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I seem to be asking myself this quite often these days. I haven't come up with a satisfying answer yet.


Is it because its the right thing to do and I'm being a good daughter?


Is it because I made a promise to my mother that I would never put her in a home?


Is it because I don't need a life or don't think enough of myself?


Is it because I don't want to spend the family trust on getting extra help?


Then there is the B side


What if she lives to be in her 90's?


What will my life be like then?


Have I made the wrong choice and is there a compromise?


What about my relationship? Will he be still healthy enough to do things when this is done?


Will I still be healthy enough to do things when this is done?


What about how my life will be like 5-10 years from now?


Will I have enough money to live?


Will Social Security pay me enough to survive since i stopped working to take care of Mom?


What about me?


Do you ever ask yourselves these types of questions? If so, I would love to know I'm not the only one.


Please share your thoughts and comments. =0)

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Yes I probably ask myself almost all those questions. And on days I can tell myself I don't have the answers I am more at peace as opposed to thinking all the worst case scenarios could happen. I guess I hope for something in between representing the future.
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Reply to Riverdale
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What is the nature of this family trust?  If it was established by your father to take care of your mother, then that is exactly what it should be used for.
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Reply to AlfredR
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At the very least, spend the family trust on getting some in home care givers for your mother so you can have a life too. Please don't put your life on hold. Being a care giver means compromising some elements of your life; when taking care of a parent it shouldn't be about losing it altogether.

Please remember we have no promise of tomorrow. My uncle retired early because his wife was a few years older and had a health issue that threatened her life and mobility. They landscaped the backyard together, went on several bus and boat tours around the US and Canada, attended basketball tournaments and in general spent some quality time together. He was focused on doing this while she still could. One day the whites of my uncle eye's were tinted yellow; within a week we knew he had stage 4 pancreatic cancer; less than 2 months later he was dead at age 66. My aunt outlived him by 14 years.

What happens if your mother (like 30-40% of home care receiving patients) outlives you? Being depressed and stressed out compromises your own health and increases the likelihood of this outcome.

I promised my mother she could live with me as long as we could make that work but if the day ever comes when she needs 24/7 medical attention, then I would find a good NH and make sure she has good care. From your profile it sounds to me like your mother has reached the point I had in mind when I discussed NHs with my mother. I urge you to consider finding a good placement for your mother and switch from direct care giving to being an active advocate and frequent visitor.

Check out your estimated SS income on the SSA website: https://www.ssa.gov/benefits/retirement/estimator.html
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Reply to TNtechie
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I don’t know your situation but the questions sound like someone pretty frustrated and burned out. I always cringe when I see the promise of “never putting you in a home” It’s incredibly selfish for anyone to ask that, and incredibly naive for anyone to promise it. There are circumstances none of us can foresee that can require nursing home care and then what are people supposed to do, kill themselves not doing what’s required or live with guilt forever for doing what had to be done? Ridiculous. None of our parents or loved ones, if they love us, would want that for us. My mother had a stroke that took away every ability, and that means every, in a blink a nursing home became our only choice.
And yes, you do need to look at your own future and consider providing for it. And of course the money your mom has should be used to pay for her care. None of your questions are wrong at all, it’s just a matter of what you’ll do to make changes and things better for all involved
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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KrazyKat, I read your profile. You have a lot on your plate. Your mom’s medical needs alone would overwhelm me. You also sound very depressed. You seem to spend a lot of time in the “What If World”. There was an ad on television not long ago where the daughter said “Dad made us promise to keep Mom at home.” I thought then and still think how unfair! Apparently, in the ad, Dad has passed and the kids are now saddled with Mom’s care.

I was lucky i was I was never on the fence about my mom coming to live with me and my husband. I knew it would have been an unmitigated disaster. I never made promises I knew would be a hardship for me to keep.

Of course there are compromises. Research Home Health Care. See how often Medicare will allow for someone to come in and give you a break. If brother hasn’t stepped up by now, he probably won’t. He’s content to let you do all the work. It could be though, that if you say to him that you will use the “family trust” to place Mom, he may get off his behind and help. Maybe he’d be willing to stay with Mom for a weekend so you and BF could have a getaway.

Cant help you with the finances though. We are in dire straits. Social Security just doesn’t cover our expenses. If Mom has a bit of money, you may want to ask a financial advisor about investing.

its no shame to get therapeutic counseling. Talking it out face to face with a therapist can really help.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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its ok to spend the family trust money on your mothers care, that's the one thing that stands out to me.
does someone expect mothers care to be 'easy' and therefore doesn't involve payment or cost?
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Reply to wally003
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