Follow
Share

My question is more about what I think is a likely outcome of the relationship I currently have with my narc mom with dementia and enabling dad. I believe unless I get an updated copy of their Will each time parents change it, I will not know if they disinherited me until the end of their life. I don't believe my level of care should be given in equal measure to what I might get via inheritance, but should be out of what I feel morally driven to. Up to last year, I did a lot and of course parents still criticized me. The last copy of the Will parents gave stated older sister is Executor and she is to take a payment of her choosing from their assets, then divide what remains with me 50-50. Sister and I have never been close. After an event of family mobbing against me last Summer, I chose no-contact with them all to try to save my sanity. It was a paradise like I never knew could exist.


Unfortunately the holidays rolled around. Husband and friends asked about my parents which left me feeling awkward about no-contact. I reiterate awkward, not regretful or guilty. While husband supports me, he does not understand how dysfunctional family can destroy you. I decided to try a "low-contact with boundaries" situation with parents. I called them after Christmas and kept it brief. During the call, narc mom managed to say she loved me, but I replied saying I was worthy of love and parents should love their kid. True to form, she sharply retaliated "and a daughter should love her mother". I just said goodbye.


My goal in establishing low-contact with my parents was to 1) not be blind-sighted when they are near death, 2) help if needed within my boundaries, 3) not look like the bad guy.


My parents are not wealthy. If anything remains after medical bills I believe my sister will take as much as possible just to get back at me for ignoring her. She will see it as a way she got to win in the end, and take glee in any pain she can inflict on me. I believe parents may be removing me from their Will now just to punish me for not being closer to the family. I know this sounds crazy, but this is what I believe is a likely outcome for me.


I could use a reality check. Am I nuts with this? Is there any way to have low-contact and come out with your dignity? If you were cut out of the Will entirely, did you feel resentful for the care you gave to parents who ultimately abandoned you? Thank you.

Find Care & Housing
If your mother has been formally diagnosed as having dementia, I think you can relax your expectations of preserving your own dignity in the interests of developing a better comfort level wth her communications to you, whether negative or positive.

I was never told by either parent that I was loved, although I think they probably thought I should have assumed that they loved me. After my father died very suddenly my mother began to soften towards me, and we actually came to establish a friendship that I ultimately genuinely cherished.

In your circumstances, I’d be willing to take her “loving” comment at its face value in the moment that it was offered. If you were uncomfortable with the way you responded to her it might be worth it to you to consider other ways you might have preferred to answer her. If you were satisfied with how the comments were exchanged, so be it, your decision to make.

As to the Will, however negative or positive your situation is, it’s theirs and their decision, and that’s something you know. I agree with others regarding possible situations that will allow you to move forward in the most comfortable way you can.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to AnnReid
Report

I think being disinherited would be awful. It's "your sister is our favorite" shoved up your nose.

Honestly, it sounds like your sister might be earning every penny she stands to gain by interacting with them. You said not being in contact is " a paradise." What is that worth to you- in money?

If I were in your position, I would only provide help under the conditions that there is a written care contract and I would ask for market rate payment.

And for your sanity consider the matter closed. Dementia is a very expensive disease. You are quite right that there may not be anything to inherit. So why waste any time worrying about it now? You don't have and don't seem to really want a close relationship with them. That's a valid decision. Own it.

Have you considered getting counseling? It can be so helpful.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to anonymous594015
Report

To answer one of your questions, I was cut out of my father’s will completely. He left what he still had to the most recent grifter. When I was a law student, he used to get me to do him a fresh will every couple of years, and I think that regular changes are an indication of what the future holds. In spite of how I felt about him, it was not a nice feeling. I had continued to do what I could for him, it wasn’t the result of any particular falling-out. The will was just a very tangible statement of his feelings. My guess is that you will feel the same – the ‘put it out of your mind’ advice won’t help all that much. Feeling that your sister is also making a statement by getting the lion’s share will probably make it worse. Accept that it will happen, and make sure that you haven’t made any plans for yourself that depend on an inheritance.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to MargaretMcKen
Report

Stop even bothering to think about it. Just assume you will receive nothing, accept it completely. You will find you are better off...both mentally and physically... just let it go.

as you said, it was heaven to have no contact. Implement that same attitude toward anything further that may or may not happen.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Katiekate
Report

"Expect nothing and you won't be disappointed."   Well stated!!!!

That is exactly what I'm going doing with my situation.  I'm the only one left in the family that deals with my Mom (Dad passed) and I have low contact.  Manage her bills, manage her care, and that's it.

As I've stated here previously, I will never.....ever....judge anyone's situation ever again as I've been continuously judged for having low contact. ;-)
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Baldguy95762
Report

I know you’ve been through a lot with your family. I wish during the Christmas call when your mom told she loved you that you could have managed a quick “love you too” but perhaps given the history that was just too hard. Reading through what you wrote it seems your concern is more about how to handle things going forward than any will after your parents are gone. I know it’s your wish to help your parents, just without the crap that’s so often come with it. The will is nothing you can change or control, put it out of your mind like it’s pretend money that doesn’t really exist. Spend your energy deciding if you can have a low contact way to help your parents, minus involvement with your sister. Don’t take the bait when something comes along to trigger a problem, be a good fish and just keep swimming past
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Daughterof1930
Report

I'm asking, not challenging. here:

"During the call, narc mom managed to say she loved me, but I replied saying I was worthy of love and parents should love their kid."

Why did you reply like this? What message were you sending to your mother, and how did you want/expect her to take it?

Look. As regards the will, you may not know what it contains until after your parents' passing, you have no particular right to know, and you have no right at all to any expectations whatsoever. That's the law. It's extremely straightforward. Expect nothing and you can't be disappointed, can you?

But I don't think this is about the will, or allocations, or anything at all to do with property. I think this is about much more basic, current difficulties with finding out what boundaries are comfortable *for* *you*. Are you working with a therapist, remind me?
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Countrymouse
Report

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter