What rights do other family members have to receive information from the POA?

It sounds like perhaps your aunt has been more overwhelmed by this move than she has shared or maybe even recognizes and in that emotionally draining time for everyone some miscommunication happened. From your follow up below it sounds like you don't have any qualms with the decisions your aunt as been making or the care she has been giving GM it's just the way she communicated in this instance. Have there been emergency hospitalizations or big procedures in the past when she has communicated things better? In our family in general for important info during a busy time I take on the information responsibilities and let my siblings and mom's siblings know what is happening with the expectation that my siblings inform their kids (I inform my son) and so on. Now as things are less immediate or unknown I set up a text chain for that group of family and another for the next extended tier out, the other family and friends Mom asked be informed. Unless she has been doing it differently through events in the past I can understand your aunt only wanting to take the time to inform her siblings and let them tell their children, etc. Perhaps to diffuse some of this you or your parent (who's mom this is) could offer to help. Recognizing the time it takes to put together a list and the fear of forgetting someone as well as update each person at times like these someone could take point on making sure the rest of the family and friends are informed, a phone chain if you will. I don't know how text savvy your aunts generation in your family is but use texts if you can because all those phone calls are tiring. But this way even if your aunt is withholding information now for some reason if there is some commiseration and understanding about her position, appreciation for all she has and is doing and an easy way to prevent the perceived controversy on her part, she might relax a bit about it and be more inclusive. It's probably important to be aware of comments, well meaning and justified or not about decisions she's making or that could be heard by someone in her place as complaints or suspicion as maybe being the source of her walls and fear of sharing more info for people to pick apart. Giving her a feeling of support over possible critique may go a long way here to helping diffuse and re-balance this situation.

I would choose to try honey here first and see what you catch. ;)

The big answer is that the POA holds this right. The rest of the family has the rights she chooses to confer on them. She is acting in her mother's stead and hopefully in her mother's interests. For the rest of the family it is necessary to know that the aunt is the lioness at the gate. She is the one who has been in charge of her Mom's needs and care, and she has been the one to have to take on the burden of making this decision. I think that she doesn't want to have to deal now, in her grief, with each member of the family. If the other siblings of your grandmother do get along then it is time for them and your aunt to meet together and decide on a family tree for passing information she is willing to share. But given that she is the lioness at the gate it is best that any requests be made one on one and in a respectful manner. I think it is step 1) Express profound appreciation to this aunt and daughter for the care she has devoted to her mother. 2) Tell the aunt that the family agrees (if indeed they do) on understanding the need now to place the mother into care. 3) Express the wishes of the family to be informed about how the mother/grandmother is doing, adjusting. About anything that the aunt is willing and able to share, and that all would love to form a phone tree so that they can decide how to visit in a non-intrusive way. Ask the aunt to call (her favorite) sister, who will then tell other siblings, who will then inform their own children and so on down the tree. 4) ask the aunt if there is anything that anyone can do to help her now. If others have been helpful to her and the Mom in the past she will know who they are, and know what she needs now in doing her power of attorney. Remember that the aunt is likely suffering badly now. Remember that anything that seems cross or adversarial may result in the person visiting it upon the aunt with being cut off completely. You may want to see a licensed social worker for an hour of time, one that deals with elder care and family, to get a few more hints. Good luck. Be supportive, with ZERO criticism, and that will go a whole world of a long way.

Sorry, I am a wombat, how did I forget to say - ?

Remember above all of this that your aunt must be utterly wretched about placing her mother in a nursing home *anyway*, regardless of what anyone else thinks of it.

We have lots of forum members who have mixed feelings once it's happened, usually relief mixed with guilt in varying proportions; but very very few who aren't sad. Anyone who criticises or challenges your aunt needs to realise they are seriously kicking a woman when she's down.

I think I could hug you.

What mostly happens when something like this is going on is that people attribute the very worst possible motives to the person in charge. You've done the exact opposite. You feel your aunt has been forced into this decision, feels awful about it, and is assuming that everyone else is going to think she's awful for doing it - even though you (at least) don't think any such thing.

What about writing her a letter? Thank her for everything she's done, tell her how highly you think of how she's carried out her POA responsibilities, and reassure her she will have your support for any decisions she feels are right for her mother.

Meanwhile, do what you can to make anyone who is upset and hurt because they felt excluded from information and decisions to calm down and shut up. What matters is your grandmother's welfare and what happens next. If they argue, remind them of the years of work to date and ask where they were then? Your aunt has acted properly; and she had no obligation to consult anyone. Besides - the more they argue now, the more they prove her point that if she'd tried to get a consensus before the move it would never have happened and your poor grandmother would still be struggling on without the care she now needs.

One more thing, I don't know if this applies: very often, a nursing home or memory care unit prefers friends and family members to stay away until the new resident has adjusted - interruptions to the routine can be a real setback for a person with dementia who was beginning to get used to the change. So it may be that your aunt was advised to discourage visitors at first, and of course the easiest way to do that is just to keep quiet about what's happening.

Then, give it all a chance to settle down. How often are you able to visit your grandmother? I doubt if your aunt would really move her from a place where she's comfortable and safe merely for a quiet life - it wouldn't work, anyway, because doing that would really set the cat among the pigeons; but besides, a person doesn't put that much dedication into doing the POA job properly for years and then mess it all up just to prove a point.

Blessed are the peacemakers! - I really hope the conflict will simmer down quickly, but don't get caught in the crossfire if they won't stop. Just focus on your grandmother while she's still able to appreciate your presence - she sounds a total sweetheart.

Countrymouse Oh, and yes, she has been POA for decades and has done a great job. Honestly, I think that SHE is sick over having to make this decision and assumes that everyone else hates her for doing it. That's not true, but that's what she thinks. People are mad because she made the decision and then didn't advertise it, so it looks like she was being sneaky.

My Aunt is in her 60s and to her, any person, asking any questions means that she has to "answer" to that person. She does not believe that she owes anyone any information because she made the decisions, they are final and that's that. The problem is that whenever my Grandmother has a visitor, she says that she's sad because her grandchildren, cousins, extended family members, church friends, etc. have not come to see her. None of them knew that she was there so that they could come to see her because my Aunt only told her siblings, and didn't even consider the younger sibling because he's the "baby" of the group.

I keep telling my Aunt that all she has to do is tell us next time, but all she "hears" is people disapprove of her decision. I have been in tears all weekend because everyone is just mad and upset and refusing to talk or listen. I saw my Grandmother and she told me not to let it get to me because I am always free to come see her, but that just stresses me out more because if my Aunt moves her, I will not even be able to do that.

Good morning and welcome :)

I'm sorry this is happening to your family. I appreciate what a stressful and hurtful situation it can be.

The first thing to say, specifically relating to your headline, is that the focus needs to be on your grandmother's rights rather than other family members' rights. It's her right to contact with her family that matters.

What information your aunt is obliged to share will depend on what your grandmother specified in the POA documentation; and often, unfortunately, it's "none." It's very normal for families to assume that everyone will continue to get along and co-operate; so that it's not so much that your grandmother wasn't interested in the rest of you as that she never imagined there'd be a problem.

Well, now there is. And it's a tricky one.

Do you think it's possible that your aunt has developed some sort of grudge or grievance towards the family? Was she your grandmother's primary caregiver for a long time before this move to the nursing home?