How do I handle my mom giving up on life?

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My 72-year-old mother has diabetes, Rheumatoid Arthritis and COPD, but they are all managed. She has lost all will to do anything for herself. Just here to vent a bit..After a recent fall, my mother went into the hospital- then to rehab. She's 72 and besides diabetes type 2, rheumatoid arthritis and copd..all managed..there isn't anything wrong with her- it's mostly in her head. My husband and I have lived with her and cared for her for the last three years. Our problem is that she has lost the will to do anything for herself. Rehab (at the hospital) has given up on her due to her lack of motivation, so we are now looking at nursing homes. Noone seems to be able to motivate her to get better. The Rehab nurses have stated that they KNOW she could do the things they are asking her to do, but she just won't try and I'm furious with her! In her current state, I can't take care of her in the home- she can't use the restroom on her own, can't get up out of bed on her own, etc. We are now having to hire an elderly lawyer to protect her assets to pay for a home. Has anyone gone through this???? Thanks!

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What happened to your mother? I am experiencing almost the exact same thing with my mother.
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It is hard for me to feel sorry for my mom, who at 87 is still in relatively okay health in a nursing home. She has two kids visiting and calling and grandsons who come to see her once in awhile. She seems to feel no desire to continue living. I suppose that is her right and choice but I feel she should value life and her family more. Am I wrong?
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gemini70, I think I'd stop enabling this kind of behavior in your mother. Does she have some other impairments, besides diabetes? Why does she suddenly need a co-eater? Did she never eat alone before she retired? Why doesn't she prepare most of her own meals? Eating together once in a while sounds nice. But every meal? And needing to eat exactly what she eats? Hey, that sounds unhealthy.

Don't let her use her diabetes to create a dependence. Unless she has dementia or some other impairment, it is her disease, her responsibility, and her choices. If she doesn't eat, she has consequences. You really cannot control her blood sugar for her. Don't let her use her disease to hold you hostage. Are you willing to play this role for the next 20 or 30 years? No? Then nip it in the bud right now.

(BTW, if you get yourself freed up from being Mom's constant meal companion, and you miss it, would you consider coming over and making all of my meals? I'm 67 and a type 2 diabetic. I take care of my husband who has dementia and, of course, I make all of our meals. But I'd be willing to play invalid if someone would cook for me!)
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im going through this too, dads health apparently went down hill almost 3 wks ago, now i cant get him up to eat, he does go P, and takes his meds, however he NEEDS to eat and drink.. he lays in bed all day says he doesnt feel good, his head hurts (lack of caffine hes use to), and he has a dr. appt tomorrow if i can get him up, dressed, etc. gonna ask about anit depressants, dunno if it will help him, but this is all exhausting.. has he given up? is he depressed? i dunno, hes 83.
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My mother is young - recently retired, 68 yrs. old, and has me waiting on her to cook for her. If I do not wait on her she most likely will not eat, and she is type 2 diabetic. I am the co-eater..(she doesn't like to eat alone)..so if I am not preparing and eating something she likes then she won't eat either. She will rarely prepare something for herself wich she is perfectly capable of doing. When she does cook, let's say a pot of soup..if I don't accompany her (I don't like soup) she will eat a bit, and store the rest in the refrigerator and if the next day I don't touch it she will throw the whole thing away. She has to be reminded to take a shower and when I tell her she needs to shower she says she's tired and she'll do it later or throw a tantrum. I am so sick and feel like I am losing my mind!!
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Been there with the doc visits. I've come to the conclusion with my mom that it's an "outing" and her "social interaction / visits". Part of her hypochondria / munchausen syndrome. My mom is 90, so get prepared for what may be a loooong battle.
You say yours goes to the Opthamol. and Retinol docs but refuses to get the surgery? Wow, talk about a goose chase.
My mom prefers young blonde doctors, and yanking my chain obviously. Just because they don't have dementia doesn't mean they aren't dillusional or deceived in their own twisted little minds. Who says an elder can't just be crazy??? Who is to say that all the sin in their lives doesn't catch up to them????
In any case it sure does make it h*ll for us.
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WE share your futile misery at our house too!
My mother is 84 with genetic depression, anxiety, spinal stenosis, COPD, rotator cuff disease in both shoulders, legally blind (refuses cataract surgery in both eyes), and recovering from a 12/2009 hip replacement. She has neither dementia, or alzheimer's, She's been living with us for 9 months. She lays in bed or sits in her chair to watch TV. She does not see any reason to rehabilitate because she has no reason to live. She does 3 daily activities: watches tv, goes to the bathroom, and feeds herself (finely chopped foods only). All other personal daily activities require my assistance, or our persona paid Health Aide's help, who works 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. M-F.
Mom is on 1 anti-depressant and 2 anti-anxiety medications as well as her COPD medication. She started PT three times a week, 2 weeks ago, her assessment was a total lack of conditioing body-over. Since she started she's been 3 of 6 times. She performs her "I don't know where I am...I don't know what I am supposed to do to change my clothes...I can't stand up" routines
Since she came home from rehab, I have taken her to her D.O./M.D. monthly, Nephrologist quarterly, Neurologist monthly, Orthopedist monthly, Pain Management M.D. monthly, and Opthamologist & Retinologist 3 x's.
They all agree: anxiety, each tries to tell her, of course, she plays confused,
The Health Aide saves my sanity in these summer months. When school starts for teachers in late August, she will take my place in the daytime home. I am still the oppressor to my mother, but at least there's someone objective to step in and try to get mom to participate in daily life. A Health Aide cost us $18.00/hour, many local agencies require a minimum number of hours...3 or 4, at least a half days work, to send someone to work.
Consider this or some other care giving assistance option.. .We revel in the immediate freedom, cram in a few hours of quality time, then dread the reality of the return home.
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It was llike my disabled husband suddenly decided tostop walking 2 months ago. He said he had a pain and was taken to A&E for xray. iIt was a week before being told there was no fracture, and in that time he developed a kidney infection. After 6 weeks he was ok and told he could go home, but still would not stand. He was moved to rehab,stayed 6 more weeks with very little help. We could see him just getting worse.He is now home having carers 4 times a day as I cannot manage him. Still won't move and has put off physio because he has gout in hands. I think he is frightened to try and get up, but the longer it goes on I fear it will be harder to ever get up. Until this happened he manage in his own way to get up, shower and dress. He was even driving to local shops. It was as though he was saying, "I'm not going to walk". I've been trying to get a psycholgist to talk to him, but nothing has yet materialised. I did feel alone with this problem, but having read other comments feel it is quite a common thing. Would love to know how everyone gets on.
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The problem is that they are not as clever as they think they are. It's sooooo transparent at times and they bust on themselves soooo blatantly.

That's why.......GODhelpus!!!!!!!!
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Wow! It's so nice to know that others have gone through this! I'm thinking of bringing her home just for the day and see how she does..If it's "wait on me hand and foot" then I'll move forward with the advanced assisted living placement. She HAS been diagnosed as being clinically depressed as well, and I'm just not sure what placing her in a room alone is going to do for her but make her worse. All she does is sit in her recliner and watch tv..She would benefit so much from interaction with others, but she has no will to do it at all. They don't want to release her home because they don't think she's safe at home alone. She did fall last night on the rehab floor trying to turn her bed down for the night. I just don't think she's as bad as she's playing to be, and I'm wondering if coming home for 8 hrs or so during the day will snap her out of it.

I remember one day in particular, after her original fall..she wanted to go to urgent care because her back was hurting, so I told her I'd take her when I got home. She was complaining that she couldn't do anything- the pain was just TOO Bad...when I got home half an hour later, she had her hair washed, was dressed completely and was ready to go!

unbelievable!
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