I'm resigning as my mom's POA. Need to know others' experience with the process.

We had our person threaten to "fire" us as POA.  We assured her that if she did that, we would never, ever resume those duties.  Ever.  No matter what.  Once we're out, we're out.  This calmed her down.  She really does not have anyone else who can do this for her.   All parties know this.  Upset as we were, we did look into resigning as POA, but decided that doing so would not really solve our problem and we dedicated ourselves to figuring out what the true problem really was and attempted to manage it.  We also do limit contact at times.  This helps, but every family is different.  Knock on wood, this has worked somewhat well for our situation.  Just be as sure as you can that resigning as POA will truly resolve the issues at hand.  Maybe ask an attorney or go over it out loud with someone you trust.

Loris, when I originally answered I didn't know your mom is adjudged incompetent. This means she is unable to appoint another POA and she did when she was competent appoint you. I think it best you consult an elder law attorney. Your Mom may well now need a court appointed guardian. Do know that if this happens you will have NO say in anything about her, where she is placed, how her funds are managed and etc. Be careful. See a lawyer. Wishing you luck and hope you update us. Please free yourself of what is an onerous burden and free yourself to love her, rather than manage her. I know from having become Trustee and POA for my bro that it can CHANGE your relationship. After a year we have survived and can laugh again, but we were VERY close for all our 77 and 85 years respectively. Being POA changes things. No question.

She wants to be free people..who cares if she has no say? Go for it and have a life! If you died tomorrow it would be the same situation for your "mom". Being POA is hard enough and a rock around the neck if the parent is abusive.

How are you doing, Loris. I wish you well. I hope you are at peace. You deserve to be happy.

I can see Pro’s and Con’s here. You would be free of your Mother’s demands - unless you plan to visit and/or call her anyway - then what have you gained? You could stay POA and have Zero Contact with her, do all of her financial business with the facility.

The issue with State Guardianship is that they have thousands of patients. Your Mother just adds one more. You would still be No Contact, unless you wanted to visit and/or call.

So, Maybe it’s more a question of do you want to cut off contact with your Mother? It sounds like you certainly are entitled to. But you can do that whether you are POA or not.

I hope this helped clarify things a bit :)

If she's in mid-stage Alzheimer's, she probably shouldn't be in assisted living. She should be in memory care.

I agree with the person who suggested you continue to have POA with no contact. Handing her over to the state should be an absolutely last resort.

I talked to the attorney that drew up POA and resigned. Gave him the specific reasons I wanted assigned to trust officer at her bank and it was changed. Trust officer did an excellent job.

Resigning is a very good idea. Does she have an attorney - some of the posters on this forum can explain how to go about officially resigning.

If this is what it takes for inner peace.....do it. Life is far to short to sacrifice your time, patience and overall well being for someone who is abusive. She is in a safe place......now you find yours.

With some parents you are damned if you do, damned if you don’t. So do what you want to do for you because clearly nothing will make her happy. Why should you be miserable along with her?

Wishing you peace and happiness.

NO is a whole sentence. Say NO, make the change needed for your life, and stand firm. Many of us like you out here have gone thru this..best wishes.

That's what my mom does! I like Windyridge's idea, which is the approach I'm taking now - without a POA.

You can bail on the POA but you can also Just go NO CONTACT. Courts assign guardians all the time. You think these appointed folks go to the NH every day and get the crap beat out of them by angry old folks? No they don’t. Unlash yourself from the whipping post.

You can remain as poa, handle her finances etc but there’s no earthly reason to go visit or speak with her. And tell the facility to not even call you unless is a REALLY important issue. Like start hospice or something.

I dealt with my angry mom from three states away. Saw her every 2 or 3 months. Phone call once a month. Texted or called staff once or twice a week to keep tabs on mom and dad.

I think that you are spot on walking away. It sounds like she has always devoured you. Enough is enough.

All you need to do to resign is do a resignation letter. No attorney required. A simple as of date, I will no longer be the DPOA for name. Date, sign and send. That is it.

I bet if you read the entire document there is some clause about no longer being the POA.

You have done the best you can, it is okay to walk away and have a life free from her hatefulness. This is her choice, she could have been decent to you. You are nobody's scratching post.

It does get easier to not be the solution, especially when you fill your time with loving, appreciative people. You will wonder why you waited so long.

Go have a beautiful life and mourn the loss of the mother you never had.

If you resign as her PoA (and I'm not sure what that process is) then the county she is residing in will become her guardian. Once this happens you will no longer have access to or be informed of any medical or financial business of hers. You will have no say in what facility they put her in (yes, they can move her). The guardians are not adversarial so will welcome any input from you about her food, music, entertainment preferences, or they will contact you seeking this type of info. You will be able to visit her, call her, etc. She will be on Medicaid if she isn't already. If she's not on Medicaid now, they will move her to a Medicaid bed, which means she will be in a shared room always. They will take care of cremating her and contact you to see if you want her remains, unless you tell them otherwise in advance. This is what happened with my stepFIL. Another option is to hire a professional Power of Attorney (which I think is usually an attorney of some sort) but this costs money that you or she will need to pay, and if no one is watching this person, abuse can occur.

You will need to go to an elder law attorney to make certain your mother is protected if, as you say, there is no one else. The attorney will see to it that the State takes over as guardian if your mother is in an unsafe condition. It isn't as easy as saying "I quit. Once you do this, you are free of that obligation, and that's a good thing. Do know that at that point you will have nothing to say about your mother's disposition. That is to say if the state appointed guardian feels your mother's ALF is costing too much and she should be moved to another place, and you don't like that place, you will have nothing to say in the matter whatsoever. The guardian will be in charge. However, this does free you of this financial and legal obligation, and frees you to be just a loving daughter for the remainder of your mother's time on earth. I am in complete agreement that you should do this, as the current state of affairs is not working. Do know that as her POA you can also HIRE someone to do things, and that when Mom complains you could say "Oh, I have nothing to say about that; Ezmerelda takes care of that". Vertigo should not have anything to do with this, though anxiety certainly does. Get a good ear and throat specialist as you may have inner ear stuff going on and that can last years, with or without Mom in the picture. Try to visit less. Go gray rock when you do. Leave early. Keep it loving and less often.

In regards to your vertigo, have you been checked for BPPV? It's common as people get older. It's easy to be evaluated. It's easy to resolve. In fact, it's not that hard to evaluate and resolve it yourself. Some people suffer with vertigo due to BPPV for weeks. One quick repositioning maneuver later, they are cured.

I understand the stress this is causing you. Think this through completely. Once state appointed guardian is in place you will have absolutely no say in mom's care or anything else. Are you sure this is what you want?

You could hire, on mom's dime. a geriatric care manager to handle the day-to-day with minimal involvement on your part.