Sometimes as I caregive, I find that it is rewarding in its own way. There have been times where I've had to be in 2 or 3 different places at once to bring or fix something then with the added task of the house, animals and my mother. There was one story in particular I remember where she was in the hospital one day and I had spent the entire night cleaning since she was going to have someone look at our house early the next day. So thinking she wasn't coming home, I went to sleep the following day. I get a phone call from her and some nurses that morning and I go drive over to the hospital, then figure out that she needs her motorized wheelchair. And so I drove back to the house, took it on the bus and drove it towards the hospital entrance to the e.r. room and essentially spent my day with her as she was trying to get to her urologist appointment. During the lengthy 2 1/2 hour wait in the lobby I was trying to devise a way for us to both get home but to no avail, I decided we would take the bus home instead. After that descision had been made, she was finally seen for a process which took 15 minutes and I remained positive while we got home, then immediatly put her to bed and had myself a drink. At the end of the ordeal I legitimately felt tired but overall proud that I could manage to pull any of this off.

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Before she had passed away I had a lot of plans in the works for Easter, Mother's Day, her birthday Etc. Silly things like an Easter egg hunt for her where treats would be hidden behind giant rocks I had painted like Easter eggs or a photoshoot for her birthday. All these ideas with nowhere to go. I always tried to do things to make her laugh and to make a special memory. Give her something to look forward to instead of just clocking time like so many do in care facilities.

There were things like video taping her telling childhood stories (she was from Germany and we had no secondary relatives here) or map out our family tree, writing down family history that always got put off to another day and are now lost.

I guess the thing I guess the thing that sticks out most in my mind as I wish I had just sat and play the game of cards with her like we did when I was a kid. Or sit and watch MASH reruns with her a few times a week (the only show we both enjoyed).

I don't know where I could possibly have found the time but I wish I had made the time for simple things like that. She's gone now and I'm still doing dishes, laundry, cooking, and cleaning but my mom will never beat me at another game of Rummy.

It made me feel good and important when I could make her laugh, smile, or sing. I don't have that feeling in my life at the moment and I miss it.
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Whether or not a person finds caregiving a parent rewarding has EVERYTHING to do with the kind of parent the parent was.
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Well, on the one hand, mom drives me absolutely nuts sometimes, and living with her (shudder)...thought I would pull all my hair out. She's in a facility now, but still I get lots of calls, complaining, paranoid, negative etc. and visits are similar.

There's no appreciation from her end and no help other than my dear husband in paying her bills, managing her finances, getting meds refilled, buying and bringing her what she needs, making and taking her to doctor and dentist appointments, and cleaning, upkeeping the yard and fixing things at her house, dealing with the guardianship court stuff, etc.

But having said all is in a nice place and gets excellent care and health wise (and even with her mental health) she is doing better than when I got her out of an abusive situation with my sister. The rewarding part for me is that I know my mom is safe and well-taken care of, and that she has the chance to be happy, if she so chooses. And knowing that I did the right thing by her, even if we had to go through a bunch of family drama to get here.
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Yes caregiving can be rewarded especially when caring for someone in my case my mom and my grandma 16 years apart. Grandma had dementia and mom had small cell lung cancer. Both beautiful souls.
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Every situation is unique depending on the level of care needed and the stubborn a**hole factor of the loved one.

For me, yes, I found many rewards.

I worked full-time and was the live-in caregiver for my mom. We were very lucky though, there was no dementia, serious illness, disease, or pain. I had my own Suite downstairs and live in help as well.

After after a couple of years I was exhausted. The "Team" (sibs) that was suppose to help out and provide support were a no-show, a no-go, or a just plain no-do. My life disappeared into the great Abyss called caregiving. My stress and frustration levels were running at a constant all-time high. My health suffered. I grew angry and bitter (still am). I am heartbroken with every disappointment handed to me from family and friends. It got so bad I even disowned a sister. Enter anxiety and depression...

At least at least my mom appreciated me and respected my decisions when everyone else did not. Although she did not have a clue as to how much work went on behind the scenes of everything I did, her face would light up with a smile every time I walked into the room and that was enough. I was pleased and proud of all that I was able to do for her. There was so much more I wanted to do or wished I had done. I'm amazed at strengths I found that I didn't think possible.

When when mom passed away earlier this year, she went feeling loved and happy.
I did that.
I'm at peace knowing I was there and I did the right thing. She's only been gone a few months and when I look back over our time together there are far more smiles then there are tears.

I'm still recovering from the experience, physically, mentally and emotionally. I still haven't been able to find the joy in life again . Time will tell.

Taking care of a loved one is not for the faint of heart that's for sure.
They call it a labor of love. It's not.

It's a exhausting, mind bending, heartbreaking, soul crushing, life sucking, thankless, slave labor of love.

But it's still love.

Hugs to you.
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dkentz72 Jul 2018
Mojorox, I'm in touch with what you went through, especially with the siblings.

My older sister...lived scott free at Mom's for over 10 yrs and then walked out WITHOUT telling me. Yes, she cut me out of the sibling circle, but leaving our Mom and step-father alone like that?! I tried to hire help, but because it didn't suit my sister, she didn't want it.
SHOCKED when I got the call from my step-sister who really runs neck/neck with my older sister!
Long story short, I went home to find out/see the situation given to me on extremely short now we need you notice. It was worse than I could ever imagine.
Tlook Mom to the doctor and found out Mom's Alzheimer's was worse than I ever knew! Dr told me that if things stayed like this, Mom would die before her next appointment in July!!
3rd trip home, Mom had to be placed in the hospital and that was her last hand because the Dr was going to place her in a facility. Me/husband had to place both in assisted living....I couldn't stop crying. I wouldn't let Mom see me when I had her discharged and taken to the group home.
Now I'm her guardian/conservator. When I had to see her Dr before he'd sign the Court papers....he told me I had done more for Mom's care in 2 months than my sister had in 10 yrs.

Family can disappoint and be cruel, but mine gave me the opportunity to get everything back to what she wants per her Will.
Siblings are expecting to get their hands on Mom's money, but I'll use every penny to make sure she is well taken care of first!
They don't have a clue as to what Mom needs, but I'll make damned sure she gets it while I'm living out of State!
She's my Mom and I promised to take care of her back when I was in the 7th grade! I just had to wait for God to answer my prayers.
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"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." Colossians 3:23-24
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As I read all of Your answers memories came flooding back when I Cared for my Darling Mother Who had been diagnosed with alzheimer's and went to Heaven two years ago on July- 21- 2016, RIP.
Yes it's the toughest task in the World when You do it all on
Your own, with no cover no Carer to relieve You in the evenings or at week ends. Yep it's full on 24/7 X 365 and You are on the ropes ready to crash on the canvas but You don't, why ? because knowing there is no one else to take your Place makes You grit your teeth and keep going. I never once received an offer from my Family to head off for a week end while they take over Caring for Mother, and I never asked because I simply adored Mom as We were great Buddies, and I miss my best Friend. Yes Caregiving some one You really love is the most rewarding task You will ever do in Your entire Life. I never told Mom that She was diagnosed with alzheimer's as why worry Her, and I warned all of our Family not to let it slip. We used to recite old IRISH poetry together every day, and sing old Irish songs and recite recitations which to my amazement kept Moms Brain alert and pretty sharp, but nothing could have prepared me for the suddenness of Mothers death. It was on a really perfect day and Mom was in the best form of Her Life and as I was tiding up Her bed and We were chatting and laughing and I noticed Mom place Her head softly upon the pillow and like You'd blow out a candle, puff and Mom was gone with the most beautiful smile which remained. Mother died as She lived happy and with a smile. I think of Mom with happy thoughts at least one thousand times every day and I never want that to change, and when I Pray the Holy Rosary every day I Pray that I will meet my oldest and dearest Friend when I am called over to the other Side. Try to enjoy the journey because I Promise it will End far too soon.
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Msdenise, you're doing better than are most of us! I'm proud of you. I occasionally feel pleased with myself and with things I have done, but I rarely get to the point where I find it "rewarding". It's too exhausting and stressful to be rewarding. Perhaps that's because of all the years I spent working, during which I was actually able to look at things I had accomplished and see the reward in that. That's not the case with the caregiving I do with Mom. I do feel pleased when she's happy that I let her win at Scrabble, tho. :) Perhaps I need to reframe my thinking about all of it, and look at very small successes from the day????
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For me it is not rewarding, not really. I work full time, plus overtime and once I get home I am a caregiver for my husband who does not appreciate anything at all. He is difficult and demanding, and that is our youngest daughters words! He is only 66, so he is angry also, despite the fact that if he had done some things differently the outcome might have been very different. So, no it is not rewarding for me. Some days I do wish he would just give it up. Then I feel very guilty. I have no life, but I do understand that this is not about me. So there are many times I have to just walk away when he uses abusive language; I have told him I will do so, so he does know. His memory is starting to go (He is in hospice care), and his body is slowly starting to shut down, but it is like watching the tide go out. If I was appreciated at all it would be different, but there is none of that. Also, I cannot afford to hire someone and he would not really like that, so it is a moot question. He hates being dependent; I get that, as I am just as independent, and I told him that I was taking notes for when I face the end of life issues; I don't want to be like him at all.
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Your're doing your best BUT you don't need to be doing this alone! I am surprised that the Social worker with the hospital hasn't given you help by providing a list of in-home help!! I'm NOT talking about in-home care.
There are many services that will help you get respite so you have time for yourself, even if it is to sleep!
Do you attend Church? Many Churches have their womens societies who volunteer their time to help too. You can also call a few Churches and ask if their womens circle provides this service too.
My best friend back home in AZ, she was the department head JUST FOR THIS PURPOSE!
Look or Google senior services in your town. The social worker should, again provided you with a list for these services


You will be surprised at the services you can find to help you. If Mom has a membership with AARP, call and find out if they have resources to help you.
Meducate, depending on the plan(s) Mom has, will have a few services to help too.


They know that people get their homes all cleaned up for inspections just to get their family member home. That's not to say they aren't looking for issues that will show abuse etc....why so many children and foster children end up dead....they are most interested with safety access for your Mother to be able to get around on her own.

Does she use a walker in the house? Make sure there isn't anything that would cause her to fall/trip.
Make sure she has a direct/safe path to the bathroom
If she can bathe herself, make sure she has safety bars, a seat so she doesn't have to stand.
Is the a towel rack so she is able to wrap a towel around herself, a safety chair so she can sit to dry herself off
Can she handle her medication by herself? If not, provide a written schedule of all her medications and have them placed in a travel type compartments that clearly show AM/PM and have filled for the week.
Reason: as long as social services is involved, they will show up unannounced!! I'm not saying you would harm your Mother once the visits stop, BUT some States appoint caseworkers to checkup at any time UNTIL they are satisfied with your care for your Mother.

Hire someone thru a State certified service who will come, stay with her and Mom like she is a friend. Keep your Mom in the conversation. Play cards etc until your Mother becomes comfortable that you will be able to have "me time" so you can go shopping, lunch with your friends...just try not to bring up issues about Mom. If they ask, try to keep them short.

I hope this helps. I live out of State, but I tried to do all of this for my Mom, but my older sister nixed because it wasn't 24/7 so she could live scott free at Mom's without the responsibilities to care for Mom.
THEN I had it out with my step-sister about the same things in reverse. She's married to a doctor so money is nothing to her. She LIKED to spend other's money....Oye Vey!!!

Begon to look into assisted living facilities too. Don't place her in a Medicare only facility. Those are just wait for the resident to die.

My husband and I found an absolutely wonderful assisted living group home. One would never guess it is an assisted living group home. Just make sure Mom has the $$ for 5 yrs at the least to care for her if you need to place her in a facility.
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This is an interesting question. I thought I would find this rewarding, but most of the time I feel dread. I wonder if I’m making the right decisions. I worry about what will happen if I don’t cross my t’s or dot my i’s. My conversation with my mom is at a minimum. Yet she is miss chatty Kathy with others. I hear her lying on the phone and acting like a invalid when visitors come. I was close to my mom before all this. I miss my mom. I fear I won’t grieve when she passes. I feel robbed of that. I wish I could change my attitude and be wonderful. I guess I dread the future decline which will come. I expect more of myself. I’ve always prided myself with how I helped with my dad. I’m not getting that now and she really is easy to care for. Bummer.So final thought is I am glad to be able to care for my mom. I don’t want her in a facility. May I do a good job.
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Feeling like an ungrateful child, I'm siding with "No." My mother is nearly 2 years into an Alzheimer's journey and when she last consented to see him, her doc told me hers was advancing rapidly and she might have three years left. Daily, my sister and I are seeing declines. I'm not a nurturing person and wasn't particularly close to my mother so for me, no, this is not rewarding. It's taxing and I'm resentful, but I'm doing my part so I can hold my head high when this is done. My sister has always been much closer and is an empathetic person - but even she's getting burned out.

A lot also depends on the person you're caring for, their condition, and any help you may be getting. TNtechie, your situation sounds rewarding, but you may be in better circumstances than some. I hope it stays that way for you.

I never saw this way of life coming. I don't want it and I feel like crap for thinking it, but I won't be sad when it's over.
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TNtechie Jul 2018
shb1964, my mother doesn't have dementia only MCI with short term memory problems so my situation with her is much different than other experiences - or even my own experiences with my father's care.

My father has advanced vascular dementia and is often quiet hateful. Dad has paranoid personality disorder and was a bit of a bully before dementia made everything 100 times worse. I helped my mother care for him for over a decade, locating my home near theirs so I could pop in every day when needed. Later I went to court to gain guardianship of Dad and to invalidate a POA signed for my brother 9 years after his doctors' deemed Dad incompetent. I placed Dad against his wishes in MC and sold his home to provide stable financing. I am estranged from my oldest brother and one of his sons - and to a degree from my father. Still, I do find satisfaction that Dad's needs are being well met. That he is still able to curse about me during my estranged brother's daily visits.

There have definitely been times when I felt resentment, especially during some of the most difficult days, and I still feel that sometimes even with my mother. That's very normal. Still you are hanging in there - if not for your parents then to meet your expectations of yourself and to support your sister. I suspect when your care giving days are over and you have recovered from the exhaustion, you will look back on this time and find some rewarding elements there.
Knowing I would have Lost my DH years earlier - yes, I found caregiving to be very rewarding. And, I was appreciated - which really does make a huge difference.
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I think I might describe it that way if it was a career, I've always been drawn to occupations that clearly benefit people (not just shuffling widget A into box B to produce something nobody really needs anyway) but when it comes to caregiving family I would just call that life.
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I would never recommend caregiving to anybody. I've been dealing with my mom's Alzeheimer's for 10 years and for the past 4 years she was end-stage. Her needs are so severe the very moment I wake up I am stressed out and I have to attend to her every moment even for the most basic care--I have to CONSTANTLY struggle to get her to get up, take her medication (she fights it over half the time so it's bad enough to prepare it but to give it I have to think of psychology to get her to take her meds), and even going to the bathroom..well, she just goes in her pants. So I have to clean her up all the time and the cost of incontinence alone is about $100 a month (diapers, gloves, wipes, ointments). I have to keep her private parts clean because stool going there will cause an immediate infection which can be fatal. Her bowels are a living nightmare in itself. I manage them with lactulose because stool softeners alone do not work and with her advancing kidney disease I have to be careful what kind of laxative I give which can damage her kidneys more. Lactulose is safe..and she only needs about 5 ml a day and she goes like clockwork. but it took a long time to find the right dose for her. I keep a calendar when she pooped last because if she does not go for 2 days she gets impacted. So I freak when she does not go for a day so I have to give more lactulose (usually 10 ml) to get her to go the next day. Then back to 5 ml or 2.5 ml (when it gets too loose). My mind adapted to this living horror to the point I've become dependent on her just as much as she is of me. I lost my sense of self and I know one day she will die and I will have nothing left. I can't ever retire because my mom is a full-time job. So I'm really screwed up. Hopefully WW 3 will happen and none of this will matter. Is caregiving fulfilling? No. But I also realize when she dies I will have no family left so I'll be all alone and this is an ongoing fear of mine--I can't cope with her gone..but I can't cope with her so frail and prone to falling and confusion.
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shb1964 Jul 2018
I hear your desperation and it makes me very sad. Undoubtedly you will feel lost when she is gone. But I hope you quickly find your way and a purpose again. To give so much of yourself, you deserve a hand up in return. I wish you happier days ahead. There is life "after" or so I've been told. Good luck to you.
Report least not from the person, for whom you are providing care. I care for my mom for 15 years, and now she is in dementia and forgot everything, she loves more her son, who abandoned her completely, especially now, in her critical stage of life, and I am now the reason of all her troubles....
So its not rewarding, unless you are so STRONG person and can ignore unfair treatments understanding that he or she is not in their minds now....Very frustrating "job"....
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YES! Just looking over at Mom and seeing that she is well is a reward - no more worrying about her basic safety and emotional well being as I did during several years she took care of my dad with advanced vascular dementia. She is rested and relaxed - often watering her flowers or reading books and newspaper, sometimes sweeping the floors or unloading the dishwasher.

I enjoy cooking for her and eating meals with her. I often hear stories about meals eaten decades ago with her parents and siblings or Sunday dinners at Grandma's house with the extended family. Even when she tells a story I have heard before, there are often some new details.

The best reward is probably seeing her interact with her great-grandchildren (ages 3-13). The older ones show off grade cards, school projects, new clothes and shoes. The youngest has decided Grandma is his reading buddy. He picks up the books and says "Come on Grandma, let's read!"

Taking care of someone who is always around and who's needs must always be met and knowing that their needs will only increase as time passes is a challenge; sometimes an overwhelming one. But there's also a certain pride in meeting that challenge, in being a person that is counted on.
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There can be so many different answers to this question. I'm sorry you went through such a trying and exhausting ordeal bringing your mother home from the hospital, but I'm glad you found some pride and satisfaction in your accomplishment of getting it done.

I find it rewarding when I'm appreciated, and when I feel I'm able to contribute something meaningful rather than just being used as an unpaid provider of services. There have been some good moments all throughout my 7+ years of caregiving, but most of it has been drudgery and conflict over what I wanted to provide vs what my mother wanted from me. Finally, in her last days, we seem to be on the same page, and it is very rewarding. I hope to take away good memories from this even though I think I'll miss her very much.
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