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Today is the day that I feel like all I do is go around in circles with my momma. My sister is mental and of course I hear all about it and everybody else problems, finances, issues, marriage, living arrangements and you got it. What she likes to do is vent, b&%$@# and use you as a whipping post, but if you try to resolve the problem or help it is like you are going no where. One conversation she will be upset about sister and she is going to do this and this about it and then the next conversation she says well I am too old to do that. Of course she has dumped on you and she feels better now. So how do you feel? Same thing about brother's finances. We have talked to momma many many times about what he needs to do now before he receives an inheritance and it is like we go around around around around. She did the same thing to my dad, but since he is gone now - she uses me. If I speak up and say that I don't want to here about it - she lashes out at me with little remarks that I am catching and then I just remark back. I am her primary caregiver. I do not get any help from mental sister and very little from brother. I hired the housekeeper to help for two more hours every week and she is not working out either. Just like the rest of them. She has her hand out all the time for money. Has made comments about family and momma's finances to me that I did not appreciate, but momma likes her because she can vent, b&^%$#@ and use her as a whipping post and the housekeeper takes it - I don't. When I tried to talk to momma about why we have the housekeeper for two extra hours - she does not get it. She would rather go right back into her bed - after she poo poo in it after she told me that she was capable of changing her own sheets - while I guess not. She then told me that she was the one that called her doctor for a half refill on her prescriptions because she did not have enough until her next doctor's apt. and would not listen when I told her that I was the one that called. So the next time she calls me and wants to vent, b87&^%%$ and use me as a whipping post - what do I do? Hang up on her? Give the phone to my husband and let him hear it? Change the subject - does not work - tried that - she goes right back where she left off. Tell her again and just let her lash out at me again and again. I feel like that I am slowly being chipped away.

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One call a day. After that, let the answering machine pick it up. Save your sanity by moving her to a Nursing Home. It really is time for that.
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Hi - sounds like your Mom and mine have a similar idea of what children are for, you must be so frustrated. pamsteg made a good observation; no one willingly has bowel movements in bed. Also, if you're not making some 'you' time to go to counseling, it would be important to start. Not only to learn strategies for 'those' phonecalls, but you're going to need some help to work through what you're feeling at the same time as deciding what steps to take in your mother's care. Sending you well wishes.
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Bad attention, is still attention. Sound like she is beyond you caring for her, sometimes they "lie" to hide the fact that they can't remember. YOU complain about caregivers wanting money, when you should be glad they show up at all. Sounds like your family has been disfunctional for years, this is a symptom, not a cause. Best of luck, Old age and dementia are incurable, and just get worse and worse. Best of Luck!
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down right lies... probably not

Confabulate. We
make..verbal statements and/or actions that inaccurately describe
history, background and present situations

Confabulating is distinct from lying because first there is no
intent to deceive, second the person being unaware that the
information is blatantly false. Confabulating can be coherent,
internally consistent, and reasonable...despite clearly contradicting
evidence.

try to accept the mind is damaqed by Alzheimer's Disease. Forget
about rational responses. we can run ourselve ragged trying to
rationalize the irrational behaviors
Easy to say, impossible to live with ..

Seek help for yourself

Elder Affairs Attorney who know Alzheimer's

Social Worker or shrink
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It sounds as if your mother has always had this type of personality but it could be made worse by dementia. Either way, unless she will allow a doctor to help you likely can't do much to change things.

You do have to set limits. As Pam said, let her vent once a day and then say that you will be unavailable until the next day. If you have caller ID you could avoid calls however you don't want to miss a true emergency so you may need to answer but politely say you can't listen any more today and then hang up. Avoid yelling or being drawn into a fight. That will just hurt you.


If she has dementia, the lying is more from memory issues than real lying (confabulating is one word as Dave suggested). Even then, you don't have to let her completely control you. Trained in-home caregivers will let her complain without taking it emotionally since they aren't part of the family dynamic. Yes they do charge a lot, but often it's worth it.

Do what you can but don't let guilt destroy you.
Carol
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I know its hard but try to keep in mind that as they lose their control over their lives, their finances, their bodies, their memories, they are frightened. They get angry, they demand attention to verify for themselves that they still matter, and they invent stories to fill in the memory gaps because they sense that they are not "all right". Ultimately you are dealing with fear, so the lies and lashing out are a symptom of that. My mom did the same thing because she was embarrassed and scared that she could no longer remember key events in her own life.
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To me the answer is simple, time for her to go to assisted living or nursing home.
Realize she is your Mom, but the best you can do for her and you and YOUR own immediate family is get her help. Trust me, it will be the best for all of you. She will be put on the right meds for her and she will be more pleasant to be around. You can visit with her, take her out for outings and then bring her back. All is good. Been there twice. Good luck to you!
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All of us here have been where you are now...try not to take it personally..(it's hard at the beginning...but you'll adjust) Changing the subject is a plus..also remember what she says, believes, etc...it truth to her..no matter what you tell her....what she says is what SHE knows for fact...NOTHING you say will change her mind...don't even try because you'll be the one frustrated to no end!!! Ask doctor for anti-anxiety meds...worked wonders for Mom...she's 'human' again...and a sheer pleasure to be around...like before this monster hit..I could and should write a book on the hurtful things she's said about me (her only caregiver) with a brother who visits maybe monthly or less and a sister who we haven't seen or heard of in over 30 years...so I'm it...I recently became her guardian which means I now control her finances...she was not happy in addition to what the disease has done to her so I heard it all and Mom even called family members telling them I've stolen everything from her...She was soooo mean one day..I finally said "What have you done with my Mother...who are you?? My Mother would never say those mean things to me"..I told her I'm not going away...I'll always be here for you.....it made her stop and think...for only a minute but it felt good to me to say it!...
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I agree totally with LoloKoKo22. My mom is the same way and it is all a defensive instinct, She is trying to put out an image that she is in control and capable, etc. I think she lashes out at me sometimes because she knows I can see through it, whereas neighbors, people in the store just believe everything she says. It reminds me of when little kids stretch the truth to avoid getting found out. They truly think the adult will believe them and they even kind of believe it themselves.
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My heart goes out to you. Yes, I agree with all of the advice given to you. She should be in a nursing home. It's the best thing for her and you. Maybe then your sister will come visit. Your brother may show up for more often. Write them off as far as helping to care for your Mom at home. I, too am going through this with my Mom and Dad. They are alcoholics. Long story short, the nursing home dishcarged my Mom home to my Dad knowing full well that he was recently hospitalized for Cirrhosis. I have POA for both. She's yelling at me everyday that I made a "mess" of things, etc. She's going to a lawyer today to have my POA revoked. Hopefully she will take with her the expense/reimbursement report I sent. She probably doesn't understand how to read it, but a lawyer will. I have POA for both of them. Hopefully my Dad will keep his promise and not revoke his. In the end, she still owes me $11.75! I'm not asking for it obviously! I'm an emotional wreck. Protect your emotions, but get the business things taken care of. Glad you have been made Guardian. My Dad is not caring for her. She's probably not letting him. But at least home nurse comes and will for another 6 weeks. PT comes also. It's so much involved when we become the parents. Best of luck to you. P.S. - I am concerned that they are drinking again. :-(
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I have now learned my lesson to proof read prior to hitting Post Comment.
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I agree what what others have said about the nursing home being the best place for your mother. we are presently taking care of my mother in law whose is over 95 years old. If we do something that makes her mad she will tell us she is going to "Get us in Dutch" and then when her oldest daughter calls she will set there and tell all kinds of lies and laughs as she is dong it. after she hangs up the phone she tells us what we are going to be in trouble now. She goes out of her way to make it hard for my wife anything from messing her pants, to demanding we go out at 2 in the morning for something she thinks she has to have, We get no help from her other daughters for anything even though one lives about 5 minutes away. My concern is the lies getting us in trouble in some way.
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My mom has lied constantly throughout my life. My siblings have believed everything she told them about me while I have learned to "let it go". When I find mom telling lies again I "redirect" her to other positive thoughts. It seems to work for now. Of 4 children I am her only caregiver because she has hurt each one of us throughout our lives. When she says something that I know is false I go along for the ride. This has saved my sanity. I'm doing my best to keep her in her own home as long as possible but the money won't last forever. Just "go with the flow" and if it gets too bad with the lies, redirect her thoughts to other things. If you try this, you will feel much better about the situation. Correcting her lies won't change a thing. She may even decide not to "trust" you because you are always correcting her. Just let it go. Not easy to do but I have found I have more joy in my life by doing this.
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Why she tell lies: She may really be telling lies, (or gross exaggerations) because it's what she thinks will get her what she wants. And with a brain that is not so sharp, she's just not very skillful at it anymore. She doesn't realize the falsehoods are obvious to you, so that's her story and she's sticking to it.

On the other hand, it can be confabulation, as was mentioned above. Confabulations are not really lies. In these cases, the memory impaired person is dealing with a little bit of info, but is missing some pieces of the puzzle. Their brain will fill in the blanks (with what is to them the most logical explanation of the situation.) The person is totally unaware of this. If you confront them with facts proving their thoughts false, it will only confuse her, and possibly anger here, because she totally believes what she thinks she knows.

Depending on her personality, you can try to tell her that her mind is playing tricks on her, but mostly that doesn't work. And mostly not worth the effort. For my mother it helped occasionally, when she was in a malleable mood, but mostly not.

Example; One holiday, I borrowed Mom's casserole dish, to make her recipe for broccoli-rice casserole. (She no longer cooked anything at that point). Well that casserole was prepared, and sitting on the counter in my kitchen, looking exactly as it always had when she used to make it. This was near the door, as she and my Dad arrived for Thanksgiving dinner .(Mom being slightly befuddled as usual) saw the casserole, picked it up, and carried, over to me, and said "Here. I made the Broccoli-Rice for dinner." ...She totally believed she made it. She recognized the dish, and her brain confabulated that since it was there, she must have made it (like she would have done years ago.) ...FWIW, I started to say that "Mom, I just set that there", but saw the totally confused look on her face, so quickly said, "nevermind" and switched to "Thanks Mom, for making the casserole.".........That was fine for that time, but lots of other times, her confabulations caused no end of difficulties.
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So, GettingGold, why are you doing this? Get her to a nursing home, or arrange for her to travel to and stay with EldestDaughter.
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Because my wife believes that it is her responsibility to take care of her mother. If I had my way she would be in the nursing home, My wife and I have not had a week-end to ourselves in over 10 years. We can not even go to the store with out her mother raising all kinds of hello. She is mean all of the time till she sees the doctor and from what my wife tells she pretends there is nothing wrong with anything till, she is back at the house. Her oldest daughter will not take care of mother and can come up with a lot of reasons on why she can't take care of her mother. It started with I have to work at the church mind you she is 75 and works in the day care, then she says that her mother is to much work and I just don't have the time to do it.
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Please pay attention to me and really hear me! YOU are important, amazing, wonderful giving, loving and caring and may never hear this from anyone so I am asking you to say this to yourself! No matter what is going on in the rest of the world, you are going to have to see your Momma as you would a stranger. You need to care for you and the only way to do this is to stop being emotionally involved. The only way to achieve this is to love your Momma as you do and you will be able to see her differently and love her more if you stop being the Whipping post and treat her as though she were a neighbor from down the street and see her as a human being who needs to vent, you need to stop taking it in! It is not easier said than done, once you really see how amazing it feels to love your Momma yet disconnect from the abuse you will love every moment with her and in a different way. All done in Love and concern with care and concern for you both.
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BOUNDARIES! Get some and stay inside them.

Mom, I love talking to you, but I can't stay on the phone when you get all worked up. Let's talk another time when you're calmer. I love you. Hang up.

Educate yourself about dementia. This is the ONLY thing you can do to understand what you are seeing now, and what you will start to see. Look up Teepa Snow on Youtube, and watch her videos. It's very easy to understand for us non-medical folks. This one thing right here literally saved my sanity with my mother.

Dementia in a person who was always difficult (or worse) is not fun. It is very, very trying, so arm yourself with knowledge and boundaries to get through this.
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Mum has vascular dementia since she was diagnosed we have learnt she has been seen on several occasions by mental health stretching back to when she was 12 years old. Mum has told lies all her life and my sister and I have known that. The dementia has polarised that and she tells whoppers but unlike before is not as good at covering them up. My husband thinks this kicks in at it's worst when she really wants things to be how she imagines. We just agree and let it go It's hard sometimes especially when it is us as a family that run everything. I think it is such an awful illness I can excuse the lies, most of the time.
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All these suggestions are easier said than done. When I was taking care of my mom after her mini strokes people told me don't answer the phone, but you have to hey it at some point or deal with whatever so you might as well do it and get it over with before thi gs pile up.
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You don't say what her illness is other than 'age'. If she does NOT have dementia, I'm going to presume she's done this her entire life? Perhaps she has her own set of psychiatric problems.

If you are caring for her, you need to tell her up front to stop. Tell her you're not going to listen to it anymore. Then don't.

If she's NOT living with you, and if she understands, i.e., she's not in the throes of dementia/alzheimer's, the one phone call per day is a good idea, with the rest of the phone calls being accepted by your voice mail/answering machine. Tell her that if she has an emergency, she needs to call 911 after that first phone call. Then stick with it.

As for your 'mental' sister. I don't understand what you mean by 'mental'. Perhaps you could explain further. Is she suffering from some sort of psychiatric problem? If so, she needs to see a psychiatrist, not talk to your mother about her problems. Does this sister live with your mother?

This happens when people allow it to happen. Yes, we are the 'children' but we are 'adult children' and they are now depending on us. If they don't want to depend on us, then they have no right to make us feel small. Don't allow it.
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@Loreann - you say all the suggestions are easier said than done. I disagree. I've done it. And I'd do it again. Dementia patients aren't thinking clearly. Hopefully, the caregivers are.

The best thing I've done since caring for my mother was to keep her in the nursing home once her rehab was over. In seeing others, in watching the CNS's and the list goes on, I've seen how they care for the patients. They are getting paid to do this and they do it well. They don't take them seriously and neither should we. The brain is a mysterious organ and once it breaks down, it's impossible.

This is their 'time'. At some point, we will have our time. And in seeing how the nursing homes today actual work I'm actually not afraid of them anymore.

Caregivers need to remove themselves from what 'was' into what now 'is'. If you don't do this, your health wanes, your marriage undergoes severe stress, families are left to care for themselves, while the person we're caring for doesn't even know what's going on. I believe that if they could, they would put into words to get on with our lives. Nursing homes are filled with activities today.

So, yes, I firmly believe you need to remove yourself before this removes you. I visit my mom when activities are ongoing. This Saturday, we played Bingo together. I could have had Easter Dinner with her, but I opted out. Next week, I'll go when they have music. Once these activities are over, I bring her out for a walk around the grounds, I bring her back to her room or we visit with one of her new found 'friends'. Then I say, talk to you later, kiss her good bye, and leave, knowing she's fed, helped in getting ready for bed, etc. She has access to a phone. The grandchildren call. She's happy. I truly believe she is happy.

She will never be the person I remember. I've accepted that and I've moved on.
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I don't have this problem but I know people who do. The parent always picks on the one who is willing to care for them. The other children are Saints even though they have nothing to do with the parent. Like it's been said, tell her you are going to listen to her complain anymore. Tell her you've already heard it over and over and it's getting old, in a nice way. :) I TG that we didn't have my MIL because she knew how to manipulate her sons. And she lied to get out of things she didn't want to do.
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Good grief, gettingold. Sounds like your MIL needs to be in a nursing home! She sends you out at 2 in the morning, and you go???? You need to set some boundaries, me thinks.... and be the authority in your own home. She is an abusive person and it will wear you down to nothing. She either needs meds or the nursing home if she's not going to change. Or you need to be able to say no to her for unreasonable requests!
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Yes - we believe that momma has dementia. My husband and I went to see my uncle to confirm and he said that he observed it too. My sister has bi-polar, OCD and is schizophrenia. She goes to a psychiatrist just to pick up her meds. Does not talk to him and she is using drugs. She whines and tells momma her problems. My brother is also using drugs. He tells momma his financial problems. Momma feels sorry for them and gives them money. Sister does not live with momma, but wants too. We are trying to prevent that. So there is a co-dependcy issue going on. Been going on for years. When dad was with us - momma had him to vent, *&&^^%$$ and use as a whipping post. Now she uses me. I only call her once a week and really don't want to do that sometimes. I have told her more than once that I don't want to hear about everybodys problems that she needs to go talk to them about it. Does not do any good. I try to change the subject - does not work. I try to help with problem - nobody wants to do anything about it. So momma lashes out at me saying "I have learned about you a lot over the last six months since you have been coming over here" in a very mean way. She will say that I am not compassion. I don't "like" my brother and sister. "You get to "know" people". At first I wouldn't say anything back to her, but now I do and she backs down.
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Aka, just so you know, psychiatrists don't generally do talk therapy, they prescribe, so your sister going just to pick up prescriptions, that's legit. Taking illegal drugs is not.

When you call your mom, say hi, put the phone on speaker and say un-American a lot. It works. Stay on 5 minutes max.
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Say "uhhuh" alot.
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Bablou, You spell checker typo made me laugh out loud. (Thanks I needed that.) Heck, who knows, saying "un-American" alot might work too. LOL
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Indeed, it might! She might hang up!
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Start reading up on all vitamin deffeciancy for the brain. And get her to take some B12 & others B's etc. It might help some. Say there new meds from the doctor.
Aging is the diesiease. Sorry about the bad spelling.
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