Help! I'm unhappy around my father.

I've actually lived in Tennessee for 30+ years. My parents live in florida. I would come visit as often as work/ home schedule would allow me. In November 2021 my mother passed away . I have 2 brothers , one is worthless and the other is always working and lives out of state. In 2020 I had double scoliosis surgery from my neck to my tailbone with 2 titanium rods and 38 screws and anchors in each hip. So in early 2021 I received ssdi. So with me not working I was the one who got voted to be with my father. He can't walk well has to use a walker and can't drive. So for 2 years I've been with him. At first I ignored him because I knew he was grieving. But now I can't. I've talked to him about it but it doesn't help. He uses the n word which drives me totally nuts. He doesn't want to do anything or meet anyone. I have no friends here and family is in Tennessee. I'm the full caregiver for him and I'm totally exhausted. I would never hurt him he's my father.

Your father’s condition has become the center of your life. This type of caregiving is consuming all of your time and energy.

Primary caregivers get lost in the process of caregiving and forget about their own needs.

Have you considered hiring outside help or looking at facilities for him to live?

If he is placed in a facility, then you can return to being his daughter and also be an advocate for him in his facility.

Wishing you peace as you continue to care for your dad.

I use to run a Lot of errands and was Outside a Lot .

Flents ear Plugs and ear buds

You being with him 24/7 has to stop immediately. If you are not willing to put him in a nursing home or move into another place away from him, then there has to be outside help coming in.
Adult daycare a few days a week and homecare. If daycare isn't an option, then at least bring in homecare to give you a break from him so you can have some kind of a life away from him and caregiving.

Please take my advice. I was a caregiver for 25 years mostly to elderly people. Being in a 24/7 caregiver situation even with a needy elder who is pleasant and nice is high risk for potential elder abuse.
Being in it with a person who is nasty, innappropriate, hates everyone, and is negative that is the perfect storm.

If dad has dementia sometimes things like this happen.
"Filters" that allow us to live in "polite" society get dropped. So some people that never used foul language will start swearing, some will expose themselves, others will wander into someone else's house (or room in a facility).
You mention dad had a stroke so Vascular Dementia is a possibility.
If dad is fully cognizant then you can tell him that language like that is unacceptable but I have a feeling that he "won't get it" and will continue.
If that is the case YOU are the one that needs to change your outlook and accept that this is what he does now.
You can leave the room if it upsets you as long as it is safe for you to do so.
To relieve yourself and to also give him a break if there is an Adult Day Program in your area get him involved.
Or if dad has the funds to pay for a caregiver have one come in for a few hours a few days a week.

Rhoda great big hugs,

Dad needs some help perhaps with a chemical adjustment. Let’s face it, no one is going to want to be around him the way he is now. Possibly a neurologist or even his primary might be able to adjust his meds.

While you figure it out, try to focus on the fact that you are a mom and not just a daughter. Soak up some love wherever you can find it. Lift up your face and smile.

Recently there was a study done comparing running to an antidepressant and they came in as a tie. I can personally vouch for walking working to lift spirits and there are many other benefits. Even if it’s just a quick 10 min walk several times a day it can make a big difference in your mood and health. Please don’t neglect your own health care.

I think earphones connected to an uplifting podcast while you do your chores can sometimes drown out the static and shift your focus. You might try a great playlist of music that you and dad both enjoy every now and then. Try tuning out his words while you tend to his needs.

I hope you feel better soon so you can make some changes in your life.

A book I’m reading now is Build the Life You Want, The Art and Science of Getting Happier by Arthur C. Brooks. He teaches courses on happiness at Harvard.


Sorry for this situation that led you to the forum but welcome. We are caregivers from many past experiences. We try to offer a response we hope will be helpful. Let us know what helps YOU to encourage our efforts. We do care.

Was your Dad always this way, or is this new?
Why are you with your dad 24/7?
Did you move in with Dad?
Did Dad move in with you?
Does Dad have any dementia?

What are your plans to make changes in your life so that you are not with an unhappy man 24/7?
You are an adult, so you are responsible now for your choices. It is up to you to make the changes for a quality life. It will surely take you a while, step by step, but you have to start somewhere, and now is good a time to make that start as any.

Do tell us more so we can give you, perhaps, some clues how to start moving forward to make life better for yourself.
Meanwhile we can say little but send the usual meaningless thoughts and prayers platitudes. While they are better than nothing, they don't really help you much.
I do wish you good luck.

A stroke often causes dementia which causes an elder to use inappropriate language and become difficult to deal with in general. Sounds like it's time to explore managed care options for dad, with Medicaid if funds are an issue, so you can take your life back.

Your life is important too. Please don't lose sight of that. 24/7 care for a parent is often unmanageable for most human beings.

We have to help ourselves in life, and you've taken a first step toward doing that by asking for help. What you will almost certainly hear from this site is to get out of there!

Is there some reason why you THINK you must stay? Have you lived with him all your life and become dependent on him financially and for housing?

What else is going on?

You're not responsible for dad's happiness, only your own. Think about that and get back to us, please.

Sending good wishes.

His medical situation is out of your control. It will likely get worse. You will stress out being his 24/7 caregiver. You need help, and many people here will tell you the best way to handle this.
You need to find a job, and your own place. You will need Medicare when you get older and must take care of yourself.
Good luck in changing your situation.

Hi Rhoda! I saw that your father had a stroke? I’m sorry that happened and that both of your lives have been greatly affected by this. Have you considered having some help come in to give you a break? Your needs matter too. You cannot expect him to change, BUT you can make changes that will help you to maintain your happiness and wellbeing. Praying for you as you navigate making the needed changes for yourself.

Time to move out, reinvent yourself, you will never find happiness as long as you live with him. He will not change, it is you who needs to.