What do I do now? Need to set boundaries with my elderly neighbor.

You just tell her you have your own family with your own priorities, and you’re very sorry but they come first.

Next time she calls you tell her that you are unavailable at the moment.
If there are days or a day in the week that you can set aside to help her, then tell her so. Say .."Mary, I can help you out on Monday and Thursday from 9am until 3:30pm. If she needs help out side of that time frame she can hire someone.
If you do not think she is taking care of herself other than when you are available you can report her to the Elder Abuse hotline in your State. (Self neglect is reportable) Or you can report her to APS.
If it has also gotten to the point where you can no longer safely help her tell her that you are unable to continue helping her and that she need to hire someone.
(By the way if you do want to continue I think she should be paying you)

"I'm so sorry, but I can't possibly help you today, I have other plans."

I agree with calling APS; this woman should not be alone.

You aren’t obligated to do anything. Call APS. Don’t answer the calls and say NO when they show up at your door,

I would talk to the Hospice Nurse and find out what she has been told. I know hospice has changed a lot over the last 10 years or so but at one time the one receiving care was not to be left alone. I would wonder if she told the Nurse you would be helping her out.

You may just have to be blunt with her. "Mary, I cannot be at your beck and call" I have my own family and responsibilities. When I say No I can't do that, you have to take No for an answer. You are too demanding of someone who is just a neighbor"

Now you can see why the woman is estranged from her family. Again, talk to Hospice. Explain you cannot be there for this woman the way she wants u to be. Ask if Hospice has volunteers that can help her? Maybe the aides can stay longer?

At this point I know backing out completely would be wise because this woman does not understand boundries. Its a shame though, she is terminal with nobody and you can see why. Maybe it would be better if she did Hospice in an AL or LTC. It would mean her paying for the facility. But she would have other people around and you could visit. Really, she may not need someone with her 24/7 at this point but she may near the end and Hospice needs to understand that there is no family and you will not be doing it.

Please update after talking to Hospice.

Why are you answering her calls? You can block her since she's clearly becoming a nuisance to you if it continues to get worse.

You do not need to explain yourself to her or to anyone really but for some mystifying reason, many people caught in your situation seem to be saddled with guilt for feeling the normal feelings associated with another person crossing our boundaries.

You can tell her honestly that you do not need to explain yourself to her. You do not owe her an explanation for how long your family is staying and, that if she continues to intrude upon your private life and time, you will have to end contact with her. Be upfront about how generous you have been with your spare time and that you feel that she is taking advantage of your generosity and kindness.

Just because she's dying doesn't give her the right to be ungrateful.

Is it a generational thing that so many people answer the phone everytime it rings? I never answer unless I know who it is and actually want to talk to them.

This is a tough situation for you. You want to help but now its evolved into more than you care to deal with, thanks to this neighbor having nobody but you to help her out after hospice leaves. I think you have to sit down with her for an honest chat now. Tell her your circumstances have changed, and after TEN YEARS of helping her, you're no longer able to. At all. You'd be very happy to help her arrange for Home Instead or another service to come in daily with a caregiver to help her with errands, cooking, cleaning, showers, companionship and whatever else she needs to have done for her, but you're not available any longer. Then help her find a gal to come in daily for 4 hours or whatever. If and when this neighbor calls you, don't answer the phone. You'll have made your intentions clear and then it will be on your neighbor to figure out her own life moving forward.

You've done so much for her, my hat is off to you. Please don't feel guilty for quitting this unpaid job now. Enough is enough.

move! how horrible that she's managed to lure you in like this, usually it's just children who are made to feel so much guilt. you are a good person but honestly if it were me i'd be looking for another place to live. certainly you could be blunt and insist you can't help her any more but we all know with these types that even the firmest refusal is unlikely to work. is she mobile? does she come and knock at your door or is it just phone calls?

If you are moving in September then why bother asking the question?

And as for her having less then 6 months to live. Says who? Her? This is her second time on hospice and as I have learned from other posters here people can live longer than expected and some people even get off hospice.

I think she is using the whole 6 month thing to keep you at her beck and call. You sound like you have more health issues than her and your description of her mobility and other things doesnt exactly shows person who is on deaths door.

My MIL has lung cancer stage 4 and has had it for almost 3 years now and sounds and acts healthier than ever since her diagnosis.

So now you know why she's estranged from her family. No good deed goes unpunished! You're an angel for your willingness to help her, but she either is mentally ill or has dementia. In either case helping her is now above your pay grade.

I would report her to APS and let them know she is a vulnerable adult and has no one else and that her only current help -- you -- are moving in September. Then you can block her calls or let them roll into voicemail.

Getting "out of this" won't feel good or comfortable but you've done yeoman's work for her out of the goodness of your heart. Now you need boundaries because she won't or can't respect them from her end.

Simple answer is, stop answering the phone and do not answer the door unless you were expecting someone. Then if you have a couple spare hours you can call her back to see what she needed. You do not have to answer the minute she calls. Her issues are not emergencies for you. You can get to them when you have time and you won't have time until next Tuesday. She has trained you to jump when she wants. Now it is time for you to teach her patience.

My father would call me at work and want me to leave work to come and fix his remote. Or at least come right after work, but I had kids in daycare that had to get picked up....and no I didn't have someone else to do that for me like he thought. Everything to them is an emergency.

Before you call APS, call Hospice just to make sure they know the situation. They may call APS when they find out she has no help. Actually APS may listen to Hospice better than you. I am pretty sure she told them she has a neighbor who can help her. I don't understand why these organizations and facilities don't confirm that there actually is someone willing to take on the responsibility of someone else's care instead of taking the patients wird for it. It's happened to members on this forum.

I think you are going to have a hard time making this woman understand that for the next month you are not available. Do not answer that door. Put a Do Not Disturb sign on your door. Concentrate on getting things done. Is anyone coming to help you? If so, let them answer the door and tell the neighbor "sorry Baffled is not feeling well" "sorry, she is busy packing and can't come to the door"

So sorry you are going thru this. I saw the writing on the wall when I was helping a GFs Mom and then my GFs family. Once you start, its really hard to back out without hurting feelings. I got out of it because I started babysitting my grandson. Then I had care of my Mom for 3 yrs after that. Then Mom passed and Mrs S kept saying I should stop by. By that time Mrs S's husband was gone, GF and her husband were gone and granddaughters were worthless. Mrs S was an only child and GF was an only child. So no family. I KNEW if I stopped by Mrs S would ask me to do this and that. She was in her late 80s, a nice woman that needed someone. But after caring for others for 4 yrs, I wanted my life back at 68.

Keep us updated on how things go. Hope your moving is a smooth one.

Baffled, you've gotten a lot of helpful answers, so I'll try to limit mine to adding just a few comments.

I do agree that you need to decrease the time spent immediately, but use the Indiana Jones substitution method. This is what I might do:

1. Research local sources - city, county, state- to see what they offer, but don't filter it by reading it all and making recommendations. Let her do that. Not only will it gently force her to make more of her own decisions, but you're not leaving her in a vulnerable position as she'll have the chance to make arrangements before you move. And don't back down.

2. If she continues to contact you, you might answer the first few calls but ignore her requests for your assistance and instead focus on what results she's had from contacting the entities on the lists you gave her. Don't ask if she's called; help her realize that you're backing out.

If she continues to call, continue the same inquiry, then announce you have to pack for the upcoming move and although sorry, just can't spend any more time helping her find assistance (not "providing" assistance, but finding it elsewhere).

3. Send her a lovely card stating how much you've enjoyed her friendship, taken pleasure in helping her in the past, and are now going forward, as you plan to continue your life elsewhere. It may not be possible, but try to focus on the fact that you're done, although you've made efforts to aid her in transferring reliance elsewhere.

Good luck.

You'd be doing her a kindness to call APS before she wakes up one day to find you moved away. Sure, you've told her, but that hasn't made any difference to her.

If you know the hospice organization, make sure they also know you'll be leaving. She may have told them she has a support system in place (you), so let them know that's not the case. Tell them you're leaving at least two weeks before you really are going. You don't need to deal with her stuff up until the minute you leave.

Why are you answering her calls? You're not a victim; you're a volunteer!

She's been all up in your business asking when your kids are leaving. How about you push back and get into her business? WHY is she estranged from her own family? (this is sort of becoming obvious). Anyway, press her hard for some names and phone numbers of relatives and contact those people. They probably don't even know she is ill and on hospice. They may or may not want to help her, but at least you will know that you reached out. Also do as others suggested and let hospice know you are LEAVING. Do not alter your plans for this person's demands.

As has been said, no good deed goes unpunished! In your shoes I would contact hospice. That is the right and only thing you need to do. If/when you do decide to take your neighbor's call, reply with no I'm not able to do that for you, repeat verbatim three times if needed. Then say goodbye. Like a broken record. It might feel unnatural at first but it works. She will not take a hint; she needs to be told straight. Your job is done!

To avoid work, I use my sick days. Now, my sick days are all used up, I am going to call in dead.

That's a joke I read sometime ago. But seriously, Baffled, you mentioned you have health issues of your own. Then, use that as the reasons to not work (for free.)

"Sorry, I'm not feeling well today."
"My __ has been hurting so much, I can't do anything today."
"I've got a doctor appointment that I need to go to."
"My medication makes me so dizzy, I can't focus today."
"Sorry, I am busy today. Lots of things to do to get ready for the move."
"Sorry, I'm gone."