Moved in with my parents 5 months ago to take care of my mom (87) after several knee infections and surgeries. My dad is 92 and had been doing everything in the house and caring for her without any help.My dad is a narcissist in every sense of the word. He controls everything-it’s impossible to have a conversation with him because he goes off into a screaming rage if he doesn’t like what you say. To say he is mean is an understatement. They have been married for 66 years so the dynamics will never change. I asked for POA but my dad refuses. I take care of my moms medical needs as far as following doctors orders etc., but when my mom is agreeable to speak to the doctor about an issue BUT is left alone with my dad SUDDENLY she changes her mind! He wants to control me too, which isn’t going to happen because I’ve been married to a narcissist! Basically, I’m just the maid in the housekeeper and my mom‘s personal nurse except for I’m not allowed to talk or have an opinion! I have a brother that lives around the corner from them, but he says I’m only living with them so they’ll give me their house and I’m stealing their money! My sister lives out of state and does come and help and also is very supportive. It’s very shocking and overwhelming to understand and realize what kind of person my dad really is. Wondering if anyone else has had this type of experience and can share how they are dealing with it.
First, ask yourself some questions:
Did your parents take care of their own aging parents at the prime of their lives?
Why didn't Dad hire a caregiver and housekeeper for Mom after her surgeries?
Obviously you moving in their home has upset his dictatorship he's had for 66 years. He runs the show in his own home. He doesn't appreciate your help.
I would leave and go back home, instead of tolerate being used by a screaming tyrant. What do you do for your own income? How long did you expect to live there? Were any of these things discussed before you moved in?
You need to be working and saving for your own future. You need to be living your own life, not being a unpaid servant. The first time Dad exploded would have been when you left. He knows he can get away with it now.
Most of all....you are spending time that you will never get back.
You have no questions for us, which is good, because other than 1) choosing to have your own life and not sacrifice yourself on the burning funeral pyre of your parents, or 2) continuing as you are-- I just don't HAVE an answer.
Many make the choice to care-give as you are doing. As many choose to leave.
Your parents have had their lives. Now they will use their last years consuming yours. Because that's who they are, and likely always were. You'll meet others on Forum who have chosen as you have, and you can share sympathy/empathy.
But in the end this comes down to choice. There are no good ones. There are no choices that don't have a good deal of pain involved. If you stay you won't get the thanks of anyone, least of all thanks of your parents.
Were this me I would tell my parents that I am very sorry, but I will be leaving their home to have my own life (or they leaving MY home) on ___________insert date.
If they are helpless and at risk, in need of care I would report them to APS and allow state guardianship to manage their lives; their caregivers are paid.
Only you can make decisions for your life. . And only you can decide how it will go for you. But you are absolutely correct in guessing there are many who have made your choice.
I can only wish you the very best and tell you that I am so sorry for your pain.
Accepting how it is comes before setting boundaries to look after yourself. They have lived like this for 66 years so, as you know, they aren't going to change. Look after yourself first.
Go back to your own life and if there is anything you can do, do it from a distance. I wish you the best in this very difficult situation.
If it's to protect your parents from themselves and keep them in their home until they pass: good luck with that with a sick & cognitively impaired Mother, an uncooperative/raging Father, no PoA, for either, and a suspicious (ie: greedy) sibling who is worried about his inheritance. You will be burned out in no time — even if helping them is a noble cause. It's not enough.
"No good deed goes unpunished."
If the goal is to provide appropriate care in a way that doesn't burn out you and your sister, then you don't "deal with" the hot mess ad nauseum that's going on right now. You need to figure out a way to get legal control (of at least your Mom) and move her into a facility (if she can afford one). And eventually get appropriate care for our Dad.
If no one is a competent PoA (because your Dad is NOT) then you can call and report them to APS... BUT you live with them so nothing will happen. If you step completely back (ie move out) and use the strategy of reporting them to APS then they will get on the county's radar and will be on a track for a court-assigned 3rd party legal guardian. Then the county will be responsible to manage their care and finances. But they will still be your parents and you will still be able to carry on any relationship with them, but just not making their medical and financial decisions.
I don't know what other options exist that works for everyone. Sometimes the only solution is the least bad option.
Caregiving needs to happen on the caregiver's terms. Anything less will lead to burnout.
Think about a realist goal, then think about what would feel like a viable solution to you, Then come back here and post it.
You often hear that a girl will marry someone like their father and here you went and did just that. Things that make you go hmmm....
Hopefully you've learned your lesson there, and hopefully you will learn that family dysfunction runs deep and not everything can be fixed.
Time to cut your losses, move out and get on with your life as far away as possible from all the dysfunction.
There are two kinds of people that I refuse to be involved with after being too kind, too understanding, too hopeful that they'd change (with help from me, of course). One is narcissists. The other is addicts. Neither has any hope of recovering, except possibly an addict who is motivated, but they seldom are. You are stuck in a hard place and that's why I advise you to walk.
"But what will they do? How will they manage without ME?" Good questions. Time to find out. If you're not there, something will happen, not of your doing. They are then someone else's problem and you won't care. Basically, if you stay, you're their enabler who prevents the solution. And you can't - and shouldn't - be the solution.
I wish I could frame this where you could come out the hero, but there are too many obstacles for that. I'm sorry.
If your dad is no longer able to keep up with what your mother needs, you can report to APS that they are an elderly couple living alone in need of help.
Is your dad abusive to your mother also? If so, you need to report that too.
I agree that your mom needs help but she is not accepting it as much as he isn’t. She is making a decision and it is to allow him to do what he does. They will live out that dynamic. Sounds like you have to let them. Go see them briefly when you can. Help in an absolute emergency. Take care of you. We cannot give up our lives totally in a good situation, let alone one in which we are not seen or heard.
You are right and you are just a housekeeper and nurse to your mother. You have gone from being their daughter to being their servant and it's not worth it even if you're being paid. It's not worth it to save a house or to ensure an inheritance after they pass. Nothing makes it worth it. I know because I moved back with my mother for a while. She was needing a bit of help and it was really my only option and I became a servant. An abused servant who was treated with less regard than something you'd flush down a toilet.
Get out of there as fast as you can. Unfortunately, some crisis will probably have to happen like a fall or an illness and that will force your father to put her in a nursing home or to accept a lot of homecare help. They are probably like many elders who won't "allow" anyone but one of their adult kids that they choose to come in and do what they need. If you remain there covering everything for them and catering to the stubbornness, they won't even entertain the possibility of outside help.
This is why you have to make a plan and go. Ask the local police to do wellness checks on them and give a call to APS and tell them what's going on. Then you go. Don't ruin your life by continuing to be their servant because you don't get the time back. It's not worth it.
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