Follow
Share

Today is the day that I feel like all I do is go around in circles with my momma. My sister is mental and of course I hear all about it and everybody else problems, finances, issues, marriage, living arrangements and you got it. What she likes to do is vent, b&%$@# and use you as a whipping post, but if you try to resolve the problem or help it is like you are going no where. One conversation she will be upset about sister and she is going to do this and this about it and then the next conversation she says well I am too old to do that. Of course she has dumped on you and she feels better now. So how do you feel? Same thing about brother's finances. We have talked to momma many many times about what he needs to do now before he receives an inheritance and it is like we go around around around around. She did the same thing to my dad, but since he is gone now - she uses me. If I speak up and say that I don't want to here about it - she lashes out at me with little remarks that I am catching and then I just remark back. I am her primary caregiver. I do not get any help from mental sister and very little from brother. I hired the housekeeper to help for two more hours every week and she is not working out either. Just like the rest of them. She has her hand out all the time for money. Has made comments about family and momma's finances to me that I did not appreciate, but momma likes her because she can vent, b&^%$#@ and use her as a whipping post and the housekeeper takes it - I don't. When I tried to talk to momma about why we have the housekeeper for two extra hours - she does not get it. She would rather go right back into her bed - after she poo poo in it after she told me that she was capable of changing her own sheets - while I guess not. She then told me that she was the one that called her doctor for a half refill on her prescriptions because she did not have enough until her next doctor's apt. and would not listen when I told her that I was the one that called. So the next time she calls me and wants to vent, b87&^%%$ and use me as a whipping post - what do I do? Hang up on her? Give the phone to my husband and let him hear it? Change the subject - does not work - tried that - she goes right back where she left off. Tell her again and just let her lash out at me again and again. I feel like that I am slowly being chipped away.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
It sounds as if your mother has always had this type of personality but it could be made worse by dementia. Either way, unless she will allow a doctor to help you likely can't do much to change things.

You do have to set limits. As Pam said, let her vent once a day and then say that you will be unavailable until the next day. If you have caller ID you could avoid calls however you don't want to miss a true emergency so you may need to answer but politely say you can't listen any more today and then hang up. Avoid yelling or being drawn into a fight. That will just hurt you.


If she has dementia, the lying is more from memory issues than real lying (confabulating is one word as Dave suggested). Even then, you don't have to let her completely control you. Trained in-home caregivers will let her complain without taking it emotionally since they aren't part of the family dynamic. Yes they do charge a lot, but often it's worth it.

Do what you can but don't let guilt destroy you.
Carol
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

One call a day. After that, let the answering machine pick it up. Save your sanity by moving her to a Nursing Home. It really is time for that.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

down right lies... probably not

Confabulate. We
make..verbal statements and/or actions that inaccurately describe
history, background and present situations

Confabulating is distinct from lying because first there is no
intent to deceive, second the person being unaware that the
information is blatantly false. Confabulating can be coherent,
internally consistent, and reasonable...despite clearly contradicting
evidence.

try to accept the mind is damaqed by Alzheimer's Disease. Forget
about rational responses. we can run ourselve ragged trying to
rationalize the irrational behaviors
Easy to say, impossible to live with ..

Seek help for yourself

Elder Affairs Attorney who know Alzheimer's

Social Worker or shrink
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

I know its hard but try to keep in mind that as they lose their control over their lives, their finances, their bodies, their memories, they are frightened. They get angry, they demand attention to verify for themselves that they still matter, and they invent stories to fill in the memory gaps because they sense that they are not "all right". Ultimately you are dealing with fear, so the lies and lashing out are a symptom of that. My mom did the same thing because she was embarrassed and scared that she could no longer remember key events in her own life.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

To me the answer is simple, time for her to go to assisted living or nursing home.
Realize she is your Mom, but the best you can do for her and you and YOUR own immediate family is get her help. Trust me, it will be the best for all of you. She will be put on the right meds for her and she will be more pleasant to be around. You can visit with her, take her out for outings and then bring her back. All is good. Been there twice. Good luck to you!
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

All of us here have been where you are now...try not to take it personally..(it's hard at the beginning...but you'll adjust) Changing the subject is a plus..also remember what she says, believes, etc...it truth to her..no matter what you tell her....what she says is what SHE knows for fact...NOTHING you say will change her mind...don't even try because you'll be the one frustrated to no end!!! Ask doctor for anti-anxiety meds...worked wonders for Mom...she's 'human' again...and a sheer pleasure to be around...like before this monster hit..I could and should write a book on the hurtful things she's said about me (her only caregiver) with a brother who visits maybe monthly or less and a sister who we haven't seen or heard of in over 30 years...so I'm it...I recently became her guardian which means I now control her finances...she was not happy in addition to what the disease has done to her so I heard it all and Mom even called family members telling them I've stolen everything from her...She was soooo mean one day..I finally said "What have you done with my Mother...who are you?? My Mother would never say those mean things to me"..I told her I'm not going away...I'll always be here for you.....it made her stop and think...for only a minute but it felt good to me to say it!...
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I agree totally with LoloKoKo22. My mom is the same way and it is all a defensive instinct, She is trying to put out an image that she is in control and capable, etc. I think she lashes out at me sometimes because she knows I can see through it, whereas neighbors, people in the store just believe everything she says. It reminds me of when little kids stretch the truth to avoid getting found out. They truly think the adult will believe them and they even kind of believe it themselves.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

My heart goes out to you. Yes, I agree with all of the advice given to you. She should be in a nursing home. It's the best thing for her and you. Maybe then your sister will come visit. Your brother may show up for more often. Write them off as far as helping to care for your Mom at home. I, too am going through this with my Mom and Dad. They are alcoholics. Long story short, the nursing home dishcarged my Mom home to my Dad knowing full well that he was recently hospitalized for Cirrhosis. I have POA for both. She's yelling at me everyday that I made a "mess" of things, etc. She's going to a lawyer today to have my POA revoked. Hopefully she will take with her the expense/reimbursement report I sent. She probably doesn't understand how to read it, but a lawyer will. I have POA for both of them. Hopefully my Dad will keep his promise and not revoke his. In the end, she still owes me $11.75! I'm not asking for it obviously! I'm an emotional wreck. Protect your emotions, but get the business things taken care of. Glad you have been made Guardian. My Dad is not caring for her. She's probably not letting him. But at least home nurse comes and will for another 6 weeks. PT comes also. It's so much involved when we become the parents. Best of luck to you. P.S. - I am concerned that they are drinking again. :-(
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I agree what what others have said about the nursing home being the best place for your mother. we are presently taking care of my mother in law whose is over 95 years old. If we do something that makes her mad she will tell us she is going to "Get us in Dutch" and then when her oldest daughter calls she will set there and tell all kinds of lies and laughs as she is dong it. after she hangs up the phone she tells us what we are going to be in trouble now. She goes out of her way to make it hard for my wife anything from messing her pants, to demanding we go out at 2 in the morning for something she thinks she has to have, We get no help from her other daughters for anything even though one lives about 5 minutes away. My concern is the lies getting us in trouble in some way.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Why she tell lies: She may really be telling lies, (or gross exaggerations) because it's what she thinks will get her what she wants. And with a brain that is not so sharp, she's just not very skillful at it anymore. She doesn't realize the falsehoods are obvious to you, so that's her story and she's sticking to it.

On the other hand, it can be confabulation, as was mentioned above. Confabulations are not really lies. In these cases, the memory impaired person is dealing with a little bit of info, but is missing some pieces of the puzzle. Their brain will fill in the blanks (with what is to them the most logical explanation of the situation.) The person is totally unaware of this. If you confront them with facts proving their thoughts false, it will only confuse her, and possibly anger here, because she totally believes what she thinks she knows.

Depending on her personality, you can try to tell her that her mind is playing tricks on her, but mostly that doesn't work. And mostly not worth the effort. For my mother it helped occasionally, when she was in a malleable mood, but mostly not.

Example; One holiday, I borrowed Mom's casserole dish, to make her recipe for broccoli-rice casserole. (She no longer cooked anything at that point). Well that casserole was prepared, and sitting on the counter in my kitchen, looking exactly as it always had when she used to make it. This was near the door, as she and my Dad arrived for Thanksgiving dinner .(Mom being slightly befuddled as usual) saw the casserole, picked it up, and carried, over to me, and said "Here. I made the Broccoli-Rice for dinner." ...She totally believed she made it. She recognized the dish, and her brain confabulated that since it was there, she must have made it (like she would have done years ago.) ...FWIW, I started to say that "Mom, I just set that there", but saw the totally confused look on her face, so quickly said, "nevermind" and switched to "Thanks Mom, for making the casserole.".........That was fine for that time, but lots of other times, her confabulations caused no end of difficulties.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.