How do I separate myself from my mother and have my own life?

It will actually help both you and your mom if you move out. She needs to find her life and her independence. If she is disabled, she will grow stronger if pushed to go on her own.

Realize that you are the one who has been keeping yourself there, not your mom. You are the only one who can fix this. If you don’t move out, things will get worse for both of you (you will both become more co-dependent). If you don’t move out, you might compromise or even jeopardize your happiness and your future, both socially and economically. Thank your mom for giving you a place to live and for not forcing you to move earlier. Don’t blame her for helping you—take action —for yourself.

The easiest way to separate may be going to school. At a minimum, consider taking some classes. If you live on a campus, you will find a wonderful new world, just for you! Don’t live at home to save money. Look into this today! Financial help is available. You can often even get a job at the school to offset costs.

Consider studying accounting, textiles, design, marketing or visual arts as these will all bolster your fashion vision and your future. A diploma will bolster your career and your confidence.

If you don’t choose to go to school, do not hesitate to move out. You say you are “working to move out.”

If if you aren’t working, get a job today. It doesn’t have to be your dream job. Just make that first step. Don’t procrastinate.

Saving? Just move out! All you need is one months’ rent and a deposit. If you hace that, you could get a place today and move tomorrow. Do it! Don’t put this off another day.

Your mom loves having you around. That is a testament to who you are. If she is mentally healthy, she will also love watching you succeed.

You you need to start this process immediately. Don’t be scared. Don’t wait. Don’t look back. This is in your hands completely. This will be scarier if you wait ten years.

Wishing you great success!!

What is your mom's challenge that she needs you to help her all the time? You are not responsible for your mom's happiness. Take it from me, an only child to a single mom. She actually wanted to rent a place with me while I was in college. Thank goodness I said no. Your mom is an adult and has had plenty of time to learn how to be her own person as much as possible. If she didn't do this, that's on her. Make a confident and gracious exit on good a terms as possible but do not feel guilty no matter what.

It's good that you're doing something about this now and not waiting until you're 50! If your mom sabotages your plans or undermines your confidence, even subtly, I wouldn't confide any hopes and wishes to her. Instead, tell her after you've got your job and place to live. Meanwhile you can help her find new ways to get by on her own. Let her be as upset as she wants and don't cave in to fear, obligation or guilt. She's supposed to encourage, not oppress you.

It would be helpful to find a good counselor to guide and support you through this transition--even one session a month would help. Be sure to hang on to your friends, too.

Good luck--I hope you update us on your progress!

You say that you love your mother very much, but in truth you have not described a person who is in ANY way lovable. What you have described is a person who has isolated you and has treated you more like her own chore-maid. A person who holds her displeasure over you as a constant threat. A person who knows how to manipulate your fear by threatening a withdrawal of love if you displease her. You have stayed on doing this saying it is because you love her, but the truth is that whatever unhealthy relationship has been developed here by your mother has made you dependent on her, and has stunted normal growth. You do not say if you are working; I think that you may not be. So that moving out actually means simply doing at 25 what most do a bit earlier. Step one is a job, and step two finding your own housing. You get a job and then you move out. This whole thing going on sounds to have nothing to do with love. A loving parent attempts to teach a child to be independent and able to function on his/her own, because that is what life will require of that child when grown. What in the world would make you think that it is "mean" to say to your Mom "Love you so much Mom, but time I fly the nest, get my own job and take care of myself. See you on the weekend". Any Mom who doesn't encourage her birds to fly the nest is doing them a severe injury, and honestly is not deserving of love. Any Mom who would "despise" a child for having his or her own life is quite ill indeed. I wish you the best, but do understand that you are doing your Mom no favor by fearing her instead of respecting her, nor any favor to yourself. Wishing you good luck. I think you are ready to find your wings, and have a good life.

Slavery was made illegal long ago! Your mom is treating you like a slave. She's got you captive with what many call the F.O.G., i.e., Fear, Obligation and Guilt. She is likely not going to change, but you can stop being her emotional dance partner. That will anger her and that's ok. What you want to do is normal for someone your age and part of being a good parent is raising the child so that they are ready to launch out on their own when they get older. That's life!

If it is possible, I would leave that emotionally abusive environment and build your own life. It is really hard to do so when you go back to the old environment. Do you have any really good friends or safe relatives that you could go stay with while you build your new life. Leave and don't look back.

It is ok for you to have your own life. Share your plans with her and tell when you are moving into your own place. It sounds like she can care for herself. Some people have tendancies to let others do for them as long as they will do it. Give her a deadline and she will have to take care of her needs. You deserve your own life.

Best wishes!

Start taking steps to move out. You don't say if you work or not, but, if you do, save up to get your own apartment or share one with roommates. If you are not employed, get a job. You are only stuck if you don't do anything, and, that will be your choice. This sounds like a codependent relationship as you are doing for her what she can do for herself. I suggest that you read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, it is a good start.