Would she be considered competent with the brain injury? Not enough information to provide an answer. Would she want to change her POA? Is she able to state who she wants to see?
She is very much able to say who she wants to see and she wants to see him. They were engaged for 2 years before this happened. he doesn’t know why mom is blocking him. He stayed with her all 120 days she was in the hospital, raised over $20,000 for her continuing care. Moved half way across the US to be with her. (Family moved her from NW to Texas) she doesn’t know that her mother had blocked them from talking . her main struggle is with memory she is able to do things like read and write, song and dance , dress and feed herself. He had been nothing short of loving and caring to her .
Could you have flowers or an edible arrangement sent through a delivery service that requires giving it directly to her, maybe a singing telegram that says call me?
Have you tried talking to the mom from a position of wanting to be there for the entire family because you love her daughter and all of them, at least open the door to finding out what her aversions are based on. Maybe a lovely bouquet for mom.
I have a box of little things ready to send her..I think the facility will have to give it too her.
Mom knows we love her daughter and would do anything for her! and we have done a lot for her. I took care of her for 60 of the 120 days she was in the hospital in Seattle.
We dont understand why why the sudden change in mom. Her excuses make NO sense.
I live in Oregon, she’s in Texas. It’s her “” fiance” who wants to see her. He moved to Texas to be near her during her recovery but in Feb. mom cut off their communication. She even got daughter a new phone number! He was paying for her phone...he found this rehab facility for her. She was moved from Houston to Austin for. Rehab. He lives in Austin...
It's probably legal, although adult protective services might pay them a visit if you can convince them that your brain injured friend is being prevented from desired socialization. On the other hand, how do you know, for sure, that is the case? If you haven't had contact with her how do you know she even wants to see these friends? Pops has a brain injury and the personality changes and memory loss made it very hard for him to socialize with people who knew him before the injury. It was very upsetting to him that they remembered things he didn't, that he couldn't remember their names and important shared memories. He wasn't sure if they were lying to him or not. I encouraged him to try, I "storied" him about the person who would be visiting or taking him out for lunch or something but it always left him very upset. It was easier for him to pretend for brief infrequent visits and there were a few people that he begged me to keep away from him. He doesn't even remember who I am, he knows I take care of him and that everyone says I'm his wife but he believes me to be different people depending on the situation. Sometimes he thinks I'm a stranger, sometimes I'm his mother, sometimes his daughter. Traumatic Brain Injury can be mild or it can be severe and can bring with it a whole host of issues that are unbelievably challenging. Adding old friends, dealing with social visits etc while still in the physical therapy stages may just be one thing more than they can deal with right now.
What kind of legal recourse? Sue the girl’s mother? What would be the charge?
There has to be more to this story. Does the patient live at this LTC facility due to her disability? What’s her prognosis? Does she have control of her bowel and bladder? The mother may not care for the boyfriend. Is he on a “no visit” list? Otherwise the mom can’t be there 24/7 to prevent it. What is the staff to do if he shows up? Is their a restraining order against him? Otherwise can’t he visit when he wants?
Can’t you just ask to meet with mom and ask her why? I mean, that’s a pretty obvious start.
Is the boyfriend going to provide 24/7 care for his fiancé? If a person was anoxic for 30 minutes I am thinking she has lost some body function or motor function - does she feed herself?
The mother sounds protective over her daughter. Even the OP stated that so sort of answered their own question.
Try to work it out as adults and assure the mom the BF has good intentions.
Its been almost 2 years since her injury. How many times has she seen her fiancée?
She has control of all bodily functions! She lives with mom and step dad. Her biggest struggle is with her memory she has no other limitations. the reasons mom gives don’t make any sense. She refused to talk to boyfriend. Trust me he has done nothing wrong regarding her or her care. Has always been very respectful of her mother. Until recently they got along just great. all he wants is too see her or talk to her on the phone. He has made no demands. Any woman would be so lucky to have him in their life.
The mother is isolating your friend. I'd call Social Services and file a complaint. Make the mother explain and provide evidence that isolating your friend is in your friend's best interest. I can't think of one instance or rationale for isolating her. Period.
I'm not buying that you have no recourse. Sorry for the blunt response. I'm ticked and ticked for you all.
Thank you....you can imagine our frustration. There is no good valid reason for the isolation except the mom wanting full control. She herself has an abusive, controlling husband. My origional question was does having POA allow her to do this? She does not have guardianship.
Origional prognosis......she would be on life support for the rest of her life. They were advised to remove life support and let her die.
They didn’t do that and within 3 months she was off of all life support! She has continued to improve and now her memory is her biggest issue. But she does remember random things and things from her teens. She’s very clever and very funny. Her past personality is there. she says a lot “ I want my life back” meaning her life with him.
there will be a book about this some day, he writes beautifully about their relationship and his care for her.
APS may be able to help. Tell them her rights are being violated. POA does not give Mom the right to cut off her daughters friends. Seems like the woman can make decisions of her own and she is not being allowed to. She also has the right to revoke the POA and give it to her BF. If she was under duress when she OKd the POA it may not be legal. I would like to know if there was a witness or notary present. She has a right to put her BF on her HIPPA forms.
You can call the Ombudsman too and have them investigate.
How do we find an ombudsman? when she signed the POA she really didn’t know what she was giving permission for. Doesn’t there have to be a notary present? i wonder if they videoed her? Mom was desperate to get POA to get her medical care. boyfriend was on the HIPPA form in Seattle.
What is her mother “scared” of by not allowing her daughter to see her friends? The daughter is in a rehab center. What’s going to happen when rehab is completed? Will she still need to be taken care of 24/7 ?
30 minutes with no oxygen to the brain during CPR....the person has no other deficits other than memory. Can she walk and shower with minimal supervision? Have Control of bowel & bladder?
Maybe her mother knows something you don’t about circumstances prior to this cardiac arrest. What was their relationship before ? ( mother & BF) Cordial? Was there even a relationship? Mother must have met the fiancé in the two years they were dating. I am thinking there is more to this story that meets the eye.
Why do you keep saying this is a Hallmark story waiting to become a movie someday? How they will be reunited and live happily ever after? No matter what, life is not a fairy tale.
Can the fiancé provide the care she will need after she leaves rehab? You said he travels extensively. My guess is there are years ahead of caregiving of some sort that she will need supervision at the least. How will that happen if the fiancé travels for work? What were her circumstances prior to the arrest? Did she have a job and was she self sufficient or did she depend on her mother a lot before all this happened? If so this can just be a normal extension of their relationship - mother & daughter. You and fiancé may not be aware of mother/daughter dynamics and how their relationship works. Her mother wants to protect her daughter from SOMETHING here- what is it?
You are in Oregon, she in Texas, so basically the info you have is third person.
Fiance should file for guardianship. He will have to prove he can take care of her. They aren’t married though, so it may be an uphill battle.
His guardianship application may prompt a mental health professional to perform psychological testing or have conversations with her to assess if she is deemed mentally capable of making decisions that effect her life. She can tell the psychiatrist how she feels. He, being a MD, can review her records and make suggestions based on her mental health status.
Her prognosis is important to determine long term care needs.
It would augment your Hallmark movie - “BF is Prince Charming and sweeps her out of rehab and they lived happily ever after”. Except life isn’t like that.
There may not be a happy storybook ending to this we know that! She left home at 16! What does that tell you ? neither parent went to visit her the 2 yrs she was in Seattle! She asked them to come all the time . Wanted mom to help her pick out a wedding dress, there was always an excuse.
As I stated before she can walk with no assistance, can read and write, shower, dress and feed herself, make herself something simple to eat. she was a great cook before this happened but now doesn’t have much interest in that. She loves to sing and dance! We saw her in Feb. that’s how I know how she was then. I assume with rehab she has progressed more!! can she be left alone? Don’t know she hasn’t been alone since this happened. HE has talked to attorneys about guardianship it’s very expensive and has to be renewed every year or two.
IF he were to get her to live with him he would change jobs to accommodate her. But for now all he wants is to be able to see and talk to her. He had a pretty good relationship with her mother through this until she pulled the communication plug in Feb. She was very independent had a job, before this. At one time she worked for Willie Nelson. He has always been very respectful to her parents (divorced) live in different states. We can only speculate what moms issues are because she won’t share them. He knew GF better than anyone in her family ! They were both in their mid 30s when they met, not kids, very independent. Very much in love!
It might be good to challenge this, simply by turning up to see your friend, by yourself or with BF/fiance. My experience is that if you look ‘normal’ and walk in with confidence, you are unlikely to be stopped. It’s even less likely for security staff or police to be called. Make sure that you have letters to leave with or for your friend, just in case your own letters are being blocked.
Of course, if possible, you should first ask her mother why she has blocked all these visits. If it ‘seems best right now’, and there is a short time line for visits to be acceptable, you can wait out the problem.
If your brain-injured friend would actually like the visits, she needs to know why BF and friends are not turning up. I would stop worrying so much about saying something negative, and lay it on the line. If turning up provokes an incident with police etc, it will probably also lay it all on the line. Your friend is the person who needs to be making the decisions as far as is possible, not her mother.
He did that on Monday, just showed up, walked in, no one was around. He saw her briefly and she him. She tried to get to him before someone saw him and said he would have to sign in. Upon doing that they checked a book and he was listed as not being able to see her. He didn’t even get to tell her good bye.
Mom was called....texted him that her seeing him would be a distraction to her therapy. Now that all sounds good and logical but he is more of an incentive for her to get better then a distraction. hes 40 yrs old! She’s 38, these are not kids but adults, they should not be treated like this!
Our hope is to find someone to advocate for her and ask her what she wants , Her boyfriend knows he has no rights. But she does and she needs to know what they are. Maybe at rehab she will be able to express her wishes. The moral of this story is don’t wait to get married!!!
They were engaged for 2 years before this happened.
he doesn’t know why mom is blocking him.
He stayed with her all 120 days she was in the hospital, raised over $20,000 for her continuing care. Moved half way across the US to be with her. (Family moved her from NW to Texas)
she doesn’t know that her
mother had blocked them from talking .
her main struggle is with memory she is able to do things like read and write, song and dance , dress and feed herself.
He had been nothing short of loving and caring to her .
Have you tried talking to the mom from a position of wanting to be there for the entire family because you love her daughter and all of them, at least open the door to finding out what her aversions are based on. Maybe a lovely bouquet for mom.
Mom knows we love her daughter and would do anything for her!
and we have done a lot for her. I took care of her for 60 of the 120 days she was in the hospital in Seattle.
We dont understand why why the sudden change in mom.
Her excuses make NO sense.
There has to be more to this story. Does the patient live at this LTC facility due to her disability? What’s her prognosis? Does she have control of her bowel and bladder? The mother may not care for the boyfriend. Is he on a “no visit” list? Otherwise the mom can’t be there 24/7 to prevent it. What is the staff to do if he shows up? Is their a restraining order against him? Otherwise can’t he visit when he wants?
Can’t you just ask to meet with mom and ask her why?
I mean, that’s a pretty obvious start.
Is the boyfriend going to provide 24/7 care for his fiancé? If a person was anoxic for 30 minutes I am thinking she has lost some body function or motor function - does she feed herself?
The mother sounds protective over her daughter. Even the OP stated that so sort of answered their own question.
Try to work it out as adults and assure the mom the BF has good intentions.
Its been almost 2 years since her injury. How many times has she seen her fiancée?
I hope she improves.
the reasons mom gives don’t make any sense.
She refused to talk to boyfriend. Trust me he has done nothing wrong regarding her or her care. Has always been very respectful of her mother. Until recently they got along just great.
all he wants is too see her or talk to her on the phone. He has made no demands.
Any woman would be so lucky to have him in their life.
I'm not buying that you have no recourse. Sorry for the blunt response. I'm ticked and ticked for you all.
There is no good valid reason for the isolation except the mom wanting full control. She herself has an abusive, controlling husband.
My origional question was does having POA allow her to do this?
She does not have guardianship.
Origional prognosis......she would be on life support for the rest of her life. They were advised to remove life support and let her die.
They didn’t do that and within 3 months she was off of all life support! She has continued to improve and now her memory is her biggest issue. But she
does remember random things and things from her teens.
She’s very clever and very funny. Her past personality is there.
she says a lot “ I want my life back” meaning her life with him.
there will be a book about this some day, he writes beautifully about their relationship and his care for her.
You can call the Ombudsman too and have them investigate.
when she signed the POA she really didn’t know what she was giving permission for. Doesn’t there have to be a notary present?
i wonder if they videoed her?
Mom was desperate to get POA to get her medical care.
boyfriend was on the HIPPA form in Seattle.
30 minutes with no oxygen to the brain during CPR....the person has no other deficits other than memory. Can she walk and shower with minimal supervision? Have Control of bowel & bladder?
Maybe her mother knows something you don’t about circumstances prior to this cardiac arrest.
What was their relationship before ? ( mother & BF) Cordial? Was there even a relationship? Mother must have met the fiancé in the two years they were dating.
I am thinking there is more to this story that meets the eye.
Why do you keep saying this is a Hallmark story waiting to become a movie someday? How they will be reunited and live happily ever after? No matter what, life is not a fairy tale.
Can the fiancé provide the care she will need after she leaves rehab? You said he travels extensively. My guess is there are years ahead of caregiving of some sort that she will need supervision at the least. How will that happen if the fiancé travels for work? What were her circumstances prior to the arrest? Did she have a job and was she self sufficient or did she depend on her mother a lot before all this happened? If so this can just be a normal extension of their relationship - mother & daughter. You and fiancé may not be aware of mother/daughter dynamics and how their relationship works. Her mother wants to protect her daughter from SOMETHING here- what is it?
You are in Oregon, she in Texas, so basically the info you have is third person.
Fiance should file for guardianship. He will have to prove he can take care of her. They aren’t married though, so it may be an uphill battle.
His guardianship application may prompt a mental health professional to perform psychological testing or have conversations with her to assess if she is deemed mentally capable of making decisions that effect her life. She can tell the psychiatrist how she feels. He, being a MD, can review her records and make suggestions based on her mental health status.
Her prognosis is important to determine long term care needs.
It would augment your Hallmark movie - “BF is Prince Charming and sweeps her out of rehab and they lived happily ever after”. Except life isn’t like that.
She left home at 16! What does that tell you ?
neither parent went to visit her the 2 yrs she was in Seattle! She asked them to come all the time . Wanted mom to help her pick out a wedding dress, there was always an excuse.
As I stated before she can walk with no assistance, can read and write, shower, dress and feed herself, make herself something simple to eat.
she was a great cook before this happened but now doesn’t have much interest in that. She loves to sing and dance! We saw her in Feb. that’s how I know how she was then. I assume with rehab she has progressed more!!
can she be left alone? Don’t know she hasn’t been alone since this happened.
HE has talked to attorneys about guardianship it’s very expensive and has to be renewed every year or two.
IF he were to get her to live with him he would change jobs to accommodate her. But for now all he wants is to be able to see and talk to her.
He had a pretty good relationship with her mother through this until she pulled the communication plug in Feb.
She was very independent had a job, before this.
At one time she worked for Willie Nelson.
He has always been very respectful to her parents (divorced) live in different states.
We can only speculate what moms issues are because she won’t share them.
He knew GF better than anyone in her family !
They were both in their mid 30s when they met, not kids, very independent.
Very much in love!
Of course, if possible, you should first ask her mother why she has blocked all these visits. If it ‘seems best right now’, and there is a short time line for visits to be acceptable, you can wait out the problem.
If your brain-injured friend would actually like the visits, she needs to know why BF and friends are not turning up. I would stop worrying so much about saying something negative, and lay it on the line. If turning up provokes an incident with police etc, it will probably also lay it all on the line. Your friend is the person who needs to be making the decisions as far as is possible, not her mother.
Mom was called....texted him that her seeing him would be a distraction to her therapy. Now that all sounds good and logical but he is more of an incentive for her to get better then a distraction.
hes 40 yrs old! She’s 38, these are not kids but adults, they should not be treated like this!
Her boyfriend knows he has no rights. But she does and she needs to know what they are.
Maybe at rehab she will be able to express her wishes.
The moral of this story is don’t wait to get married!!!
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