What to do when dad is a roadblock to getting mom help?

Contact their PCP , get " level of care needs asst" completed on each of them; have PCP assign a Geriatric Case Mgr, or Licensed SW to them both; the PCP and GCM or LSW can together help you all look at options for both of their care; do not allow mothers " control" issues stop these necessary steps to provide improvement in quality life for everyone not to mention safety and on going care needs. Expect possible anger, rejection, denial, blaming, guilt tripping etc etc from mother or possibly father ; sounds like he may be cowering in the corner so to speak to avoid the wrath of a dominating, attention seeking, controlling spouse . Mother may be also exhibiting behaviors associated with her own fear and denial and grief about the change in her health .....
Get help in home and, start with the professionals above .

You may also benefit from speaking with an Elder Law Attorney to get further direction, input on the circuitous route of caring for aging.

If all else fails, you can always make an annonynous phone call ( or identify self if you wish) to APS
( Adult Protective Services) and report the situation in the parents home and let APS take it from there.

If your parents are cognitively able to understand you and sisters, you may want to share with them what potentially could happen if APS is ever called. This may help mother and father agree to being compliant with other options to provide necessary care in the home.

Practice self care!

My Dad was the exact same when he became caregiver for my mother. She wouldn't take any of her medication and became increasingly difficult to deal with. She always told my Dad she didn't need a hired caregiver so 100% of the burden fell on my Dad.
It became so bad he placed her in respite for a week and while there, he died. She is still alive, bed bound with dementia living in a NH.
Your Dad needs to get help, regardless of what your mother says she needs. It is hard but the alternatives could be worse.

suzkis: Perhaps their level of care needs to be increased from an "indept senior home."

I know how difficult this is , my parents were the same . Don’t bang your head against the wall . Unfortunately you may have to wait until one of them ends up in the hospital and go from there with the help of a social worker.

A very wise social worker from our County Area of Aging told me “ stop helping , you have to let them fail , to make them accept help “.

Why do you want to slip drugs into her food? That's horrible!!! I am glad you father refused to do that to her. Many of these drugs are very dangerous. Especially for someone with dementia. There are other natural alternatives you can use to help with anger or anxiety.

One of the WORST things you could do to someone with dementia is give them anti-anxiety medications or sleeping pills. Not only does it make the Dementia WORSE!. You will notice they are more likely to fall.

Also, you may want to check into programs that allow family to be paid caregivers. Especially if they are on something like Medicaid which will help pick up the cost. She can pick who she wants for her caregiver and they will provide the funds for her care at least part of the time. That might help you and your sister out financially. Your father can also be considered one of her caretakers. In the future if she declines further, then you could look into additional help as needed. We have a program here called IRIS that helps with these matters.

It might be time for him to have a thorough medical and mental health assessment from his doctor (and most likely a psychiatrist). He may need the doctor to tell him to get help or he will not be able to care for his wife much longer.

I was in this exact situation, but it was a step mom not getting care. I tried to get her daughter to see the danger, but the two of them (elders) were great at show timing. My sister found an elder care specialist who came and evaluated them - we told Dad it was to figure out what we could do to make things easier for him.
I don't know if your Dad would allow this, but my Dad was so worn out he went along with it. He's also very BIG on listening to 'authority figures' and not his daughters.
It resulted in full time care, which drove him mad - so he agreed to move with her into AL. Tough time for sure. Hang in there.

I have been in a nearly identical situation for many years so I feel I must reply. It sounds like you had a better relationship with your parents growing up than I did. If you want to continue liking them, don't give into their selfish, stubborn ways. They'll only need more help, and just because they want that help from you and your sister doesn't mean that it needs to come from you. The world isn't like it was when they grew up. AL is nicer now. There are care options. You aren't going to spend every weekend changing their diapers or putting their dentures in. My parents and I have no relationship left anymore because I let them guilt me into visiting once per week. They finally caved to 12 hours a day at night - every night - because I told them they'd never see my daughter again. Guess what? After awhile, they need help the other 12 hours per day too. And they're still refusing help. Yesterday I visited and my dad couldn't stand up the whole time. My mom was manhandling him roughly to get him up. She screamed at him. At me. At my daughter. At one point, she threw a spoon because I asked her to sit down and have a piece of cake with us. As we left, my dad almost fell. And still - she thinks she doesn't need more help. She even said, "Maybe if you came around more." How was I helpful during the hour I was there? His needs, like your moms, will become too advanced. Your dad, like my mom, will burn out and become abusive. Here's where I went wrong - when my dad was in a nursing home, they released him on the condition they'd have 24 hour care. First of all, I should have fought the release and insisted he move into AL. Here was my second mistake - my parents did have 24 hour care, until my mom realized "no one checks" and when one of their caregivers quit, she refused to replace her. I called the state - I should continue to call them (you can too but read posts on that before you do). In my state, APS said, "If your dad is clean, there's nothing we can do." So now I visit once per month. I use the holidays as bargaining chips. For example, they didn't do X by Thanksgiving so I didn't go. But for Christmas, a holiday my mom cares about, I've made it clear that I will not go unless there is help 4 more days per week for a minimum of 4 hours per day. I've also insisted she get help on Christmas day. Because I know that I am not trained help. My sister is not. And my 82 year old mother is not. And if they don't start to get it, then they can live out their remaining days in the house that matters more to them than their children. Remove yourself. Let them fail. Insist they move or get 24 hour help after they do fail. And if they don't, you'll see them on the other side. I'm not a jerk - although this sounds harsh. But I have learned the hard way that if I don't take this approach with them, my marriage, work, relationship to my child, health, and sanity fall apart. Don't go down that path.

suzkis,
I am not sure if my story will help but here goes.
I had a very controlling (but well meaning) Dad. As soon as my Dad learned that I had POA and Health care Proxy for Mom he backed off. I was then able to accomplish a lot for Mom.
These documents are very important if and when you need to get additional help for a sick aging parent who cannot express their needs due to some form of dementia. Mom had some short-term memory issues, and lung and heart problems.
Because I was able to arrange for the best Doctors in the Boston area to diagnose and treat her. We had an extra 7 years with her. She passed at age 93.

If I did not have the legal control, dad and my brother would have had her placed in a nursing home very early on and would have removed her from the incredible Doctors who were able to keep her alive and enjoying life with her children and grandchildren.

This is difficult time for you, and I wish you the very best and hope you can obtain legal guidance.

LIke any "roadblock" you need a DETOUR around dad.

Is Dad stuck due to his own thinking?

Thoughts based on values eg
*he alone must provide all the care* or
*only family can help*.

Be direct. Ask him. Discuss his views.

Sometimes strong marital or family values can become inflexible barriers to adding more care. That's what it is btw, not REPLACING him or family care but ADDING MORE care. Adding additional services, aides, staff.

The simple thing is to send a note to the doctor saying what you are concerned about and why. A ‘good’ doctor will take it from there to check things out. Many many parents will take advice from their doctor, rather than from their own family. If the doctor doesn’t follow through, consider recommending a different doctor.

Perhaps you lay it on the line to your Dad that things will be getting worse (it’s inevitable), and you have more than reached your limits of caring. He needs to talk to you and Dad about what happens next. It ISN’T that you will do more. So what is it? If it isn’t you doing more – so what happens? And how can Dad and you make it happen? Tell him that for many ‘strongwilled people’ they have to experience ‘help’ being cut off – and is that what he wants?

Dad needs to look ahead, as do you and your mother. The alternatives really do need to be spelled out in considerable detail, before they are believable.

I’m so sorry that you are in this situation. You can’t force your dad to do anything. It’s awful but your hands are tied.

Sadly, it’s a waiting game for now.

Sooner or later an emergency will occur and your mom or dad will be taken to the hospital. Then hopefully you can intervene.

Best wishes to you and your family.

Unfortunately, your father will not grow a backbone now, it is way too late.

I think that you are doing all that you can right now.

Sure hope that someone aside from him has the DPOA so some sound decisions can be made when the time comes, which will be in the near future. There is no getting away from it.

Keep posting it will help.

In your last post, you said, "My mom has dementia and lives with my dad in an indept senior home." Since they live in some sort of senior home, help is available when dad reaches the end of his rope. You cannot change the dynamic between them, so stop trying. DAD has to realize that mom has become more than he can handle before he asks for help and starts finding a way to give her the meds she needs.

Good luck to you.

Guilt infers responsibility.
You didn't cause this and you can't fix it so guilt is off the table.
The word you want is GRIEF at the helplessness you feel in witnessing poor choices in the aging process.
You need a good sit down talk and need honestly, looking dad right in the eyes, telling him that this cannot go on for his health and safety and Mom's as well, and that you will not continue to enable this behavior.

You will not change your father.
Eventually push will come to shove and there will be the call of some disaster or other with one of your parents down and in need to transit to hospital.
Call in social workers at once when this happens.
Meanwhile there is little you can do other than what you ARE doing, and it will become increasingly more difficult.