What do you do when your loved ones ways are set in STONE?
I understand that, at 87 years old, my Mom's way of thinking is going to pretty much be set in STONE. It's me that needs the help because I'm going crazy with her attitude towards life! My Mom is a blamer and is so bitter and resentful. She says "the world has made her that way". She is in good health, has NO dementia, and gets around well. My Dad treated her like and angel for 53 years until he died. We grew up on a family farm and she rarely ever had to work outside the home. My siblings and I are rebellious teenage years, but otherwise we're pretty normal. I have had deep discussions with her until I'm blue in the face on being grateful & thankful. But there's no changing her. Any advice on how I can save my sanity? She has so much to be grateful for! She lives in a tiny home we built her about 250 feet away from my house. My siblings are all 1000 miles away and have the same attitude as she does. So... no support there. I am super grateful to have JESUS walking with me, but I don't want my Mom to die with this bitter attitude and it also is affecting my own happiness. No, she's not going to move, or seek counseling (nor can I afford it) in case anyone wants to suggest that. I just need a little support, I guess. Thanks!
Obviously, she is living too close to you, so you need to set some boundaries and stick to them to save your sanity.
Back way off in the time you spend with her.
Spend your time with people who are like you....upbeat and positive.
You might be able to get some free counseling for you at the church.
Some people aren't happy unless they're miserable. It's unfortunate but yes, you won't change her at this age, so don't bother trying. All of your blue in the face talks just cause her to dig further in, because that's the way she wants to be. So spend your time with people who appreciate you.
If she does reach a point at which she needs caregiving, and she complains about it, be straightforward and tell her that she's clearly unhappy with the current situation, so she needs to go to assisted living, where she's have a new and larger audience for her complaints -- but that audience will get to shut her off while they take care of other responsibilities, and then go home and away from her at the end of their shift.
Bottom line: don't let toxic people invade your life and bring you down.
Does she go to church?
Maybe a pastor or someone close to her age from the church could stop by and visit her once a week.
That trying to change others is such a waste of time and energy.
And if this is her outlook on life, your being "at her" with the grateful things is going to infuriate her.
Leave her be.
At most tell her you are sorry it's a bad day or you are sorry things have been tough or you are so sorry she feels that way.
Stop arguing with her and leave her to her own perspective would be my advice. The more you fight it the worse it will get would be my guess.
You need to accept Mom for who she is .
Some never get over the loss of a spouse . Some old people get bitter and angry for a lot of reasons , loneliness , missing a spouse , losing friends that die also .
You can’t force someone to feel grateful . Your Mom lost her Prince who “ treated her like an angel “. My mother was also a negative person who had it good , didn’t work , husband treated her well. It’s called being spoiled . That being said , your mother has every right to be in a bad mood and grieve her losses . I’ve seen many times over in my family , that the ones that had a charmed life had the hardest time with the losses of aging .
My in laws could not believe that they got old and frail at the age of 88. !!!
Turn a deaf ear to some of it when possible . Perhaps you could go to counseling to deal with your feelings about Mom . Not everyone can be as upbeat about life as you are . I know you mean well , but ….You can’t make someone else be happy .
I hope you find peace and keep your sanity .
You're way too enmeshed with your mom. It's not up to you to keep her happy. That's her job. It's not up to you to make her grateful. If she isn't, she isn't. The picture I see here is that you've put yourself out by taking her onto your property and building her a perfect little house, you've upset your way of life for her, coddled her, thought you could make it up to her for the loss of her husband who treated her like a perhaps undeserving queen, and she's still a bitter old woman. Shame on you! It must be your fault because SHE says so!
You and husband bought into the nonsense that multigenerational living is the way to keep elders happy, keep an eye on them, and have fun fun fun as a happy family should. You're THERE for them. They should ADORE you for it. We get lots of people on here who regret living in the multigenerational household that they thought would work out well "because we LOVE her!" As an elder myself, I can assure you that living in a lovely tiny house on one of my kids' properties would make me miserable. And I love my kids.
I live in a retirement community where people like your mom are busy, optimistic, entertained, lively, happy, and fulfilled. There are plenty of activities. Swimming, golf, hiking, quilting, book clubs, traveling, cooking clubs, table decor clubs, volunteering, dance classes, neighborhood parties, yoga, pet clubs, ham radio, woodworking, walking, gardening, exercise. Eighty and ninety year olds play golf and pickleball. It is not inevitable that we get bitter or that attitudes are set in stone. These are some of the most involved and active people you'll ever meet.
Get mom into an assisted living where she'll have something to do with people her age. Sitting around and complaining to you all day is not helpful to either of you. Don't be so available. Let her stew in her own juice while you're looking at ALs where mom could be happy. Enlist husband's help. This is no way for you to live! You deserve happiness at this time in your lives, not a millstone around your neck!
Just except Mom the way she is. Set boundaries and do what you can or want to do. Ignore her. Look up "gray rock method".
With my 95-yr old Mom who lives next door to me, I try to redirect the conversation by not acknowleding at all any negative talk or criticism or conspiracy thinking. If I don't succeed, I pretend I'm getting an "important call" then put the phone to my ear and run out. Don't waste any emotional energy on trying to convince her of anything. Put energy into getting her diagnosed and on medication for depression and/or anxiety.
May you receive peace in your heart on this journey, and do not feel guilty about anything since you're doing your best. Make sure to do lots of self-care and make yourself a priority.