Why do the elderly not want to be part of the holidays? Does anyone else have this issue?

My 90 yo step father, is almost deaf, lots of people talking at the same time really confuse him. Also, holidays mean nothing to him. I went over to the home and had dinner with him & wife in the dining room, was just perfect. Then they went back to their apartment and went to bed. I see no need to force anything on them, and
as a side note, I am 72 and don't care for all the hoopla either.

You can enjoy your holidays, just let her be, if she wants to join the festivities she will, if not, that is ok too.

I’m the family weirdo and have been since birth. I am now old.
I am thrilled that people around me have expectations that are different from mine, and my husband, who is the BEST HUMAN BEING I’ve ever known, is much more “conventional” than I, and what I do to be “nice” “sociable” “pleasant” are totally based on pleasing him, and no other motivation.
If you KNOW how your mom is going to react Karol9766, why does it bother you whether she’s talking to you or not?
You’re not her social director.
You’re not her psychologist.
You’re not her therapy pet.
If YOU wish to celebrate a holiday in YOUR WAY, DO THAT. Her reaction to her choices is HERS, NOT YOURS.

So please CHOOSE to enjoy a lovely cozy, friendly, jolly Christmas or Chanukah or whatever your next family holiday gathering is, and enjoy choosing to not worry about Mom’s reaction to it.

On the Monday before Thanksgiving, my mother who lives in Memory Care started making up her usual list of 'being sick' excuses as to why she didn't think she'd be able to join her family this year. On Monday her legs were killing her, on Tuesday she had SUCH horrible heartburn, on Wednesday she had diarrhea, her legs were killing her AND she hadn't slept a wink the night before. So obviously she was 'unable' to attend the festivities, it wasn't that she didn't WANT to, she just 'wasn't able.' Mind you, on Monday I TOLD her she didn't need to worry about coming with us, it was perfectly fine if she wasn't able, but no.........she had to have The Medical Excuses she needed so it wouldn't be Her Fault that she Couldn't Go. Know what I mean?

Anyway, when I called her on Thanksgiving evening, she was in a FOUL mood, laying the guilt on THICK! Saying she had a HORRRRRRRRRRRIBLE day because she was ALL ALONE LIKE A DOG just her and one other poor soul in the place. I said, "Gee mom, that's unfortunate and I'm sorry you had such a bad day." I proceeded to get OFF the phone as soon as I was able and that was that.

They can trot out all the games they care to, but remember, it takes TWO to play. Don't engage in the BS.

We went over there to visit yesterday & she was perfectly FINE, by the way. Even told us all about the skimpy dessert they had the nerve to serve her for Thanksgiving and how she had to ask for a SECOND slice of pie. Good thing all that heartburn and diarrhea cleared up so quickly, huh? :)

Mom obviously thinks that she rules your roost. Unless she was not feeling well, she should have been told that if she wanted a meal, she needed to come to the table to eat with her family. By bringing her meal to her, you encouraged her rude behavior. Go ahead and enjoy Christmas despite your mother’s childish demands. You are not her servant. Don’t act like one.

Your mom lives with you?
I think we will all just be guessing because we don't know your normal dynamics or personalities, but I agree with Tothill that sometimes the noise, crowded spaces and general business of a room full of people can be too much for older folks, if she has hearing loss, visual impairments any or degree of dementia that will be compounded tenfold.

My father exhibited similar behavior in his journey down the vascular dementia road. My father really enjoyed the 50th Wedding Anniversary Dinner and Reception I hosted at a local hotel (about 60 family members for dinner buffet and more than 200 came to the reception, including a lot of Dad's work and club friends) so I also hosted extended family 80th birthday pot luck dinner parties for each of my parents in my home. For my father's party, my cousin brought Dad's older sister who he hadn't seen in a couple of years. Because of the drive, they had arrived a little early so my parents came down shortly after my aunt and cousin arrived. Dad came to my house, sat down beside his sister, spoke to her son for a couple of minutes and left because the food wasn't ready to serve yet and he just couldn't wait. Later Dad's cousins called him on the phone to try to get him to come back (parents lived across the street) and then sang happy birthday to him over the phone. Dad later told me I had only put on the party to show off my new house. He completely refused to attend my mother's party 19 months later, stating he didn't want to see all her family even after I pointed out several members of his family were coming too.

My father's vascular dementia never caused any major memory problems (one common early sign in most dementia); have you consider your mother might have some cognitive issues that are contributing to her behavior?

It can be confusing with all the extra people, the noise, the trying to keep up with conversations and more. Sometimes it is easier to stay in a quiet space away from the big event.

But it can also be lonely and your Mum realized that her decision had consequences that she was not prepared for. Let her pout, she may or may not come around. Just like with a child, ignore the bad behaviour.

when you get old you have a right to be weird .

im in a bit of a jam at work because i didnt stuff down a big holiday meal with coworkers . i sat and had coffee and chatted with several people . i dont think mr bigly will fire me over it but he might fire me for telling him to go fk himself when he refuses to give it a rest .

For some people the holidays are just another day. My dad grew up very poor. At most he only received an orange as a gift. If they got something extra like a whistle they got a spanking for blowing it.

So daddy wasn’t crazy about the holidays. He wasn’t a Scrooge though. He went along with others celebrating the holidays.

Does she have bad memories of holidays? If so, maybe she would just rather ignore them. Lots of people are glad when the holidays are over.

It may be of memories of happy Christmases with a past spouse, who may not be around as of now. The memories of past, happy Christmases may be too painful for the surviving spouse to bear.