My dad 69 has gout and he don't watch his diet. If we tell him he can't eat certain food, he will scold us. I brought cherry extract for him and he go and find article that someone drink cherry juice and die. So means he think I am trying to kill him? I read that article, it's a ban cherry juice illegal sold at a cheap price. The one I brought for him cost $50 from pharmacy. Every year or two, he will have a severe gout since he never control his diet. Then he will yell all night that we cannot sleep. If the pain don't stop, he will say he want to go hospital (sometimes in the middle of the night, emergency need to wait the entire night). Depends on the doctor, sometimes he will be given pain killer and asked to go home. Sometimes will be hospitalize and do all sort of scan and found nothing (everyday have to visit him). I am very tired to serve him. Feel like I will die before him. Not sure what should I do?

Tiredoflife, you are living with one foot in Asian culture, and the other foot in Western culture! I can't imagine what that's like, and I have much sympathy for you. Aging parents in any culture can be demanding and bossy, and nearly impossible to care for. You are young, and naturally want your own life and career, but those cultural barriers are an obstacle that is difficult to overcome.

Is there a significant Asian population where you live? Can you find an agency that can provide care services from aides that fall within your ethnic group? That may be easier for your parents to accept, and might enable you to get out on your own.

I found an excellent report on this subject. It's a long read, but you may find some comfort in knowing that you are not alone in this struggle:

Peace be with you on this journey.
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Reply to PeeWee57

tiredoflife, whether it's a cultural thing or not, I think every child who comes upon this point with their parents ponders this responsibility. For one thing, if your father hasn't made provision financially and legally for his own care, you cannot be expected to make up for that deficit. And if he did not/won't assign you or anyone legal durable Power of Attorney you will be very limited in how you can help and represent him during his care, making a difficult job needlessly more difficult. FYI caregivers do suffer a higher percentage of health problems than the average person. I would start with the conversation about him designating someone as PoA to enable them to legally act in his own best interests (when he is no longer able). If he is resistant to this, I would work to get him placed in a facility where he will get proper medical care and be in a community of people. It will be hard, but the inevitable train wreck that is coming will be much worse. Blessings and peace to you!
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Reply to Geaton777

I think the OP may be referring to a different culture, and to the expectations for filial piety within it that derive from the Confucian ideology. There's no real equivalent in Western traditions, although the expectation that adult children will care for parents is still a strong expectation here. I don't think any of us can answer the question about filial expectations unless we grew up in the doctrines of Confucianism. Just my .02.

OP, I wish you luck with your father and hope you find solutions that will allow you to live a rewarding life as well as fulfilling your obligations to your father as you see them.
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Reply to CarlaCB

Filial responsibility is legal term for the duty owed by an adult child for his parents' necessities of life. ... Many states have laws that require adult children to be financially responsible for their parents' necessities of life when the parents don't have the means to pay for them on their own. Often they are not enforced.

States with filial responsibility laws are: Alaska, Arkansas, California, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Idaho, Indiana, Iowa, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maryland, Massachusetts, Mississippi, Montana, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Dakota.

You need to establish boundaries on what you will do for dad and what you will not. Let him deal with his gout on his own. He is young, you must be in your 40's? Is there a reason you are living with dad? You deserve your own life, go find it.
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Reply to gladimhere
tiredoflife Feb 16, 2020
I am 30's. I wanted to move out 4 years back but Asian culture is like conservative. And have this guilt that I am like ditching them when I grew up. Not just my dad, my mum also doesn't have much hobby and is bored at home. Btw, she doesn't really know how to take public transport by herself. They really require a lot of attention.
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