Would you accept a job offer that would require moving quite far from mom if moving is not an option for her?

I think these days financial considerations/job offers, etc. have to be taken very seriously. It's fine if you are a trust fund kid, but how many of us are?  Look at it this way: You parents had their lives and you have just the same rights.

Hmmm maybe it’s because I come from generations of caretakers but no I absolutely would not if my mother wasn’t able to travel. I actually think it’s pretty selfish to leave your mom like that or have her in a nursing home. They treat patients horribly when their family isn't a constant presence. No one is saying give up your life but if you have the means to move for a higher paying job and afford a care facility to your mom then you can afford a really good caretaker.

No I would not. But that's me. I also did not have to put my mother into a NH. You should know that if you are not there consistently checking up on them, her care is very likely to decline. Staff are generally overworked and underpaid and even the best can miss things.

If finances allow, how about a care manager? Someone that could set up a routine that would transition your mom into her settings, keep an eye on things and relate any problems as they come up.

Hhaving lived through leaving a career, selling a home I loved and moving 1000 miles to a city I could not stand with absolutely no support, I would say: live your life and, as others have posted: your mom has lived hers. I stayed 4 years and was at her side until her final breath. She had dementia and it was hell on earth. I will never be the same and trying to rebuild all that I've lost and start over in my late 50's is another kind of hell. That said: Even with your mom in AL, you must have eyes and ears on the ground-so to speak-re: these facilities. For legal reasons, I can say no more about that; but, trust me, someone needs to check on her frequently and at odd hours and days. Even the 'high end' facilities hide many skeletons. Just my two cents...

You are the only person that can answer this question for yourself. We can give our opinions.

My opinion is do what is right for you. Make arrangements for good care. Where is she living now? Sorry, I didn’t read all the answers.

Visit as often as you can. Or see if she would like to move near you. Would you be interested in her living near you?

First of all I have read through a few of the responses to your question and I am
shocked at the responses.  When did society become so self centered?  I was surprised that there was even a question about moving away from your mother.  As a person who has worked as a caregiver for 8 years and the daughter of both my mother and grand mother with dementia,  I do have some input.  I am not trying to put you down or be mean at all however...you only have one mother.  She has only one life, she gave you life.  So your first question should be what you can do for her.  You might think that the facility that you saw was nice,  but a lot of them are not.  What happens if you move and find out that she isn't happy?  I haven't always been the perfect daughter myself.  But it is my opinion that you should take care of her while you can.  I believe that if you do that the job opportunities will come your way after.  God will bless you for making the right choice.  After all he asked us to "Honor your father and your mother."

My answer is no. According to her health and her age. You know she is sooner or later going to need family to help her. Think of what she would do if the table was turned.

Thank you everyone for your input - it's given me a lot to think about.
For clarification, I shouldn't have said moving is not an option for her. It could be an option, just one that would be difficult given her health and financial situations and require crossing state lines. But it's not impossible.
I haven't talked to her about this since it's not a done deal by any means, but I believe she would be open to moving. Like my husband and myself, she is not originally from here, and she has lived in many different places in her lifetime.
I think taking the job - which has many advantages for my husband and me - and then later trying to move her closer is the most likely scenario. I do have a local friend who might be willing to check in on her, but if not, I will explore other options.

I wouldn't, in fact came back 20 years ago to help my mom with my grandmother. Now I wouldn't and actually didn't when an opportunity came up because I'm at the end of my career and settled. I also can't imagine leaving my mom without an advocate. For you it depends on your situation and how much you desire the new job opportunity.

No, I wouldn't. There are lots of things down the road you can't manage from a distance and you are basically abandoning her. Not to mention what you are giving up on bonding with her.

I would not do it. Even if she is in a facility, getting there is going to be costly. If she is aware of her surroundings, wouldn't she be lonely not seeing you more often than 6 times a year? Figure out what it would cost to visit a couple times a month and deduct that amount from what you would be making at the new job versus a slightly lower paying job where you are now.
If the job is that important to you, then move her to a facility nearer to where you want to relocate. Spending time with her, without all the cost or having to take a lot of leave from a new job (if she became ill) is more important than trying out a new job. In my opinion.

To me, the answer lies in your ambivalence. You just aren’t ready to let her go, even if it’s only through relocation. As others have asked, is this the dream job you’ve be preparing for all your life? Then take it and find a way to make it work (and understand stress and craziness will occur). If it’s for a significant pay increase, weigh the pros and cons carefully. I left a job I adored for a ton more money and it took several years to recover from that bad decision.

My situation now is to the point where I’d probably accept an offer to do the IT for a beach side taco and margarita hut in Mexico!

If you think this is the one, the job you’ve always wanted, I say go for it. Yes, your mom won’t be here forever, but neither will you. For years we lived under the ‘if mama ain’t happy’ rule. Well I’m 60 now and it’s my turn to be mama for a few years. Please consider what YOU want too.

Being sh eis in a Facility, Make the trip when you Can and Call her.

I think it would be difficult long distance. Your mother has no family nearby, and she will need the support of family.

Her needs are going to be greater, of course, as she ages. That dynamic may not work. Initially it sounds like a wonderful job offer that may not work long term.

I really don't know how you're going to manage all the crises your mother is going to have as she ages and approaches the end of her life, being a plane ride away. While there is nothing wrong in theory with moving thousands of miles away from her, logistically, it can turn into a nightmare for you when things go south. I am an only child to a nearly 93 y/o mother who has a weekly crisis of one kind or another. Just this year alone, we've been to the emergency room 4x, the hospital for admission once, rehab (2 different ones b/c the first one was awful), the ENT doctor 4x, and a host of other places too numerous to mention. If I were living far away, I am not sure how I possibly could have handled all of those issues.

If your mother is in Skilled Nursing, they do handle quite a few more issues for the elders than they do in Assisted Living. If she's in Assisted Living at this point, I sincerely don't see how this is feasible for you.

Whatever you decide, best of luck.

This is YOUR time of life. You must think of YOU first and do whatever it takes to make your life the best you can make it. She lived her life. Visit her if you can and want for a day or two on special holidays or a special occasion. In the meantime, encourage her to get active where she is and make friends - and what is wrong with telephone calls? Think of you first.

I have two thoughts about this. Well, three.

I agree with others who have said that since she's now in a facility, it's fine for you to move on with your life.

In terms of her refusal to move closer to you, just remember that with an elderly person, change is guaranteed. If she grows to feel that she needs you and you are already settled in a job somewhere else, she may change her mind. That happened with my mother.

As far as how often to visit, I'd limit it to special occasions at first. Maybe her birthday, Mother's Day, Christmas, or the like. Realize that as years go by, there will be crises and emergencies that you will likely want (or feel the need) to be there for. The last few years of life, people tend to move from crisis to crisis. If I were you, I'd save my leave time and travel dollars for that.

yes and tell her she's welcome to move in with you anytime; and mean it.

What to do is entirely your decision. I have some considerations from the perspective of a daughter who has lived in another state. When Mama required assisted living, and later independent living after a stroke, some issues needed oversight. My sister, who was local, was not checking in by phone or physically with Mama. I would drive 6 hours and find multiple facility-related problems that were not being addressed, even months after I had reported them. Medical care was not addressing issues either. There were other issues involving local family that were creating a toxic atmosphere. So, Mama asked to come to my house for a "vacation. " While she was with me, we investigated a continual care retirement village. She decided, with my encouragement, to move to where I live. We found that she qualifies for more benefits here as well. Now, I can check on her physically weekly, assist with shopping, attend medical appointments, and assist with finances as she wishes.
What I found was being in separate states without reliable, trustworthy local support, a lot can go wrong or be very sad.
I wish you and your mom the best, and hope you can confidently decide what will work for you two.

I’m sharing the opposite experience, of turning down the career path option. My mother only had me locally (and it turned out that her cancer was slowly metastasising), and I was sharing care for my young daughters equally with their father. I had the opportunity to move to Canberra in a field close to my heart (non-profit welfare management), and turned it down. I didn’t want my children joining the little group with name tags being taken onto the plane to stay with the other parent for the school holidays, or to leave my mother in her independent living facility without other support. At 72, I don’t regret the decision. I think it is very common for people to wish as they age that they had accomplished more, and yes I do feel that. I had many more ties than you, so this is certainly not advice. We make our choices and live with them, but it isn’t always easy.

This is a very difficult question to answer. You need to make sure your future is secure, you also need to know that mom is well cared for. When someone is far away, if something happens challenges can ensue and with her being in a different state than you are living for your job will your new position allow you to commute when such situation arises? We had difficulties with the acceptance of a POA and found it very discouraging to handle certain things. Do you believe that your mom would would miss you not visiting? How often do you visit now? Could she handle a move closer to your new location? Can you find suitable Medicaid facility that has room for her in the new state you will be living?

Is the new job one that you will love, or a promotional opportunity not to be missed? If your Mother wasn't in the picture at all, would you want to take the new job? Make the job decision for yourself, then consider what could be done for your Mother after that. I think we all need to walk our own path. It doesn't make you less of a daughter.

It sounds so easy to say, “just move her close to where you are”. But seniors, especially those with cognitive issues, are often highly independent, irrational, and are absolutely terrified to think about what is happening to them.

Moving away anywhere, especially away from the place they’ve always known, even if it is to a beautiful facility, is scary and unthinkable to them.

They have already experienced overwhelming losses. As a result they fiercely push back and refuse to move and/or accept the help and love from others that they desperately need in order to try and maintain as much control of their lives as possible.

Remember that the brain is broken and it is the disease talking, not your parent.

Do the best you can to make sure they are taken care of wherever they are and make sure to take good care of yourself, too. Balance is the key.

Talking to a good Geriatric Care Manager for their help and advice is a good place to start in determining options for caregiving help and other solutions.

Would she consider being in a facility close to you? That way, you'll be able to visit her more often.

Hi Emaries,
I am writing from the patients perspective and will share a conversation I've had with my 4 children which range in age from 38-12 as well as my DW. Three of them are adults, though two are college age, I have also shared this with my 12 yr old daughter.
I was diagnosed 3 1/2 yrs ago with Early Onset ALZ at the age of 57. I've told all of them they need to make the moves that are best for their careers, and best for any families they have in the future. The last thing I want is for them to feel trapped in to having to care for me. My DW and I began planning for the future at the time we were engaged. Being in the income range of higher middle income we've saved and invested for the last 25yrs. No, it can never be enough.
The three adult men have been encouraged to put together plans for their retirement years and encouraged to buy LTC insurance while they are eligible to purchase it. Our youngest is a Special Needs Child, who is medically disqualified from purchasing LTC insurance.
We started educating them on the subject of finances since their early teens, and just beginning with our youngest. Her special needs do not involve any intellectual deficits, so she's grasping much of what we are teaching her. My advice to you, look out for yourself and don't put yourself in a position of jeopardizing you future life. No, that doesn't mean abandoning your parent. However, you have to be sure you are securing your own future. That is only being fair to yourself. My opinion. Best of luck.

If she has no one where she is - if you can, move her to where you are. As someone mentioned there are services for this. Long distance care giving is really difficult.
Alternatively, is she is too infirm, mentally unaware, etc. find a caregiver where she is to look in on her for a few hours a day. If you are working and she is in need of care - you will need a caregiver regardless of where she is. Contact your local Office on Aging (Senior services) There may be volunteers (usually other seniors) who will visit.
In CA we have In Home Supportive Services for income qualified people that will provide some assistance.

Why not move her once you are settled in your new place? if she is in a facility then just switch her to 1 near you - there is even special services that with do it for you or fly her there with you -

This will take some of your worry/guilt away - if it is a different climate that will make no difference unless she goes out a lot as these places are all set about the same temperature year round

You are the only one who can make this decision. Are willing, do you have the funds, and energy to traipse back and forth however often? Would she want to live near you? It sounds like she would not be leaving much behind at this point...and could as easily make new friends where you are moving. Also how accommodating is your boss/workplace, especially if an emergency came up? Do you get holidays off? There are always those 3 day weekends to contemplate so you get an extra day (maybe even one for yourself:-).