can go through. I don't think there is a right answer, but if you don't need the money right away, then can you let the house sit for a bit and just put yourself first and take care of yourself. Then, find a good real estate agent that you can trust and work with them about the house. One step at a time. Good luck!

Do you need to sell to help NH costs? If not then i would wait give yourself a break maybe rent it out for awhile and why tell mum what good would it do? Hugs as i may be here myself one day soon and doing this alone which terrifies me! i supppose the house like ours is accepting shes never coming back and all those memories IF you can put off selling until shes gone i think that would be better IF you can!

The first thing I would recommend is to set aside all the caregiving and house issues and do something for yourself. Read a good book, go for a walk, call a friend and meet for lunch, go shopping just to wander around, go to a park, museum, movie, garden center...something strictly pleasurable.

You'll feel refreshed after this and can approach the various issues much easier and with a clearer mind.

Then prioritize them. If you have your own house and keeping up two houses is problematic financially as well as with maintenance and time, then work on that. Is the house listed with a realtor, and available through MLS? If not, and if you've found the buyer yourself, contact a few different realtors to get high and low sale estimates so you can decide whether to accept the current offer.

If the offer is through a realtor, explain the situation and ask for an extension of time to consider the offer. Typically offers to purchase are valid for a limited amount of time.

If you do accept it, give the maximum time for physical delivery so you have time to pack everything. This will likely be a difficult task, so don't tackle it too quickly or it will be emotionally and physically overwhelming.

Treat yourself every time you reach a milestone, such as packing the kitchen things, or packing your mother's clothes.

One realtor I know said it was too hard for her to deal with disposing of everything so she packed most of it and put it in her garage. A storage shed is also an option. You don't need the emotional trauma of disposing of your mother's things to be such an intense burden all at one time.

A friend told me when I was going through the same issues that after all a house is just 4 walls and a combination of building materials. It is; it's what went on in the house that creates the memories, and you take those with you.

It took me a long time to get ready to dispose of my sister's house and by that time it needed so many repairs that it wasn't financially feasible to sink that much money into it.

Once I left it though, it was such a relief that I no longer had the emotional as well as physical burdens of the house. My memories came with me and the house stayed where it was.

Years later, I wish I had been emotionally able to sell it as quickly as I could. It was an emotional burden around my neck as it prevented me from moving forward.

I'm not advising you to sell the house now though, unless you really feel it's appropriate for you and your mother. Maybe there are other issues of higher priority, such as just helping your mother get settled and accepting that you're doing the best for her by getting her professional care which you couldn't provide without sacrificing your health. When you can feel better and less guilty, then you can move on to tackle another project.