Would you accept a job offer that would require moving quite far from mom if moving is not an option for her?

Does she have other support? Do you enjoy her and wish to remain a support to her? Are there other reasons other than job and salary that makes you want this move? All things being equal I would move if I wanted to move. It would be up to my parent then to move more near me in a small apartment or condo were she to want my support. But there may be a whole lot of other issues figuring into this decision I am not aware of.

Yes. Your Mum is in a nursing home, they provide her care. If you are POA, there is much that you can do online.

My Mum is 85 and I would not hesitate to move if I get a good job offer after I finish my degree. As in I am looking all across Canada and live on the West Coast. I have years of work and life ahead of me, I cannot afford to give up opportunities for my own future.

I would, she has care and is where she needs to be, you need to go on with your life.

You must ensure your own future wellbeing. Money is a big part of that picture. Who knows what our old age is going to look like, how much it will cost, and how much it will not resemble what we are used to nowadays.

Your mom is 84 according to your profile. She’s lived her life. You have every right to live your life now. You need to put your own well-being first. Don’t put your life on hold or make financial sacrifices. Do what’s best for you. If the job includes PTO, don’t be afraid to try to negotiate more than what they offer, and then you can use some of that time to visit your mom.

My first instinct is yes, do it, but I'm hesitant because she has no other family or friends nearby to visit her. Fortunately, however, just this past weekend I was able to get her into a really nice facility where I feel like she will get decent care and maybe even make some friends.
I might should start another topic, but if this all goes through, I wonder how often I should try to visit her...once a month, once every other month, ? It would require a plane ticket. I work full time so I could only stay a day or two at a time.

Please, don't start another thread it really confuses the posters.

The visiting would be all up to you and what u can afford. I am assuming this is a big opportunity. You really do need to look at your future. SS, 401k, etc. The first month u will be hectic for u. New job, new home. Is Mom able to use a cell phone without abusing it, like calling you at work for every little thing. If so, you can keep in touch. If u can, I think a monthly visit would be enough.

Be aware, that if Mom is on Medicaid, it doesn't go over state lines.

If she has no one to visit her where she lives, perhaps moving her closer to where you will live would be an option.

Yes! Haha when this question popped up in my email my first thought was, "run for your life!" Perfect excuse to get on with your life!

Such a personal decision and this very much depends on the circumstances. I would not accept a job that would require me to move far from my mother. For one, I am her main and only caregiver - but when the time comes to put her in an elder care home, I would do everything in my power to stay as close as possible and see her as much as possible. We have always been very close, a team really. I understand she is changing and will change as the Dementia progresses, but I know I am the only person she truly trusts and relies on. I pray everyday that when she starts forgetting people, even when she doesn't know who I am, that somewhere inside of her she'll still feel the trust and love.
I would also very much want to make sure she is being treated well and would always be worried about her care so I would want to check on her because there would be hell to pay if I find anyone mistreated her.
I have always taken care of her so I will take care of her until she is no longer. That said, again, everyone and every situation is so different so I understand both sides. Just in my situation, I know I must be around for her.

Your mother doesn't know how time passes, and she will only get worse. So visit whenever you want, see her when you can, Your mother is safe, thanks to you, and always remember that. I know that you must love your mother very much, but it might be time for letting go. Just a bit. Peace and love.

The question is not move or not move, but how to have your own life while caring for hers? Do what you must to make your life work. Then, do what you can to care for her with the resources you have. If it was me, I'd leave her there until you are settled and then take the necessary time to find a nice place for her near me.

Can I ask why relocating her is not possible?
Maybe not this month or next but when you get established in your new job and have a chance to look around your new hometown is there a possibility to transfer her closer to you?
Transferring from one facility to another is not easy, is not inexpensive particularly a long distance. But it is possible.
The facility she is in now may have another near where this new job will take you. If that is the case the two can work together when an opening comes up and helping to arrange the transfer.

You are not abandoning your mom. You are doing what she raised you to do.
You are furthering yourself. Setting yourself up for a better future. That's what all parents want their children to do.
I would almost bet that if your mom was aware of the situation she would tell you to go and pursue this new job.

Emanes, you leave a number of questions that could help determine an answer to your situation. 1. Is your new position's compensation significant enough to make this lifestyle change? 2. What is your mom's physical and mental state?
3. Is she the kind to make friends in a new environment? 3. What is your mom's financial state/? 4. Do you have siblings? 5. At the end of the year, can you look back and be confident you made the right decision? Don't feel any guilt because it is clear from your story you care for your mom and have made arrangements for her care. But I think more information is needed. How often to visit? Can she or someone in the facility operate a computer, tablet or smart phone? With such you can check in with her often, maybe 3 or 4 times a week with a face to face call.. Or even a phone all. At this point in your life/career, if the new job and pay will be substantial, what advice do you think your mom would give you if she were 10 years younger? need more details!

You don't say how old she is or what her physical or mental status is, but things can change rapidly with the elderly, so I would keep a pretty close eye on her. If she is in independent living, be prepared for her to need more care at some point. In assisted living, those with regular family visits often get the best care, so it's unfortunate that she can't move closer to you. I appreciate that you have to make a difficult decision and wish you and your mother the very best.

While jobs come and go, solid relationships can last decades and be the foundation of our lives. Do not let anyone (even the chorus on AC) push you into doing something you don't really want to do. For me, the stress of worrying about Mom, arranging days off and travel, the travel expense, and not being able to there when she has a problem and is hospitalized would make most distance jobs unappealing. My point of view is and has been a minority opinion in our financially focused world throughout my working life. I have close and satisfying relationships with many childhood friends, community friends, cousins, extended family and siblings as well as their children and grandchildren. I have absolutely no regrets for prioritizing people and a real life over distant jobs. I do not expect to see many of my work colleagues at my funeral.

If you are satisfied with your current job and the opportunities to get another local job if you need one, then I would carefully consider what you will need to give up in a long distant move. Ask yourself if you would regret the move if the new job doesn't work out as well as you hope. How do you see managing that job if Mom spends a week in the ICU? Making the choice, whether stay or move, that works best for you is the path of no regrets.

I would not, and stayed here close to my dad, mom, brother, aunt and precious special needs sister to care for them and was with them when they passed. They've all passed now...my dad May 18th and my angel sister Dec 27, 2018. This was my choice, I was their help and support. Now the entire family is gone, and my precious 12 year old German Shepherd is in his last days and I am with him as I was my family. When he is gone I will leave this city/state behind and start fresh elsewhere but I wouldn't take anything for the time I spent caring for my family. This is entirely your choice, no choice is a bad choice. Follow your heart and do what's best for you.

emanes,

So much of your decision involves your relationship with her. Would you miss her? Would she miss you? Would you have time before you left to make sure that she is being cared for properly at this facility?

Everyone who answers is coming from that perspective of their own relationship with a parent. We can try to be objective, but our life experiences will color our responses.

If this job were important to my well-being and future earnings in retirement, I would definitely take it. I would get myself settled in my new job, scout out facilities near me, and then transfer my mother. I understand that you stated that “moving is not an option for her”. Why is that? She will already be moving soon to a care facility that you picked out. Yes, it will be difficult to move her again, but it will be much better for you and her.

Again, I can only respond from my own experience. If my mother had no one else to visit her, I would make sure she was close enough so that I could see her often - one, because I would miss her otherwise, and two, to oversee her care in the facility.

Only you will know the answer. Things to consider though.....can you allow at least 2 to 4 weeks to allow her time to transition at the new facility? Will your new job allow you the ability to frequently visit your mother? Sometimes adjusting to a new job is exhausting. Is there someone you can enlist to stop by and visit mom (and report to you)? I was away for a couple weeks at a bad time for my dad. I paid a service to have someone dad had worked with before to sit with him an hour each day just so there would be an independent caregiver who could notify me is there were a problem. If the staff catches on that you are not around much, they can let care needs slide, particularly if mom is forgetful and not likely to report things. Will mom in her new digs be able to reach out to you via phone or email? Last, if you take the job and love it, look into moving mom closer to you, whether she likes it or not. If it comes to this scenario, just offer her questions that NOT yes or no. For example, if you ask her if she wants to move to where you are, it allows her to answer no. If you ask her if she wants to move after Christmas or next summer, she (in theory:) will choose one of those options. Good luck with this big decision!

I think its a very personal decision based on so many factors including the type of relationship you have with your mother. I personally could not leave my parent esp if they are in a facility since I like to checkup on things and make sure things are going smoothly.....again, there is no right or wrong but i wouldnt be able to do it......and trust me after my father died, i still had tremendous amount of guilt about how i handled his end of life and i was with him daily for 2 months in hospital and facility....i think we will always second guess any of our decisions..

You are the only one who can make this decision. Are willing, do you have the funds, and energy to traipse back and forth however often? Would she want to live near you? It sounds like she would not be leaving much behind at this point...and could as easily make new friends where you are moving. Also how accommodating is your boss/workplace, especially if an emergency came up? Do you get holidays off? There are always those 3 day weekends to contemplate so you get an extra day (maybe even one for yourself:-).

Why not move her once you are settled in your new place? if she is in a facility then just switch her to 1 near you - there is even special services that with do it for you or fly her there with you -

This will take some of your worry/guilt away - if it is a different climate that will make no difference unless she goes out a lot as these places are all set about the same temperature year round

If she has no one where she is - if you can, move her to where you are. As someone mentioned there are services for this. Long distance care giving is really difficult.
Alternatively, is she is too infirm, mentally unaware, etc. find a caregiver where she is to look in on her for a few hours a day. If you are working and she is in need of care - you will need a caregiver regardless of where she is. Contact your local Office on Aging (Senior services) There may be volunteers (usually other seniors) who will visit.
In CA we have In Home Supportive Services for income qualified people that will provide some assistance.

Hi Emaries,
I am writing from the patients perspective and will share a conversation I've had with my 4 children which range in age from 38-12 as well as my DW. Three of them are adults, though two are college age, I have also shared this with my 12 yr old daughter.
I was diagnosed 3 1/2 yrs ago with Early Onset ALZ at the age of 57. I've told all of them they need to make the moves that are best for their careers, and best for any families they have in the future. The last thing I want is for them to feel trapped in to having to care for me. My DW and I began planning for the future at the time we were engaged. Being in the income range of higher middle income we've saved and invested for the last 25yrs. No, it can never be enough.
The three adult men have been encouraged to put together plans for their retirement years and encouraged to buy LTC insurance while they are eligible to purchase it. Our youngest is a Special Needs Child, who is medically disqualified from purchasing LTC insurance.
We started educating them on the subject of finances since their early teens, and just beginning with our youngest. Her special needs do not involve any intellectual deficits, so she's grasping much of what we are teaching her. My advice to you, look out for yourself and don't put yourself in a position of jeopardizing you future life. No, that doesn't mean abandoning your parent. However, you have to be sure you are securing your own future. That is only being fair to yourself. My opinion. Best of luck.

Would she consider being in a facility close to you? That way, you'll be able to visit her more often.

It sounds so easy to say, “just move her close to where you are”. But seniors, especially those with cognitive issues, are often highly independent, irrational, and are absolutely terrified to think about what is happening to them.

Moving away anywhere, especially away from the place they’ve always known, even if it is to a beautiful facility, is scary and unthinkable to them.

They have already experienced overwhelming losses. As a result they fiercely push back and refuse to move and/or accept the help and love from others that they desperately need in order to try and maintain as much control of their lives as possible.

Remember that the brain is broken and it is the disease talking, not your parent.

Do the best you can to make sure they are taken care of wherever they are and make sure to take good care of yourself, too. Balance is the key.

Talking to a good Geriatric Care Manager for their help and advice is a good place to start in determining options for caregiving help and other solutions.

Is the new job one that you will love, or a promotional opportunity not to be missed? If your Mother wasn't in the picture at all, would you want to take the new job? Make the job decision for yourself, then consider what could be done for your Mother after that. I think we all need to walk our own path. It doesn't make you less of a daughter.

This is a very difficult question to answer. You need to make sure your future is secure, you also need to know that mom is well cared for. When someone is far away, if something happens challenges can ensue and with her being in a different state than you are living for your job will your new position allow you to commute when such situation arises? We had difficulties with the acceptance of a POA and found it very discouraging to handle certain things. Do you believe that your mom would would miss you not visiting? How often do you visit now? Could she handle a move closer to your new location? Can you find suitable Medicaid facility that has room for her in the new state you will be living?

I’m sharing the opposite experience, of turning down the career path option. My mother only had me locally (and it turned out that her cancer was slowly metastasising), and I was sharing care for my young daughters equally with their father. I had the opportunity to move to Canberra in a field close to my heart (non-profit welfare management), and turned it down. I didn’t want my children joining the little group with name tags being taken onto the plane to stay with the other parent for the school holidays, or to leave my mother in her independent living facility without other support. At 72, I don’t regret the decision. I think it is very common for people to wish as they age that they had accomplished more, and yes I do feel that. I had many more ties than you, so this is certainly not advice. We make our choices and live with them, but it isn’t always easy.

What to do is entirely your decision. I have some considerations from the perspective of a daughter who has lived in another state. When Mama required assisted living, and later independent living after a stroke, some issues needed oversight. My sister, who was local, was not checking in by phone or physically with Mama. I would drive 6 hours and find multiple facility-related problems that were not being addressed, even months after I had reported them. Medical care was not addressing issues either. There were other issues involving local family that were creating a toxic atmosphere. So, Mama asked to come to my house for a "vacation. " While she was with me, we investigated a continual care retirement village. She decided, with my encouragement, to move to where I live. We found that she qualifies for more benefits here as well. Now, I can check on her physically weekly, assist with shopping, attend medical appointments, and assist with finances as she wishes.
What I found was being in separate states without reliable, trustworthy local support, a lot can go wrong or be very sad.
I wish you and your mom the best, and hope you can confidently decide what will work for you two.