Do believe that parents act that way mandy48 when they feel that they are losing control of their own life. JessieBelle is correct about you starting a new question.
I have a mom who is quite disabled and who moved 1,000 miles away for better climate. None of our family lives there. I expressed to her before she left that I would not be able to visit her there. I am not rich and her apartment is too small to have a guest (filled with medical equipment and helpers coming and going all day). So now she is very angry because she is in pain and no one comes to visit her. It would cost me $1,000 (I cannot afford it) to spend a 2-3 night visit. She yells at me when I call. I am far from retirement, have no property or partner, and am just barely keeping it together. The commentator who spoke about boundaries is absolutely correct. It is nice to help others, but it is foolish to sacrifice one's own personal welfare to try to meet the needs of a parent who has a never ending need for attention. She has a lot of help down there, but no family. I am not a martyr and I am not going to sacrifice everything I have to look after her. She is so angry I can barely have a conversation with her anymore. I have always tried to call and be empathetic. I cannot afford to travel there. She is just angry because she thought her whole family would visit her regularly. That is not within the economic capabilities of our family members. I suggested to her that she would not see her family if she moved so far away. She said "no one comes to see me anyway". So now she tries to send everyone on a different kind of guilt trip. "My kids never visit because they are selfish". No - your kids never visit beacause you live too far away and they cannot afford the money/time to do this. I always suggest to aging parents - stay near to where your loved ones live. If you move - that's on you. She knew what she was doing but expected family members to come anyway. It's not happening and she is angry. Every time I call her she yells and cries. I cannot do anything about this anymore.
Its so tough with aging parents. And even when the parents live close some adult children just don't make the time or don't want to depending on their relationship with their mom and dad. It is hard when they start to get angry and grumpy. But like another poster said, if you think about it, who can blame them? Their health is declining, they could be suffering mentally or physically or both, their losing their friends and family members...it all takes a toll. I tried to be patient with my dad but it was hard after his stroke.
Dear kidnumber 2, Thank you for sharing your story with us. I know what you mean. We all do the best we can and sometimes we just can't win.
This topic is seven years old, with a few more recent comments.
I want to respond to "Why do aging parents become so hostile and angry?"
Not all of them do! My father mellowed as he aged. My mother was a sweetie all her life. As a widow, with mobility issues, after she developed dementia, while she was in the nursing home -- in her entire life she did not become hostile or angry.
My husband (who was father to several adults) had bouts of anger over his dementia, but not that he took out on others. I don't think any of our 5 kids would ask, "why did dad become angry and hostile as he aged?" He just didn't.
I know that anger and hostility is a reality for many, many people. I'm just here to attest that it isn't a universal condition; that it isn't everybody. There are some good explanations on this thread of why it often occurs.
Those of us who have not had to deal with it can count ourselves very lucky -- and be very sympathetic for those who experience it.
I expressed to her before she left that I would not be able to visit her there. I am not rich and her apartment is too small to have a guest (filled with medical equipment and helpers coming and going all day).
So now she is very angry because she is in pain and no one comes to visit her. It would cost me $1,000 (I cannot afford it) to spend a 2-3 night visit.
She yells at me when I call. I am far from retirement, have no property or partner, and am just barely keeping it together.
The commentator who spoke about boundaries is absolutely correct.
It is nice to help others, but it is foolish to sacrifice one's own personal welfare to try to meet the needs of a parent who has a never ending need for attention.
She has a lot of help down there, but no family. I am not a martyr and I am not going to sacrifice everything I have to look after her. She is so angry I can barely have a conversation with her anymore.
I have always tried to call and be empathetic. I cannot afford to travel there. She is just angry because she thought her whole family would visit her regularly. That is not within the economic capabilities of our family members. I suggested to her that she would not see her family if she moved so far away. She said "no one comes to see me anyway".
So now she tries to send everyone on a different kind of guilt trip. "My kids never visit because they are selfish".
No - your kids never visit beacause you live too far away and they cannot afford the money/time to do this.
I always suggest to aging parents - stay near to where your loved ones live. If you move - that's on you. She knew what she was doing but expected family members to come anyway.
It's not happening and she is angry.
Every time I call her she yells and cries.
I cannot do anything about this anymore.
Dear kidnumber 2, Thank you for sharing your story with us. I know what you mean. We all do the best we can and sometimes we just can't win.
I want to respond to "Why do aging parents become so hostile and angry?"
Not all of them do! My father mellowed as he aged. My mother was a sweetie all her life. As a widow, with mobility issues, after she developed dementia, while she was in the nursing home -- in her entire life she did not become hostile or angry.
My husband (who was father to several adults) had bouts of anger over his dementia, but not that he took out on others. I don't think any of our 5 kids would ask, "why did dad become angry and hostile as he aged?" He just didn't.
I know that anger and hostility is a reality for many, many people. I'm just here to attest that it isn't a universal condition; that it isn't everybody. There are some good explanations on this thread of why it often occurs.
Those of us who have not had to deal with it can count ourselves very lucky -- and be very sympathetic for those who experience it.