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He saved her life. Her mother has POA and is using that to say who can see her. Is that legal??

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I will add this so you all can see what a miracle herrecovery has been so far. She had a 2 Nd CA in the hospital the next day. While the team was working on getting her heart started it was so grueling that mom and fiancé told them to stop and let her go. While they were packing up their stuff and mom and fiancé were telling her goodbye, her heart started on its own! It’s been beating ever since. She came back from the “ dead” ( for lack of a better word) twice! She wanted to live!
Her prognosis one week later was “ significant brain damage” speculating she would remain on life support in a nursing home!
60 days later she was off all life support!
she is a miracle! That’s why it’s such an incredible story.
one night in the hospital she got out of her wheel chair and walked down the hall unassisted!
Another day she picked up a children’s book and started reading it aloud!
up to that point she was speaking very little.
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What is her mother “scared” of by not allowing her daughter to see her friends? The daughter is in a rehab center. What’s going to happen when rehab is completed? Will she still need to be taken care of 24/7 ?

30 minutes with no oxygen to the brain during CPR....the person has no other deficits other than memory. Can she walk and shower with minimal supervision? Have Control of bowel & bladder?

Maybe her mother knows something you don’t about circumstances prior to this cardiac arrest.
What was their relationship before ? ( mother & BF) Cordial? Was there even a relationship? Mother must have met the fiancé in the two years they were dating.
I am thinking there is more to this story that meets the eye.

Why do you keep saying this is a Hallmark story waiting to become a movie someday? How they will be reunited and live happily ever after? No matter what, life is not a fairy tale.

Can the fiancé provide the care she will need after she leaves rehab? You said he travels extensively. My guess is there are years ahead of caregiving of some sort that she will need supervision at the least. How will that happen if the fiancé travels for work? What were her circumstances prior to the arrest? Did she have a job and was she self sufficient or did she depend on her mother a lot before all this happened? If so this can just be a normal extension of their relationship - mother & daughter. You and fiancé may not be aware of mother/daughter dynamics and how their relationship works. Her mother wants to protect her daughter from SOMETHING here- what is it?

You are in Oregon, she in Texas, so basically the info you have is third person.

Fiance should file for guardianship. He will have to prove he can take care of her. They aren’t married though, so it may be an uphill battle.

His guardianship application may prompt a mental health professional to perform psychological testing or have conversations with her to assess if she is deemed mentally capable of making decisions that effect her life. She can tell the psychiatrist how she feels. He, being a MD, can review her records and make suggestions based on her mental health status.

Her prognosis is important to determine long term care needs.

It would augment your Hallmark movie - “BF is Prince Charming and sweeps her out of rehab and they lived happily ever after”. Except life isn’t like that.
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Beckyinbend Jun 2019
There may not be a happy storybook ending to this we know that!
She left home at 16! What does that tell you ?
neither parent went to visit her the 2 yrs she was in Seattle! She asked them to come all the time . Wanted mom to help her pick out a wedding dress, there was always an excuse.

As I stated before she can walk with no assistance, can read and write, shower, dress and feed herself, make herself something simple to eat.
she was a great cook before this happened but now doesn’t have much interest in that. She loves to sing and dance! We saw her in Feb. that’s how I know how she was then. I assume with rehab she has progressed more!!
can she be left alone? Don’t know she hasn’t been alone since this happened.
HE has talked to attorneys about guardianship it’s very expensive and has to be renewed every year or two.

IF he were to get her to live with him he would change jobs to accommodate her. But for now all he wants is to be able to see and talk to her.
He had a pretty good relationship with her mother through this until she pulled the communication plug in Feb.
She was very independent had a job, before this.
At one time she worked for Willie Nelson.
He has always been very respectful to her parents (divorced) live in different states.
We can only speculate what moms issues are because she won’t share them.
He knew GF better than anyone in her family !
They were both in their mid 30s when they met, not kids, very independent.
Very much in love!
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One legal option for the Fiance is to file for Guardianship. Your friend’s parents will of course be notified (perhaps he notifies them himself). They will have to explain themselves and what they are doing to the Court. It’s a lot of work and expense, but even the threat of it might shake the situation up.

Best guess (based on your view of things) is that your friend’s mother and father are in this together. They don’t like Fiance, there may be money in it for them if she stays a dependent, or father (who you say is abusive) wants to stay in control.
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Great points about financial gain, she would definitely qualify for disability benefits from SSA.

Guardinship would be a great way for the fiance to get his love back.
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Your friend, aged 38, was having gut issues. These went on for four months and required hospitalisation. She was scheduled for a colonoscopy. Just before the procedure, she became so ill that she had a cardiac arrest which resulted in a brain injury.

I must say you're remarkably incurious about what caused her to be so ill, and whether the gut issues have since been resolved. How long have you yourself known this lady?

I don't want to go all soap operatic about it, but is it possible that what freaked mother out was somebody's drawing attention to the daughter's gut issues being so much better now? Or are they ongoing, too?

However. Isolation is not generally in a person's best interests; and you are free to report this issue to Adult Protective Services in your friend's area. Don't be excitable about it: 38 year brain injury patient, living with parents, being prevented from communicating with her interested friends, please would they check that there are no concerns about how her parents are managing her care. It will probably be an open-and-shut case but you never know.
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Beckyinbend Jun 2019
She was in the hospital for 4 months due to her brain jury.
she also has ulcerated colitis. The colonoscopy was to determine that. But after taking the prep her already low electrolytes we’re depleted and her heart stopped. No one knew her body doesn’t absorb electrolytes until this all happened.
That part of her illness was not treated until being in the hospital 6 weeks. She wasn’t eating much so it didn’t flare up.
she had a colonoscopy in the hospital.
i believe she’s on medication for it now. She had one big flare up right after going to Texas.

APS was called in Feb. we think they did a visit but never got any confirmation . (Except that mom was really mad! )
she is now in a safe albeit confined rehab facility. I’m sure APS wouldn’t check on her.

all we want is for boyfriend to be able to see her and or talk to her, with some regularity. He travels for work so isn’t always in town. He wouldn’t be hovering over her. And to find out how “ legal” the POA is and if she’s ok with mom having all that power.
we are pretty certain she doesn’t know we all are being kept away, and our mail not given to her.
when he did go see her and she recognized him....the staff told her mom she didn’t know him which was a bold lie!

Its like they want her to forget about him but try to remember the rest of your life just not the 2 yrs living with him. ( and the year before that! )

This will be a book and a Hallmark movie some day.
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Please, you need to get someone in there now. This all sounds fishy to me. People have mentioned on this site that the rehab/NH gave someone POA. Not really sure how this can be done when the resident/patent has to assign it.
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The rehab facility should have the ombudsman information posted publicly, it is a patient's right to representation. If you can't get in the rehab call the department of health services, they can help you with resources to contact.

If the POAs are not notarized they are not legal.

What a frustrating situation.
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It certainly isn’t universally required for a witness and/or a notary to be present when a POA is signed. It may be a requirement in some states. I am concerned to read repeatedly that people are claiming to have a POA when it isn’t produced or verified.
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This post is about a month old and the OP hasn’t been back
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Beckyinbend Jun 2019
I gave an update....I found out none of my mail is being given to her!
also boyfriends mail she is not getting either. Seems like that’s an abuse of POA. ?
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APS may be able to help. Tell them her rights are being violated. POA does not give Mom the right to cut off her daughters friends. Seems like the woman can make decisions of her own and she is not being allowed to. She also has the right to revoke the POA and give it to her BF. If she was under duress when she OKd the POA it may not be legal. I would like to know if there was a witness or notary present. She has a right to put her BF on her HIPPA forms.

You can call the Ombudsman too and have them investigate.
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Beckyinbend Jun 2019
How do we find an ombudsman?
when she signed the POA she really didn’t know what she was giving permission for. Doesn’t there have to be a notary present?
i wonder if they videoed her?
Mom was desperate to get POA to get her medical care.
boyfriend was on the HIPPA form in Seattle.
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I'm just curious as to what the mother may be afraid of regarding the friends. Was the daughter with the friends when she was injured? Was this due to a drug overdose, car accident, etc? Is there some risk factor the mother is trying to keep daughter away from? This would be my initial question.
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Beckyinbend Jun 2019
She had a cardiac arrest at home with her boy friend, he immediately started CPR. The arrest was caused by her electrolytes getting so low her heart stopped. She was scheduled for a colonoscopy that day to find out why she was having gut issues.
she was in hospitals for 4 months and he was there almost every day. If he couldn’t be there he made sure someone was.
He raised $20,000 for her continuing care. She was on Medicaid while in WA but when moved to Texas she lost that insurance.
Mom got her private insurance but it didn’t pay for her to have rehab.
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Oh BIB, I am sorry that her mom is isolating her from encouragement. It is so wrong on so many levels.

I was wondering if her husband is abusive, could he be behind the isolation, not because of your dear friend, but because when people get close they can notice things that abusers would rather keep in the dark. Abusers almost always isolate their victims, it is how they stay in control. Sick, sad and damnable, but true.

Out of curiosity, have you sent a letter to mom, give her sympathy for how hard and traumatic this has been and is for her. Offer her understanding and ask her to please help you understand why you can't be a friend for the family at this point and help them all get through this with love and support. Just an idea to break through her resistance.

If it is the abuser causing all the isolation then I don't know how you can get past that, mom is obviously scared to stand up to him and she could have good cause. Especially feeling like now she has her daughter to help and provide for. The very scary thing is that abuse never starts with a slap, it is mind warping that allows the abuser to stay in control and then they can get away with anything because their in the head of their victim. Tough, tough battle.

Thank you for the update. I will continue to pray that something gives and things shift in this terrible situation.

You are a good friend. Hugs!
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Beckyinbend Jun 2019
I have sent her cards and called her this was when she still let us see and talk to her daughter.
Something happened that spooked mom and she cut us off without any explanation.
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Our hope is to find someone to advocate for her and ask her what she wants ,
Her boyfriend knows he has no rights. But she does and she needs to know what they are.
Maybe at rehab she will be able to express her wishes.
The moral of this story is don’t wait to get married!!!
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The mother is isolating your friend. I'd call Social Services and file a complaint. Make the mother explain and provide evidence that isolating your friend is in your friend's best interest. I can't think of one instance or rationale for isolating her. Period.

I'm not buying that you have no recourse. Sorry for the blunt response. I'm ticked and ticked for you all.
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Beckyinbend May 2019
Thank you....you can imagine our frustration.
There is no good valid reason for the isolation except the mom wanting full control. She herself has an abusive, controlling husband.
My origional question was does having POA allow her to do this?
She does not have guardianship.

Origional prognosis......she would be on life support for the rest of her life. They were advised to remove life support and let her die.

They didn’t do that and within 3 months she was off of all life support! She has continued to improve and now her memory is her biggest issue. But she
does remember random things and things from her teens.
She’s very clever and very funny. Her past personality is there.
she says a lot “ I want my life back” meaning her life with him.

there will be a book about this some day, he writes beautifully about their relationship and his care for her.
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What kind of legal recourse? Sue the girl’s mother? What would be the charge?

There has to be more to this story. Does the patient live at this LTC facility due to her disability? What’s her prognosis? Does she have control of her bowel and bladder? The mother may not care for the boyfriend. Is he on a “no visit” list? Otherwise the mom can’t be there 24/7 to prevent it. What is the staff to do if he shows up? Is their a restraining order against him? Otherwise can’t he visit when he wants?

Can’t you just ask to meet with mom and ask her why?
I mean, that’s a pretty obvious start.

Is the boyfriend going to provide 24/7 care for his fiancé? If a person was anoxic for 30 minutes I am thinking she has lost some body function or motor function - does she feed herself?

The mother sounds protective over her daughter. Even the OP stated that so sort of answered their own question.

Try to work it out as adults and assure the mom the BF has good intentions.

Its been almost 2 years since her injury. How many times has she seen her fiancée?

I hope she improves.
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Beckyinbend May 2019
She has control of all bodily functions! She lives with mom and step dad. Her biggest struggle is with her memory she has no other limitations.
the reasons mom gives don’t make any sense.
She refused to talk to boyfriend. Trust me he has done nothing wrong regarding her or her care. Has always been very respectful of her mother. Until recently they got along just great.
all he wants is too see her or talk to her on the phone. He has made no demands.
Any woman would be so lucky to have him in their life.
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May I ask what was the cause of the brain injury?
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Beckyinbend May 2019
Cardiac arrest, 30 min to revive her Anoxic brain injury. Aug 2017
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So mom can continue to be mentally abusive and controlling and no one can do anything about it. Very sad....
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Where is the proof she’s being mentally abusive though? Did it occur to anyone that maybe she wants her daughter to focus on recovery? Has anyone talked to the mother and asked for an explanation?
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It might be good to challenge this, simply by turning up to see your friend, by yourself or with BF/fiance. My experience is that if you look ‘normal’ and walk in with confidence, you are unlikely to be stopped. It’s even less likely for security staff or police to be called. Make sure that you have letters to leave with or for your friend, just in case your own letters are being blocked.

Of course, if possible, you should first ask her mother why she has blocked all these visits. If it ‘seems best right now’, and there is a short time line for visits to be acceptable, you can wait out the problem.

If your brain-injured friend would actually like the visits, she needs to know why BF and friends are not turning up. I would stop worrying so much about saying something negative, and lay it on the line. If turning up provokes an incident with police etc, it will probably also lay it all on the line. Your friend is the person who needs to be making the decisions as far as is possible, not her mother.
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Beckyinbend May 2019
He did that on Monday, just showed up, walked in, no one was around. He saw her briefly and she him. She tried to get to him before someone saw him and said he would have to sign in. Upon doing that they checked a book and he was listed as not being able to see her. He didn’t even get to tell her good bye.

Mom was called....texted him that her seeing him would be a distraction to her therapy. Now that all sounds good and logical but he is more of an incentive for her to get better then a distraction.
hes 40 yrs old! She’s 38, these are not kids but adults, they should not be treated like this!
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It's probably legal, although adult protective services might pay them a visit if you can convince them that your brain injured friend is being prevented from desired socialization. On the other hand, how do you know, for sure, that is the case? If you haven't had contact with her how do you know she even wants to see these friends? Pops has a brain injury and the personality changes and memory loss made it very hard for him to socialize with people who knew him before the injury. It was very upsetting to him that they remembered things he didn't, that he couldn't remember their names and important shared memories. He wasn't sure if they were lying to him or not. I encouraged him to try, I "storied" him about the person who would be visiting or taking him out for lunch or something but it always left him very upset. It was easier for him to pretend for brief infrequent visits and there were a few people that he begged me to keep away from him. He doesn't even remember who I am, he knows I take care of him and that everyone says I'm his wife but he believes me to be different people depending on the situation. Sometimes he thinks I'm a stranger, sometimes I'm his mother, sometimes his daughter. Traumatic Brain Injury can be mild or it can be severe and can bring with it a whole host of issues that are unbelievably challenging. Adding old friends, dealing with social visits etc while still in the physical therapy stages may just be one thing more than they can deal with right now.
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I doubt APS will get involved. The friend is in a rehab facility. She’s Not being denied socialization. She’s not isolated.
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Are you or a friend the one wanting to visit her? I am confused based on responses.
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Beckyinbend May 2019
I live in Oregon, she’s in Texas. It’s her “” fiance” who wants to see her. He moved to Texas to be near her during her recovery but in Feb. mom cut off their communication. She even got daughter a new phone number! He was paying for her phone...he found this rehab facility for her. She was moved from Houston to Austin for. Rehab. He lives in Austin...
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Could you have flowers or an edible arrangement sent through a delivery service that requires giving it directly to her, maybe a singing telegram that says call me?

Have you tried talking to the mom from a position of wanting to be there for the entire family because you love her daughter and all of them, at least open the door to finding out what her aversions are based on. Maybe a lovely bouquet for mom.
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Beckyinbend May 2019
I have a box of little things ready to send her..I think the facility will have to give it too her.

Mom knows we love her daughter and would do anything for her!
and we have done a lot for her. I took care of her for 60 of the 120 days she was in the hospital in Seattle.

We dont understand why why the sudden change in mom.
Her excuses make NO sense.
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Is it possible to send her a letter? You could explain that everyone is praying for her and looking forward to being allowed to see her.

I can't understand isolating your loved one from their support group.

Maybe letting her know that it is not by choice that they are not around could help her. But brain injuries are very difficult, you never know how much damage has been done to the personality of the person and it could be a different person than you remember.

Send love anyway possible.
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Beckyinbend May 2019
I have written to her but doubt mom gave her the letters. However now that she is in a rehab facility I will send cards to her there. I have a “care pkg” ready to send her too.
I am very careful not to say anything negative just that I miss her and love her.
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Bummer thanks !
I’m very familiar with HIPPA.
i know staff can’t share information.
I don’t understand how mom can be so controlling and why.
If given the choice we know she would much rather he had POA then her mother.
They had to really coerce her to give mother POA,
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Why is mom stopping her friends from visiting? Is there a reason or just a scared mom being to protective?

More information will get you more answers.
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Beckyinbend May 2019
Scared mom being protective probably???
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Would she be considered competent with the brain injury? Not enough information to provide an answer. Would she want to change her POA? Is she able to state who she wants to see?
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Beckyinbend May 2019
She is very much able to say who she wants to see and she wants to see him.
They were engaged for 2 years before this happened.
he doesn’t know why mom is blocking him.
He stayed with her all 120 days she was in the hospital, raised over $20,000 for her continuing care. Moved half way across the US to be with her. (Family moved her from NW to Texas)
she doesn’t know that her
mother had blocked them from talking .
her main struggle is with memory she is able to do things like read and write, song and dance , dress and feed herself.
He had been nothing short of loving and caring to her .
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Yes, by the law and HIPPA the Drs cannot share any information with non-family members and mom has the right to say who can see her daughter and who can't and the medical staff have to go along with what mom says.

I am sorry for what you all are going through.
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Beckyinbend May 2019
So there is no legal recourse?
this is all just so wrong.
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