Moving my Mom out of my home without POA agreement. Any advice? - AgingCare.com

Moving my Mom out of my home without POA agreement. Any advice?

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My parents moved into my house 10 years ago. My mother was diagnosed with dementia three years ago and my father passed away in January at age 91 after years of dialysis. The plan has always been for my mother to move to my sister's house after my father's death. My mother had a narcissistic personality before the dementia and I knew caring for her alone would be difficult. When I approached my sister a few weeks ago about the timing for the move I was surprised to have both of my sisters attacked me as being uncaring and ungrateful. I suspect the reaction is a result of the notarized statement my father drew up prior to his death stating all financial support and improvements to my home over the last 10 years are not to be considered part of his estate and are acknowledgment of my role as his caregiver.

My mother's dementia is getting worse, I work full time, and I know that I am no longer able to care for her. I am totally burned out. Since my sister no longer plans to have her move to her home I let both of my sisters know that it is time for my mother to move into assisted living. This was not well received and it was suggested that I arrange counseling for my mother and myself so we can work out our differences.

My question - my sister has the power of attorney and medical power of attorney. If she will not agree to moving my mother into a facility what do I do? I have found a place that she can afford just 15 minutes from my home but both of my sisters say it is too far away from the rest of the family (1-2 hours round trip). They want to put off the move as long as possible and feel I just need an attitude adjustment.

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It sounds like you have done your part and have done it very, very well. You certainly deserved all the home improvements, etc. for caring for your mom and dad. I care for both my mother and mother-in-law, (who have dementia and other health problems) in my home and truly know how difficult it is. Maybe you should seek the advice of an eldercare attorney? Mine was very expensive, but I made sure everything was in a legal document. My sister and I are co-POA's which cause problems with banking. My other sister is my mom's medical power of attorney and she lives in Colorado. She never attends my mom's doctor visits, since we live in New Jersey. It sounds like your sisters want to find any excuse to not put your mom into a facility, yet they don't want to take her in and care for her themselves. You need enough. Maybe you should see your own medical doctor and tell him to write a letter stating that you are no longer mentally or physically able to care for your mom; therefore, she should be placed in assisted living. I think that would hold up in any court of law.
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SeekingSerenity, then tell the sister who has the POA that since she feels she needs to be at all the doctor appointments, that she is now in full charge of the caregiving for Mom. You will have Mom's things packed for her to pickup next weekend.

As for medical Power of Attorney, for my own parents I can only use it if and when either of my parents is unable to give their own consent when it comes to medical issues. There is nothing in the POA that says I need to drive them to the doctor and sit in on the appointment. I do it because I want to know what is going on health wise, as Dad gets bored in the doctor's office thus won't listen and my Mom is also deaf, and later after the appointment I hear them talking about the doctor appointment and wonder if all 3 of us were sitting in the same office :P
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My sister with the medical power of attorney has recently taken over all doctor's appointments - within the last month. She informed me that with the medical power of attorney she is required to be present at all doctor's appointments. She plans to change from my mother's primary doctor to a new one closer to her house and take her in for a complete physical and evaluation. Maybe I should take my mother to her original doctor for a physical myself, without my sister, and ask for the letter? I've never heard that a medical power of attorney is required to attend all doctor visits.
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The idea that your mom with dementia could benefit from counseling is laughable. Tell your sister that.

Agree with FF. Let the doctor explain this to your sister. And just to remind you...since you're not POA, you are not under obligation to continue to care for mom. If she needs to be hospitalized, you give them your sister's name and tell them that YOU are no long responsible.
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Easy way to work this out. Since you had been caring for both your parents, that means you were taking your Mom to her doctor appointments, correct? Have the doctor call or write your sisters with his/her recommendation that Mom be placed in a continuing care facility as soon as possible, setting a deadline. Sooner meaning that while Mom is still able to make new friends with the residents, the Staff, enjoy meals in the dining room, and take part of the activities.
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