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I was called away for 2 months on assignment at a COVID-19 centre. Although the complete isolation was terrible at times, it was a nice break from constant caregiving. Finally my brothers had to find a way to make time for my parents.


I've been out a month now, and my parents have gone back into their habit of codependence. When I get time off, I usually spend the day with them.


Today, I decided to use my day off to go searching for wedding related material...you know...IE doing something FOR MYSELF.


A few minutes ago my dad calls me asking why didn't i call this morning...so I told him, I've busy...and he then begins lamenting that he was waiting on my visit this morning, because he finished his last tablet of his medication, and he doesn't want to always ask my older brother.


For the record, my father does NOT have dementia nor is he disabled, he is a perfectly able man who can drive to the pharmacy himself.


(1) if they were able to get their medications for 2 months without me, how come its so impossible to do ,now that I'm back.


(2) they start back their codependence which I hate....assuming that I have nothing else to do with my free time.


(3) I have visited my parents multiple times in the last month, and have warned Dad more than once, not to wait until their medication is on its last day to call me...assuming that I am free.


(4) every free day I have had, I visited my parents' and spent the whole day...the one day I decided to go do something for myself....its a problem ? And emergency ?

I agree its laziness and I bet Mom did everything before her illness. I bet he thinks its a woman's responsibility. (My Dad was like this) I may say to him "Dad you did OK while I was away. If brother did it for you should be no problem in him continuing do it for you. Its just a matter of calling the Pharmacy and asking they refill your pills. Then when ready, u go pick up ". Unless he is hard of hearing like my DH, there is no reason he can't do this. This is a good time to set boundries. "Seems like you did well without me so this is what I am willing to do." If you don't do it now, he is going to depend on you more and more. I am 70 my DH is 73. Yes, I make calls for him because he is almost deaf. But he does his own laundry. Can wash sheets and towels. Still mows his grass. Golfs. Can get himself a bowl of cereal and make a Sandwich. I do the cooking which he appreciates. He vacuums and picks up after himself.

I have this problem right now. My daughter grew up with a boy who had challenges and mother who was a little out there. He is now 41 in a NH with his mother. He asked me a while back if I would bring him bottled tea. He was real good about making it last a couple of weeks. I paid for it because his PNA wasn't much. His Nursing home is about a 20 mile round trip. I live between 2 towns and the town he is in is further away. When he requests the tea, I tell him I will get it when I have the time. I then get messaged every day "how r you doing" until I get it to him. Then its about 2 wks when he starts up again. He messaged me yesterday after 3 months of lockdown and no messeages. I explained that I am still not going out much and when I do I pick a store I can do all my shopping at. His particular tea is at Walgreens which I have been in maybe 2x in 3 months. I guess he didn't read between the lines and sent me a "how are you doing today" while I was reading your post. Now, I have to be more blunt. He probably figures they are opening up the NHs here (outside visits only and masks) so I am willing to go back to delivering his tea. I do feel sorry for him, but he has been without it for 3 months. So, he doesn't really need it.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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I agree with the members who stated that your Dad needs to be evaluated for dementia / Alzheimer's. The beginning states are not obvious and can be mistaken for laziness or other traits.

I wish I had my Mom tested before her dementia became apparent.

Many are in "denial" because they can't deal with the fact that their LO's are declining in many different aspects.

I suggest being on the safe side and getting your Dad tested. Then you can call him lazy! :-)

Jenna
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Reply to JennaRose
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Set him up for automatic refills at his local pharmacy. That is easy to do. Not mail order, just his local pharmacy. Many pharmacies are providing delivery service these days as well.
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Reply to Shane1124
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I get that you should not have to be dealing with this, but if you are not going to tell dad to deal with it then I recommend putting a calendar notice that sends you an email at day 27 so that you can get the refills on day 28 and not be called to do crisis management all the time.

I would also not be spending all my free time with them, unfortunately you have trained them that you would just be there. So, you have to change the dynamics of your actions and hopefully they will all start learning that you are not going to jump because they beckoned you.

Grrrrrrr! Your brother needs to grow up and help or fledge and let them figure out how to get help besides you. He gives them a sense of independence that is not real.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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I see mention of auto refill...Please be careful if you do this.
I ..(totally with all my faculties, I think..) thought that it was a good thing to do, one less item on my to do list. My doctor changed one of my prescriptions on a visit. My auto refill came and they had not discontinued the first medications but sent the new one with it. I called and was told the doctor had not discontinued the first medication just prescribed the second, (for the same condition, just a different (more expensive) medication. And I was told the other medication could not be returned. I discontinued auto fill right away and once the new medication was gone I went back to the other less expensive one. SO I guess my point is make sure that there is not a duplication if the doctor changes medication I think this is one reason some people are over medicated.

Comment here on codependency...this takes 2 to participate. I think once they realize you're not going to "play the game" any longer it may stop or at least lessen. Maybe "give" them 1 day a week and that might help them, when they call on Monday and say can you...stop them right away and say whatever you need we can do on Wednesday, that is the day that I set aside to help you with your errands so whatever it is it has to wait.
And if you know they have a 30 day supply or a 90 day supply I would make a not of it on my calendar at least 1 week in advance so you can monitor it. That way if one or more need doctor approval prior to being filled the call can be made (on Wednesday) so that when you go to get them there will not be a problem. It is good to note when they are due to run out even if you do an auto fill. Sort of a sneaky way to monitor if they are taking all their meds correctly.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Sorry Dad, I am not available today. You will have to solve this yourself or ask brother to help you.

Full Stop.

My former MIL loved to play these sort of games. For her it ensured someone came for a visit. For me, working 6 days a week it was a PITA. Her sones were not interested in stepping up. Prescriptions and groceries.

I would be there one day, calling before I came over to ask if she needed anything, nope. The next day she was out of milk.

I got her RX’s moved up a pharmacy that does free local deliveries.

After her neighbour called me to give me hell because she needed groceries, I read her the riot act and signed her up for grocery delivery too. I had been to her house 3 of the last 7 days.
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Exveemon Jun 19, 2020
I'm really getting tired of this whole "if Exveemon doesn't remember, nobody else does.." nonsense.

It would be nice for a change if Bro#2 who LIVES WITH THEM, would call to say..."hey I noticed Dad's Rx running low in the next few days" ...then I would know at least someone else is paying attention. He managed to do it for 2 whole months whilst I was away on assignment.

Now that I'm around again, he suddenly forgot how to check ?
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Hi. For those who suggest maybe my Dad, is sliding into cognitive impairment. My dad drives, follows the news, is completely abreast with the whole BLM situation, is able to recall stories from his working days, actively gardens and uses youtube to teach himself backyard gardening.

I find it hard to think that a man capable of all of the above would be considered senile / demented.

Yes, I know that with age comes decline, but my dad is not at that stage yet. It is....laziness.

My older brother lives with my parents ,yet Dad will literally leave his medication until the last day, if it coincides with my day off-call, instead of just asking my older brother.
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JennaRose Jun 20, 2020
Hi again Exveemon,

My older brother (who passed away) said the same words you wrote about our Mom who was also able to drive, follow the news, garden, and even more. He was in denial that my Mom was in the beginning stages of dementia.

I noticed slight changes but didn't have my Mom evaluated, my fault. At that time I lived in another state and could only visit for a few days. Looking back I wish I did make plans to bring her to a doctor but I didn't.

Again, what do you have to lose by getting your Dad to a doctor just to be on the safe side? What if it was dementia?

If you had serious pain and someone said that you were making it up how would that make you feel? I'm sure you would make an app't with the right doctor for yourself to find out what was going on. Again, just to be on the safe side.
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see about signing up for repacked home delivery meds through a local company. my son who works at a pharmacy says clients complain about not getting mail order on time and if there is an issue it would take more time for client to get change of dose or missing items. there is a pharmacy in my area they have a few stores just locally here not a big chain. Walgreens did this for my sister when she lived in AZ-was great until we realized she could not even manage the individual packets. A friend that had been "helping" my sister keep an eye on meds refused to do what I told friend to do--get rid of all misc. pill bottles laying around everywhere in sis apartment. I was visiting sis one time and sis said something strange to me about pills before we left for the night. I wasn't sure what she was talking about because I knew she had the pill packs. I went over the next day very early and sis had put in to the pill assortment some of the random pills from the misc. bottles I found that day. She could have killed herself before I got there by over dosing BP meds and depression meds. I almost had a heart attack when I saw what she did. We signed up a home care company to do her pills 2X per day. It was pricey as I recall but was worth it for peace of mind when I went back home-out of state. Sis did not object to the person helping her-people I met helping out- before I left went home-were very nice and gentle with my sister. Pills were kept in a locked container-metal that only med lady had a key or the combo. so pills and my sister were safe.
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Reply to medicaidmaze20
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Exveemon, I giggled when I read your post question. IDK either and it drove me batty too. Your profile says your mom is only 70, with Parkinsons. Maybe your mother is totally justified in being somewhat dependent due to her illness. But your dad...how do you know he isn't experiencing cognitive issues himself? Has he been tested? Sometimes we continue to see our "same old parents" until something forces us to see them with different eyes. My husband's family and I were flabbergasted to discover just how bad my MIL's memory was. The SW said she had "apparent competency", which meant if you asked her general questions, she could give you a general answer which made her seem perfectly ok. But if you asked her who is the president or what season is it, she got it wrong. We had been interpreting her little foibles as a personality issue, rather than a possible cognitive/medical one. Decline and dementia is something one slides into. There's no clear line that is crossed. I'm just proposing that if your dad has not already had a real cognitive exam by an objective doctor, he should have one so you can know for sure what you're dealing with. It won't stay the same, it will only get more intense. I wish you and your brothers much wisdom and peace as you learn how to work with your parents!
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Reply to Geaton777
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Why do you say he doesn't have a cognitive impairment? This lack of ability to plan is so much a symptom of both MCI and dementia.

If you are convinced that he REALLY is just lazy, let him deal with it. It's not YOUR emergency; it's his.

But you need to talk to his doctor about a neuropsych evalaution.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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It’s probably because he’s come to depend on you yet again and hasn’t yet had to deal with the consequences of his....forgive me for saying this but his laziness. There’s no reason he can’t let you know when he’s down to his last 7 pills. You need to establish boundaries. If your dad is a competent adult, why can’t he refill his own prescriptions? Why are you visiting every day?
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Reply to worriedinCali
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