Would you accept a job offer that would require moving quite far from mom if moving is not an option for her?

I think its a very personal decision based on so many factors including the type of relationship you have with your mother. I personally could not leave my parent esp if they are in a facility since I like to checkup on things and make sure things are going smoothly.....again, there is no right or wrong but i wouldnt be able to do it......and trust me after my father died, i still had tremendous amount of guilt about how i handled his end of life and i was with him daily for 2 months in hospital and facility....i think we will always second guess any of our decisions..

Only you will know the answer. Things to consider though.....can you allow at least 2 to 4 weeks to allow her time to transition at the new facility? Will your new job allow you the ability to frequently visit your mother? Sometimes adjusting to a new job is exhausting. Is there someone you can enlist to stop by and visit mom (and report to you)? I was away for a couple weeks at a bad time for my dad. I paid a service to have someone dad had worked with before to sit with him an hour each day just so there would be an independent caregiver who could notify me is there were a problem. If the staff catches on that you are not around much, they can let care needs slide, particularly if mom is forgetful and not likely to report things. Will mom in her new digs be able to reach out to you via phone or email? Last, if you take the job and love it, look into moving mom closer to you, whether she likes it or not. If it comes to this scenario, just offer her questions that NOT yes or no. For example, if you ask her if she wants to move to where you are, it allows her to answer no. If you ask her if she wants to move after Christmas or next summer, she (in theory:) will choose one of those options. Good luck with this big decision!

emanes,

So much of your decision involves your relationship with her. Would you miss her? Would she miss you? Would you have time before you left to make sure that she is being cared for properly at this facility?

Everyone who answers is coming from that perspective of their own relationship with a parent. We can try to be objective, but our life experiences will color our responses.

If this job were important to my well-being and future earnings in retirement, I would definitely take it. I would get myself settled in my new job, scout out facilities near me, and then transfer my mother. I understand that you stated that “moving is not an option for her”. Why is that? She will already be moving soon to a care facility that you picked out. Yes, it will be difficult to move her again, but it will be much better for you and her.

Again, I can only respond from my own experience. If my mother had no one else to visit her, I would make sure she was close enough so that I could see her often - one, because I would miss her otherwise, and two, to oversee her care in the facility.

I would not, and stayed here close to my dad, mom, brother, aunt and precious special needs sister to care for them and was with them when they passed. They've all passed now...my dad May 18th and my angel sister Dec 27, 2018. This was my choice, I was their help and support. Now the entire family is gone, and my precious 12 year old German Shepherd is in his last days and I am with him as I was my family. When he is gone I will leave this city/state behind and start fresh elsewhere but I wouldn't take anything for the time I spent caring for my family. This is entirely your choice, no choice is a bad choice. Follow your heart and do what's best for you.

While jobs come and go, solid relationships can last decades and be the foundation of our lives. Do not let anyone (even the chorus on AC) push you into doing something you don't really want to do. For me, the stress of worrying about Mom, arranging days off and travel, the travel expense, and not being able to there when she has a problem and is hospitalized would make most distance jobs unappealing. My point of view is and has been a minority opinion in our financially focused world throughout my working life. I have close and satisfying relationships with many childhood friends, community friends, cousins, extended family and siblings as well as their children and grandchildren. I have absolutely no regrets for prioritizing people and a real life over distant jobs. I do not expect to see many of my work colleagues at my funeral.

If you are satisfied with your current job and the opportunities to get another local job if you need one, then I would carefully consider what you will need to give up in a long distant move. Ask yourself if you would regret the move if the new job doesn't work out as well as you hope. How do you see managing that job if Mom spends a week in the ICU? Making the choice, whether stay or move, that works best for you is the path of no regrets.

You don't say how old she is or what her physical or mental status is, but things can change rapidly with the elderly, so I would keep a pretty close eye on her. If she is in independent living, be prepared for her to need more care at some point. In assisted living, those with regular family visits often get the best care, so it's unfortunate that she can't move closer to you. I appreciate that you have to make a difficult decision and wish you and your mother the very best.

Emanes, you leave a number of questions that could help determine an answer to your situation. 1. Is your new position's compensation significant enough to make this lifestyle change? 2. What is your mom's physical and mental state?
3. Is she the kind to make friends in a new environment? 3. What is your mom's financial state/? 4. Do you have siblings? 5. At the end of the year, can you look back and be confident you made the right decision? Don't feel any guilt because it is clear from your story you care for your mom and have made arrangements for her care. But I think more information is needed. How often to visit? Can she or someone in the facility operate a computer, tablet or smart phone? With such you can check in with her often, maybe 3 or 4 times a week with a face to face call.. Or even a phone all. At this point in your life/career, if the new job and pay will be substantial, what advice do you think your mom would give you if she were 10 years younger? need more details!

Can I ask why relocating her is not possible?
Maybe not this month or next but when you get established in your new job and have a chance to look around your new hometown is there a possibility to transfer her closer to you?
Transferring from one facility to another is not easy, is not inexpensive particularly a long distance. But it is possible.
The facility she is in now may have another near where this new job will take you. If that is the case the two can work together when an opening comes up and helping to arrange the transfer.

You are not abandoning your mom. You are doing what she raised you to do.
You are furthering yourself. Setting yourself up for a better future. That's what all parents want their children to do.
I would almost bet that if your mom was aware of the situation she would tell you to go and pursue this new job.

The question is not move or not move, but how to have your own life while caring for hers? Do what you must to make your life work. Then, do what you can to care for her with the resources you have. If it was me, I'd leave her there until you are settled and then take the necessary time to find a nice place for her near me.

Your mother doesn't know how time passes, and she will only get worse. So visit whenever you want, see her when you can, Your mother is safe, thanks to you, and always remember that. I know that you must love your mother very much, but it might be time for letting go. Just a bit. Peace and love.

Such a personal decision and this very much depends on the circumstances. I would not accept a job that would require me to move far from my mother. For one, I am her main and only caregiver - but when the time comes to put her in an elder care home, I would do everything in my power to stay as close as possible and see her as much as possible. We have always been very close, a team really. I understand she is changing and will change as the Dementia progresses, but I know I am the only person she truly trusts and relies on. I pray everyday that when she starts forgetting people, even when she doesn't know who I am, that somewhere inside of her she'll still feel the trust and love.
I would also very much want to make sure she is being treated well and would always be worried about her care so I would want to check on her because there would be hell to pay if I find anyone mistreated her.
I have always taken care of her so I will take care of her until she is no longer. That said, again, everyone and every situation is so different so I understand both sides. Just in my situation, I know I must be around for her.

Yes! Haha when this question popped up in my email my first thought was, "run for your life!" Perfect excuse to get on with your life!

If she has no one to visit her where she lives, perhaps moving her closer to where you will live would be an option.

Please, don't start another thread it really confuses the posters.

The visiting would be all up to you and what u can afford. I am assuming this is a big opportunity. You really do need to look at your future. SS, 401k, etc. The first month u will be hectic for u. New job, new home. Is Mom able to use a cell phone without abusing it, like calling you at work for every little thing. If so, you can keep in touch. If u can, I think a monthly visit would be enough.

Be aware, that if Mom is on Medicaid, it doesn't go over state lines.

My first instinct is yes, do it, but I'm hesitant because she has no other family or friends nearby to visit her. Fortunately, however, just this past weekend I was able to get her into a really nice facility where I feel like she will get decent care and maybe even make some friends.
I might should start another topic, but if this all goes through, I wonder how often I should try to visit her...once a month, once every other month, ? It would require a plane ticket. I work full time so I could only stay a day or two at a time.

Your mom is 84 according to your profile. She’s lived her life. You have every right to live your life now. You need to put your own well-being first. Don’t put your life on hold or make financial sacrifices. Do what’s best for you. If the job includes PTO, don’t be afraid to try to negotiate more than what they offer, and then you can use some of that time to visit your mom.

You must ensure your own future wellbeing. Money is a big part of that picture. Who knows what our old age is going to look like, how much it will cost, and how much it will not resemble what we are used to nowadays.

I would, she has care and is where she needs to be, you need to go on with your life.

Yes. Your Mum is in a nursing home, they provide her care. If you are POA, there is much that you can do online.

My Mum is 85 and I would not hesitate to move if I get a good job offer after I finish my degree. As in I am looking all across Canada and live on the West Coast. I have years of work and life ahead of me, I cannot afford to give up opportunities for my own future.

Does she have other support? Do you enjoy her and wish to remain a support to her? Are there other reasons other than job and salary that makes you want this move? All things being equal I would move if I wanted to move. It would be up to my parent then to move more near me in a small apartment or condo were she to want my support. But there may be a whole lot of other issues figuring into this decision I am not aware of.