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I'm resigning as my Mom's POA. Mom has Middle stages Alzheimers. I'm in Florida, and an only child. She has no friends or anyone in the family who would agree to take this on. This is affecting my health (anxiety, vertigo for starters), affecting my personal life, and all for an emotionally abusive Mother that was never there for me anyway. Does anyone have experience on the other side of this? Like once you were taken off as POA, how did you feel? Did things get easier? Did you stay in touch with the parent, etc? I'm in tears everyday (not at all like me..), my Mom is behaving horribly, but only around me. I think it's called "pushing my buttons"....


I got her to a safe place in an ALF 2 years ago. I want to now resign as POA and let a state appointed guardian take over and do what she needs.

You can bail on the POA but you can also Just go NO CONTACT. Courts assign guardians all the time. You think these appointed folks go to the NH every day and get the crap beat out of them by angry old folks? No they don’t. Unlash yourself from the whipping post.

You can remain as poa, handle her finances etc but there’s no earthly reason to go visit or speak with her. And tell the facility to not even call you unless is a REALLY important issue. Like start hospice or something.

I dealt with my angry mom from three states away. Saw her every 2 or 3 months. Phone call once a month. Texted or called staff once or twice a week to keep tabs on mom and dad.
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Judy79 Jan 28, 2020
I like your idea.
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With some parents you are damned if you do, damned if you don’t. So do what you want to do for you because clearly nothing will make her happy. Why should you be miserable along with her?

Wishing you peace and happiness.
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Loris15 Jan 28, 2020
Very true, she claims to be a positive person, yet she’s always been miserable, complaining yet not doing anything to help herself. I checked out from her emotionally, long ago...
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NO is a whole sentence. Say NO, make the change needed for your life, and stand firm. Many of us like you out here have gone thru this..best wishes.
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If this is what it takes for inner peace.....do it. Life is far to short to sacrifice your time, patience and overall well being for someone who is abusive. She is in a safe place......now you find yours.
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She wants to be free people..who cares if she has no say? Go for it and have a life! If you died tomorrow it would be the same situation for your "mom". Being POA is hard enough and a rock around the neck if the parent is abusive.
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Loris15 Jan 31, 2020
My friend said the same thing the other day. I’m an only child and Mom has no one else to step in. And being stressed out and traveling a lot for work, if something ever happens to me, there is no one.
another reason for court appointed guardian.
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I think that you are spot on walking away. It sounds like she has always devoured you. Enough is enough.

All you need to do to resign is do a resignation letter. No attorney required. A simple as of date, I will no longer be the DPOA for name. Date, sign and send. That is it.

I bet if you read the entire document there is some clause about no longer being the POA.

You have done the best you can, it is okay to walk away and have a life free from her hatefulness. This is her choice, she could have been decent to you. You are nobody's scratching post.

It does get easier to not be the solution, especially when you fill your time with loving, appreciative people. You will wonder why you waited so long.

Go have a beautiful life and mourn the loss of the mother you never had.
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Loris15 Jan 25, 2020
Thank you so much for the kind words. I really do want to have a life finally (at age 57..!). My life has been on hold for years as I’ve been “on call” for whatever she needs at any moment.
my concern has been that she will blame me if she is placed in a shared room Medicaid NH.
but I was going to have to put her there in about a year anyway, due to finances. So I was really only delaying the rage from her that I will no doubt receive no matter what I do..
Being made to feel guilty for being born is a huge weight to put on a child and an adult..
when you’re raised by this you come to somehow think it’s normal for a Mom to treat you this way. Until you see what a normal mother daughter relationship should look like, then you’re just left feeling empty and cheated of the life you deserved.
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You will need to go to an elder law attorney to make certain your mother is protected if, as you say, there is no one else. The attorney will see to it that the State takes over as guardian if your mother is in an unsafe condition. It isn't as easy as saying "I quit. Once you do this, you are free of that obligation, and that's a good thing. Do know that at that point you will have nothing to say about your mother's disposition. That is to say if the state appointed guardian feels your mother's ALF is costing too much and she should be moved to another place, and you don't like that place, you will have nothing to say in the matter whatsoever. The guardian will be in charge. However, this does free you of this financial and legal obligation, and frees you to be just a loving daughter for the remainder of your mother's time on earth. I am in complete agreement that you should do this, as the current state of affairs is not working. Do know that as her POA you can also HIRE someone to do things, and that when Mom complains you could say "Oh, I have nothing to say about that; Ezmerelda takes care of that". Vertigo should not have anything to do with this, though anxiety certainly does. Get a good ear and throat specialist as you may have inner ear stuff going on and that can last years, with or without Mom in the picture. Try to visit less. Go gray rock when you do. Leave early. Keep it loving and less often.
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Geaton777 Jan 25, 2020
Alva, my own BPPV does seem to come back a little when I have a lot of stress. I'm not sure why and it's not enough to disable me (like the first time I had it) but it makes me feel spacey, though not totally dizzy or spinny, and especially more noticeable in the dark. I've been to every type of specialist and had every type of test to discount any other cause. It's a weird thing, but stress does "activate" it somewhat for me. Then it goes away on its own
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I talked to the attorney that drew up POA and resigned. Gave him the specific reasons I wanted assigned to trust officer at her bank and it was changed. Trust officer did an excellent job.
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Loris15 Jan 30, 2020
Was your Mom incompetent at that time?
i think that’s where this will get tricky. It turns into a court thing and the state having to declare her incompetent. Didn’t know all this when I signed on...
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I can see Pro’s and Con’s here. You would be free of your Mother’s demands - unless you plan to visit and/or call her anyway - then what have you gained? You could stay POA and have Zero Contact with her, do all of her financial business with the facility.

The issue with State Guardianship is that they have thousands of patients. Your Mother just adds one more. You would still be No Contact, unless you wanted to visit and/or call.

So, Maybe it’s more a question of do you want to cut off contact with your Mother? It sounds like you certainly are entitled to. But you can do that whether you are POA or not.

I hope this helped clarify things a bit :)
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rovana Jan 30, 2020
I am wondering if one actually can go no contact and still serve competently as POA?
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If you resign as her PoA (and I'm not sure what that process is) then the county she is residing in will become her guardian. Once this happens you will no longer have access to or be informed of any medical or financial business of hers. You will have no say in what facility they put her in (yes, they can move her). The guardians are not adversarial so will welcome any input from you about her food, music, entertainment preferences, or they will contact you seeking this type of info. You will be able to visit her, call her, etc. She will be on Medicaid if she isn't already. If she's not on Medicaid now, they will move her to a Medicaid bed, which means she will be in a shared room always. They will take care of cremating her and contact you to see if you want her remains, unless you tell them otherwise in advance. This is what happened with my stepFIL. Another option is to hire a professional Power of Attorney (which I think is usually an attorney of some sort) but this costs money that you or she will need to pay, and if no one is watching this person, abuse can occur.
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Loris15 Jan 25, 2020
She would have to go on Full ICP Medicaid within a year anyway, I have been trying to delay this for her, to keep her happy as long as possible. Buts it’s taking a toll on my health. She won’t be happy no matter where I put her at this point. She believes there’s nothing wrong with her and calls everyone at ALF “crippled “....
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