91 yr. old Mother has been total Narcissist all my life.
Father died suddenly in pandemic. She had to go into care. She has dementia. Long-term memory faultless but no short-term memory. Over last 2 years she has claimed she wanted to be closer to me. She has no friends or family where she was. Naively I believe that we can have a nice time if she's local!
Move was planned for August 22, but she changed her mind and I cancelled it all.
This time she sounded so unhappy that I taped her saying how much she wanted to come, arranged it and it happened yesterday. I acted quickly (within 1 week of her saying how much she "hated" where she was.
I arrived to collect her yesterday. Not happy. Not wanting to come, threw her teddies across room and told me to sod off (her equivalent of saying F off!). Changed suddenly when fellow inmates said goodbye, posed for pics etc. Sweetness and light.
4-hour journey was amazing, despite me driving in hideous weather. She was so kind to me, planning shopping trips, planning cooking together, being a support to me, seeing all the family (my grandkids, her great-grandkids), being included.
Arrived at new home (sister company so wallpaper looks same etc.). Lovely kind staff.
She then had a meltdown saying I'd virtually kidnapped her, hates new room, can’t believe I chose it for her, says she'll get bus back to other home today. So entitled, horrible, her nastiness knows no depths
Any thoughts, kind people?
Do I just let her be for a few days?
My adult local son is going in today with his new baby that she's never met. My very kind husband is going in to tune TV etc.
Shall I lay low?
Luckily, I'm Ok, I had to laugh when she walked into her quarters, and she said out loud " What an ugly room “.
I'm 67 and in the UK but only researched NPD 6 years ago and realized what she was. Therapist specializing in NPD said she was one of the worst examples she'd ever heard of. It was so validating, but when she's lovely, I really like her and still yearn for a nice time with her.
Thank you in advance for commenting.
Luckily I'm feeling fine mentally .
Will pop in tomorrow then give her a very wide berth . Yes the illusion of having a close family and loving daughter is just something she has always crowed about but she does nt really care. She just likes the illusion .
I completely get it when people say Get the idea out of your head that we can have a decent relationship. The boat sailed many moons ago but why do children of N's live in hope ?
I naively thought that the wrongs could be rewritten . How crazy was that?
Do I take her back to where she was. NO . Definitely not .
I'll repost in a couple of weeks to update . Thank you again .
It's no more about what mother 'wants'. She's now permanently located in this new care home you've been kind enough to set her up in, which is unfortunately 'closer' to where you live. Sigh.
Stop thinking there's any semblance of hope you'll ever have the mother you've dreamed of your whole life. That ship has sailed long, long ago.
When she's nice, she's acting. Mostly so she can perform for others so they THINK she's all sunshine and light. Those who KNOW her know better. The few times she acts nicely towards you is a fluke. She either wants something & is manipulating you or it's the dementia confounding her mind & making her act like a civilized human being. It's just a mistake.
Stay away from this care home and let her acclimate or not, her choice. You KNOW she's being cared for and paying handsomely for the privilege. She's safe & sound, which is all that really matters.
Call over to the staff to find out how she's REALLY doing, b/c to hear her tell it, it's hell on earth, the food is gruel, and they're torturing her on a daily basis.
Your mother has spent your whole life showing you who she is: believe her, and move on with YOUR life now, knowing she's doing fine right where she is. Stop jumping through ANY MORE hoops for her now. You've done enough.
Best of luck.
Sorry to say, but at this point you are not going to have the relationship you would like to have. Dementia only heightens already personality disorders. Even if Mom was not a Narcissist, Dementia causes people to be self-centered and lack empathy. And most always want to go home. They also become like small children.
I think the best thing for you would just be to realize every day, every minute is going to be different with Mom. One day she may be sweet as pie, the next mean and hateful, this is when you walk away. She could change in a moment. My Mom was a sweetie but one day something I said set her off. She accused me and my youngest brother of making her feel like she was going crazy and she knew she wasn't. I had to call my daughter, RN, to come over and settle her down. (Daughter worked in NHs) Daughter was successful in calming her down.
Try to let what Mom says roll off ur back. Its hard, but you just tell yourself its the Dementia talking.
your therapist needs to meet my family members. i want to win the competition.
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ok, jokes aside,
i hope others on the forum have great advice for you.
meanwhile, here is a big huggggggg from a fellow N victim.
Arent they just awful ?
People have no idea what they're like . Looking back it was pure emotional abuse for years and years . I didnt have a name for it til I was 60 odd. It was amazing when I found out .
This is terrible but part of me doesn't actually care that she's unhappy . I think its called Revenge !!!
You can not accept what she says as truth. It can be HER truth but not reality.
Leave her for a bit, let her get settled in.
It may take a while.
People with dementia do not like change. (actually PEOPLE don't like change) But change for a person with dementia can mean a set back or a more rapid decline. So prepare yourself for that.
What I think you need to work on is your expectation for a "nice time with her" I don't think she would know how to do that or what it even is.
She is not the person she was, she has a broken mind there is no fixing it.
She is safe, being fed and getting her meds, all is good.
She is not going to be happy, no matter what you do. Her mind is demented, do what is best for her care and let her yammer about being unhappy, hating this place, etc.
If you've done your research, you know that this is what narcissists do. Over and over and over...
Let others visit. Lay low.
It will never be "lovely"...for you. It's all about her.