My mother is 90, I have been her caretaker all my life, in her declining years. (last 15 years)
My situation allowed me to move into mom and dads house, and, while dad was still living, I personally did everything around the house. Mowing, laundry, cleaning....you get it.
My dad died in 2015, after a brief (8month) illness. I took care of him, in home, while his health deteriorated.
My mother has been needing full time care since 2013. She was able to get around the house with her walker, use the bathroom, shower on her own, etc. but she needed meds, meals, and help paying bills, all the stuff that daily living requires.
As time moved on, mom has regressed in her abilities to be “self sufficient.” She has been hospitalized at least once every 6 months over the last 4 years, mainly with severe UTIs. The drill has been, get well in hospital, go to rehab facility, get strong and come home.
2 years ago, I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Still, I was able to care for mom, at home.
However, the cancer has given me new personal health challenges. I need to recover from some serious health setbacks. And, mom is in a skilled rehab center, wanting to come home. I might add, her ability to walk around with walker, go to bathroom, shower.....is very limited now. She needs more care than I can personally give her.
The problem is, everyday I talk to or visit her, the whole conversation is “when am I going to get to come home”
I have explained to her my dilemma, and she seems to understand, at least that day. The next visit it’s the same conversation. She cries, says she can’t take it there, has a complete meltdown every time I visit.
My sister is POA. She could take mom at her home, with a little rearranging but says she cant do it. Granted, her home is split level, and would be difficult for mom to get to bathroom ect.
However , add a temporary potty, 2 strong guys (husband and son) could carry her up stairs for a shower once a week....you get the picture. It could be done, but she doesn’t want to do it. She keeps saying, “we need to get you (me) well first, so mom can come home" (will have to have assistance)
I really think my sister ultimately wants me to take care of mom, so she can reap the inheritance.
She has no interest in my health, other than I get better to watch mom.
My mother has no understanding of what I am going through physically. It may take me 6 months to get back to where I can take her.
So, I have tremendous guilt, because mom is in a home. I have no support from family, as sister is only blood I have.
I have health issues that I have to address.
What are your thoughts on what to do with mom, and how do I relieve myself from all the guilt I have about keeping her in the nursing facility?
And visiting everyday, only to feel worse than when I came? I’m really at the breaking point, and could use some solid advice.
Also, I am disabled. Was wondering, since I’m caretaker, and disabled, are there any recourse measures I could take so if mom has to stay in a home, they won’t come after her house, which I live in, because I’m disabled? I know an elder attorney would be a place to start, but my experience attorneys is, they get the lions share of the assets, and don’t provide the solid direction, representation I need in order to follow this through, while trying to achieve our long term goals.
Any thoughts would be appreciated!