I don’t know what to do or how to cope, this keeps getting worse. My 71 y/o father has myeloma, diagnosed a month ago. He is an emotionally abusive alcoholic who never cares what anyone else does for him, never thanks anyone, crafts horrible situations and it’s almost as if he enjoys the horrific thing he has put on other people. He was in the hospital, then rehab, discharged last week, and we had up in home PT, OT, nurses aide. We spent so much time dealing with insurance and doctors, had a contractor make some doable changes to the house that we could afford that would help. He will never acknowledge what we did. He can’t start chemo until he is “healthier”, whatever that means. Once home, he refused to do anything- eat more than a tiny bit, actively refused to get out of bed, so quickly undid any positive physical changes he made in rehab. They had given him tramadol in rehab so of course ended up with bad GI issues, none of the meds were helping (though he refused to eat fiber and drink much water or even attempt to evacuate his own bowel) so landed back in the ER. His oncologist says it is nearly too late for him to start chemo, he again cannot walk bc he is unwilling to try. I think he may go back to rehab, but what is the point? To get better, come home, get worse and force us all to dealing with things like his diaper and wiping his butt bc he simply doesn’t want to do it on his own. My sister and I have tried talking to my mom about divorce simply to protect assets but she won’t hear it, she spends all her time crying, and I know she needs to be able to vent to someone, but I really don’t want to be the person who she tells how horrible my dad is and how he cheated on her and told her this and did that, etc etc. she just told me she is telling me bc she doesn’t want to tell her brother or sister. I am exhausted, I have my own demanding career and I am so effing angry and my dad and worried about my mom but also mad that she won’t listen to us and even angry that she chooses her child who is already so overwhelmed to unload all this emotional history on! I also had a horrible relationship with my dad, I don’t now tell my mom stories about what he did that was so bad to me bc what good would that do? How would that be helpful to her? I just hate everything. I’m so sorry for this long vent :( I’m at the point where I don’t understand why my dad even says he wants chemo, I want to escape from this horrible hell and I don’t know what to do to make it better for anyone. I’m horrific for saying this but it would be so much better for him phsycially and us emotionally and financially if he succumbed to this, and quickly. If I try to remove myself from him, then I am essentially leaving my mom to go it alone and I can’t do that to her! I genuinely don’t know how people get through this or what I’m to do, does anyone have experience or tips?

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Forget about protecting assets. It's too late for that. As is said here before, let your mom know you won't listen to the abuse stories. It's her issue and she needs to talk to a professional. She stayed with your dad instead of making her own life and I assume enabled him. As far as your dad, he needs to be in a care facility. And you need him to be there too. Save yourself.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to ArtistDaughter

Your mother had the power to change this but she refuses. There is nothing you can do about it. Next time she vents ask her what she plans on doing to make things change because venting about it is not accomplishing anything except stressing you out.
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Reply to lkdrymom

What you can do is the next time Dad is in the hospita/rehab have him evaluated for LTC. If your parents don't have money or what they have will go quickly apply for Medicaid. Mom will be protected. They will not leave her impoverished. Consult with a lawyer versed in Medicaid. Tell the Social Worker at the facility that Mom is not able to care for him. You and siblings work and have to. Let someone else take care of him.
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Reply to JoAnn29

FrazzledMama gave you some great suggestions.

My suggestion is that you stop beating yourself up for how you feel. What you're feeling is normal and most of us have felt the same way. I remember feeling the same way. The situations were different but the stress was so over the top I didn't think I could withstand 1 more day. I thought this everyday. And it's a normal response to wish your dad would succumb to his illness. You're not a horrible person for thinking that. Your dad is the source of your stress and emotional upset so of course you would want the source of your stress to go away.

FrazzledMama gave you some great solutions to try, I'm giving you absolution and permission to feel the way you do.
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Reply to Eyerishlass

I would call your Area Agency on Aging and have them come and do an assessment and find out what kind of assistance your parents may qualify for. You can still love and visit your mom without having to live with them 24/7, especially if your father is mean and abusive. That would be hard on anyone.

It's also okay to tell your mom that you would rather not hear about the drama between her and your dad. Just tell her it is upsetting to you and feels like it puts you in the middle. You aren't being unkind by doing this, you would be protecting your emotional health. I know what it's like to be used as my mom's emotional dumping ground and be haunted and upset by some of the things that I have learned that I wish I hadn't. You have to set boundaries for you or it will cause you anguish.

Yes, your parents' assets will probably need to be spent to pay for their care, but in the end, really, that's what they are there for. No inheritance is worth the emotional turmoil you describe.

It does sound like some alternate care arrangements need to be made. You can stay involved and help with managing their care but still be able to maintain some distance and space to take care of you, too. Hugs, please come back here and let us know how you're doing.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to FrazzledMama

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