Trying to adjust to husbands uncle moving in with us. Any tips?
Any tips would help. Here is the back story.
Basically back in begin of January my husband my husband got a call from his uncle stating his grandma was acting werid and thought she may of had a stroke. My husband drove 2.5 hrs to Pa to see his grandma and get her treatment. His uncle has lived with his mother since his own father died in late 80s. We thought it was his uncle that helped his own mom, but soon realized that it was Grandma that was paying for everything.
Finally in Feb, 34 days after falling Grandma passed with aid to Comfort Care. Then we started moving his uncle in with us. Now my husbands father passed in 2013 and always said his uncle was lazy, refused to shower and always loved off someone. We thought it was just talk. Since his uncle had always been there to support us. So naturally since in 2019 he lost his leg (below knee) to a infection that he states was a spider bite that was left for over year. Anyways, since moving I get no alone time with my husband till his uncle goes to bed. He has to go everywhere with my husband. He hasn't showered since our daughters dance Feb 12th. He doesn't give me clothes and he doesn't have much. He gets the mail and will give straight to my husband and I don't get to see it, he states this is not your mail. He stomps his cane at the cats and now they are peeing on everything. He has a house in Pa, but states it's to soon to make a decision on what will happen. The list goes on and on.
When I chat with my husband his take is I tell him to shower etc but he resets and I cant talk to him cause he seems to move on after we talk about.
So any tips on how we can handle this cause my husband is getting upset that I am always asking for him to correct this issue and set guidelines. He says he isnt going to push him to stay here or move out. That he talks to him but then it seems like he forgets. He says he is just in a funk. He is watching videos and repeats himself. He is only 68... HELP need structure as we have 4 kids (18 to 5 yrs), 12 cats, 3 dogs, a rabbit N live in a 4000sq ft home. Plus I run a cleaning business. I'm at my end with all this.
Just 68... he could live up to 30 more years. Is this how you’re going to let it be? Because he won’t move unless you or husband get him out.
Needless to say; I can understand your husband's frustration. Its very difficult to deal with the needs of a sick family AND your wife.
BUT...you are his wife. Your needs are just as valid, even if you are not as "helpless" as the uncle.
Find a moment when your husband is in a good mood. Let him know that you admire his dedication to caring for his uncle. Tell him you love him for it. It makes him a real man....and then steer the conversation to ways that the whole uncle situation affects you.
The key is ...to make sure it doesnt come accross as if you're telling your husband- he isnt doing enough- because Im sure, in his mind, he is balancing it as best as he can.
When Uncle complains, tell him he doesn't need to live there. He has a place of his own and for you, it would be nice if he went there to live because you are not caring for another child.
I would not take rent from him. Then u will definitely need to evict him. But he would pay towards utilities, special food he wants, and his personal items and his bills. I would also make DH aware that if he starts failing, you will not be caring for him. Thats when he will go to a NH. I would also wonder about his leg. Not saying it couldn't have been a spider bite but also could be diabetes. And if he isn't doctoring for it, could explain the "funk". You may luck out he goes into shock and has to be rushed to the hospital. You can then tell the powers that be that you are not capable of caring for him and he either goes to longterm care or to the home he owns. And then a Social Worker can set up in home care for him.
Your situation will not get better. You've got to take the reins.
If your husband is not the assigned durable PoA for your uncle (and no one is his PoA) then you/hubby have no real power. You could make this a condition for him to continue living in your home, just like showering, contributing financially, etc. This needs to happen before he is ever diagnosed with dementia. But if he refuses then you won't have any power to make him do anything until it starts to tilt into calling 911 because he's injured or is a danger to himself or others in the house or makes threats of violence. If this happens and he's taken off to the hospital, you can refuse his return as an "unsafe discharge". If he's a vet you can help him contact the VA. If he's broke you can help him apply for Medicaid or SSI or SSDI.
I could go into all the other things you can demand of him but he needs to live elsewhere. Please have a calm and gentle conversation with your husband that your own marriage and kids have priority and the uncle has to go. It's not just about what is happening now, it's about how much worse it will get day by passing day. His care needs will only increase and life will become far more chaotic and stressful than what it is now. Have your husband read some of the thousands of threads on this forum under caregiver burnout.
I hate giving spouses "ultimatums". You need to get your husband onboard with him leaving. Give uncle a deadline to get out and assure him you'll help him find an IL community close by. There's a difference between formulating a plan with your husband and nagging your husband. You will get better results with the first. He needs to be in agreement and actively involved. He needs to understand that if he's for your uncle staying, he's against your marriage surviving (but don't say it like that, please!) Your uncle would be wise to assign your husband as his PoA no matter what. Only you can decide what to do if your husband becomes passive or if he actively refuses to remove him. Hopefully your husband isn't paying any of the bills for your uncle. There needs to be full transparency between you two. Then, there's always couples therapy. I wish you great wisdom in approaching this with your husband. May you have success!
I don't have any personal experience with this and I hope someone here who has gone through this will help you. I just wanted to say- you are right. This is a problem. I would look carefully at what I and my children were doing to make this situation easier for your husband and I would think about not doing that anymore. For example, who is cooking for him? Cleaning up after him? That sort of thing.
And get your mail directed to a PO Box for a while.
How was it decided that your husband's uncle would become a permanent resident in your family's home? Was there a discussion? Is he paying rent? Are there ground rules?
Is your husband okay with the sort of disrespect that Uncle is demonstrating?
Your (and your husband's) obligation is to your children. it sounds at the very least as though he is providing a poor example of adult behavior. Does he help with chores, help with the kids' schooling?
Uncle sounds like he has some mental health challenges. Does he have physical infirmities as well?
I'm sorry to ask so many questions, but some more details will get you better guidance.