You need to consult with an attorney specializing in elder care. Does your mother have a POA agent? Who is the POA agent? He may / will curse, etc. You need to do what is in the best interest of your mother. Gena / Touch Matters
Personal opinion here but with a diagnosis of dementia your mom should be in Memory Care not Independent Living. She would get more direct care in MC that she can not get in IL. If your step father is truly interfering in the care that mom needs you may have to look into getting Guardianship. This would probably not be necessary if she is in MC and he is either in IL or living at home. Although Guardianship would “rule” if he has POA or the fact he is the spouse. This might be a matter you could also discuss with the Social Worker at the IL.
Mocrob66: I am not sure that I totally grasp your dilemma since your profile states that your mother resides in an independent living facility. Is your step father also residing in the independent living facility and thereby causing you problems?
Ok so, if my mother had Alzheimer's and her husband was cursing me when I went over to care for her, and wasn't making sure she was getting her health care needs met, I'd raise the roof OFF of the house. I'd make sure he saw MY ugly side in a big hurry and then I'd call the police to report him for abuse. File a restraining order that he is not to go within 100 yards of your mother. Call APS. Do whatever you have to do to make sure he is removed from the house and your mother is either placed in Memory Care Assisted Living or someone is hired to come into the home to properly care for her immediately.
This behavior from your mother's husband is 100% unacceptable and must be stopped immediately because it constitutes ABUSE. I don't care if he has dementia himself or what his excuse is. Contact his family members to come get him out of the house if the house is in your mother's name. Do whatever you have to do to remedy this situation!
Do you think it matters how long the couple has been married, and the fact the husband is the next of kin? If there is a real problem in him stopping mother getting care then Court of Protection certainly, but if daughter doesn't like what he decides but mother is safe and being cared for it is Stepfather's choice for her care. We cannot just rule step-partners out because as a biological child we feel things should be different, any more that they can interfere in how we bring up our children. Its hard to have to watch but unless there is a risk, adults get to make their own choices, and husbands get to decide for wives and vice versa,
First of all, let him have it big time that he is to stop his behavior at once or you will take appropriate action and be prepared to do so. Stand up to these bullies - do not let them control you. Second, go to Adult Protective Services and ask for help and intervention. It is possible she is not being cared for properly and may have to be removed and placed for her own safety. In the meantime, see if anyone can check out what is going on with her husband - does he have dementia or is he just nasty and controlling. Try to determine more what and why things are happening.
His attitude probably won't change, so your approach has to. As hard as it is, grow some rhino hide to avoid any engagement with his comments. Get done what needs to get done and leave. Sing, hum a tune - whatever so he sees that his comments are not working. If he was able to verbally anyone at all to get them out of the house, he thinks it will work for everyone.
Worse case scenario, call adult protective and let them go inside. If he acts ugly with them and they can see she is not getting proper care, they may be able to help.
Not sure, I can give an adequate response. What health care needs are you talking about? Do you want her to have some meds and he disagrees? If Mom is not being "abused", you may need to step back. Perhaps, ask step dad how you could help? Maybe, bring healthy meals for both. Offer assistance for household chores. Take Mom for a brief outing. Best wishes.
We have social services here under the administration of the Department of Human Services. You should consider asking them to pay a visit, let them look at the situation to determine if there needs to be some intervention. It could be your step father has his own issues. If this is not some family issues that began years ago or if he has declined in mental health, it would be good to get some help, opinions from those trained in this situation. That's the easy part. How to get DHS into the home to conduct the interview without exciting your stepfather is the tricky part. I suggest arranging your visit with the professional from DHS and introduced as a friend. There would be an immediate perusal of the home, her health, his health and later after leaving decide if further interviews and examinations should be arranged. Remember its out of concern for your Mother and not trying to avoid confrontation with her husband.
Good suggestions; I'd add that at least in my city Adult Protective Services pretty much steps right in if the right 'buzzwords' are given when reporting: such as, 'elder is not eating', 'elder is not getting medication', 'elder has no heat'. A neighbor's family was neglecting her and once APS came, Within An Hour of Being Called, the family had to get their act together or otherwise the elder would be placed, family possibly charged with abuse.
More info is needed here. Is your stepfather's mental capacity also diminished? Did you always have a contentious relationship? Does your Mom indicate she is in distress? What needs aren't being met? Without knowing background info, I would advise trying to "win" step-dad over by being upbeat and positive, complementing him, bringing a treat that you know he likes, and doing small tasks that help him to "help" your Mom. From what you say, he sees you as a threat - if you can change that mindset, whereby he starts trusting you, you may be able to steer him towards easier and better ways to help your mother. Is that manipulation? You bet it is - but if the end goal is to ensure your mom will be cared for and you can have longer visits - go for it!
Is your father rational enough to care for your mother? Is he doing an acceptable job? If so, let him do it. If you see that your father is unable or incapable for providing the appropriate care that your mother needs? Then, you got a double problem.
It seems like you are making a case that your mother is being abused through neglect. f so, take steps to become her guardian or call the authorities to remover her from your stepfather's care.
You have to tread softly and make sure you're not making your Step-dad feel he's not doing a good job helping your mom.
Mare sure he doesn't think you want to put mom in to a Nursing Home.
Believe me when I tell you from experience that Nursing Homes are a Horrible place to be. They are all understaffed and you are basically left alone. They won't answer the call button and if you can't go to the bathroom by yourself, you will lay in your own urine and feces for up to an hour or more.
If you're not mobile or if you need help you can forget it.
You will just lay in your room all alone, all day except 3 times a day someone brings your meal and hope you can feed yourself or you won't eat.
You'll also have a Nurse come in to give you your meds.
You'll have a cleaning person come in once a day.
That's it.
Hopefully for the sake of your loved one, you can have her stay home.
Nothing is worse than a Nursing home.
You'll visit a Home and they'll tell you and show you what you want to see and hear.
Don't be fooled, they're a business and trying to make a sell.
While your mom can still make choices, have her sign you as her Health Power of Attorney.
It is a hard one. He probably feels he should be the one who cares for her. There is also the fear of losing her and he may be in denial. My stepfather fought the need for a diagnosis and it took a while for him to accept help. It takes time and patience. Try not to be too assertive but try encouraging change. Good luck.
Your Mom needs a higher level of care than she is getting. Does SF have some decline too? Did this man raise you or is he just Moms husband to you. Does he have kids of his own?
If he has kids of his own, time for them to worry about his care. You need to get Mom into an AL if she can afford it or a nice LTC facility. You also need to secure her half of the marital assets. I would see an elder lawyer to see what can be done.
"...84 years old, living in independent living with alzheimer's / dementia, mobility problems, and parkinson's disease."
For the time being if you are concerned about her well-being (and I would be), you can use a "therapeutic fib" to take one or both of them out for an "appointment" or errands, lunch date, etc. Someone else then either takes the stepdad outside or distracts him while someone else gathers your mom's essentials and she is taken to a home where she'll be temporarily cared for. Then you can call APS for the husband to get him on their radar as a vulnerable adult. He may call the cops on you but then that would work against HIM. Is anyone your mom's PoA? If it's her husband (and he has the paperwork to prove it) then you may need to go for guardianship, or contact social services to see if there can be emergency guardianship.
My cousins had to rescue their elderly 90-yr old mom when her jerk husband wouldn't get care for her. Once she was taken to her son's home, the dad stewed in his own juices by himself then decided to go to his bank (because he was more worried about his money than her) where he fell and got a head injury and died in the hospital. Poetic justice.
Does your mother have a POA agent? Who is the POA agent?
He may / will curse, etc. You need to do what is in the best interest of your mother.
Gena / Touch Matters
She would get more direct care in MC that she can not get in IL.
If your step father is truly interfering in the care that mom needs you may have to look into getting Guardianship. This would probably not be necessary if she is in MC and he is either in IL or living at home. Although Guardianship would “rule” if he has POA or the fact he is the spouse.
This might be a matter you could also discuss with the Social Worker at the IL.
This behavior from your mother's husband is 100% unacceptable and must be stopped immediately because it constitutes ABUSE. I don't care if he has dementia himself or what his excuse is. Contact his family members to come get him out of the house if the house is in your mother's name. Do whatever you have to do to remedy this situation!
Good luck!
Worse case scenario, call adult protective and let them go inside. If he acts ugly with them and they can see she is not getting proper care, they may be able to help.
If Mom is not being "abused", you may need to step back. Perhaps, ask step dad how you could help? Maybe, bring healthy meals for both. Offer assistance for household chores. Take Mom for a brief outing.
Best wishes.
Without knowing background info, I would advise trying to "win" step-dad over by being upbeat and positive, complementing him, bringing a treat that you know he likes, and doing small tasks that help him to "help" your Mom. From what you say, he sees you as a threat - if you can change that mindset, whereby he starts trusting you, you may be able to steer him towards easier and better ways to help your mother. Is that manipulation? You bet it is - but if the end goal is to ensure your mom will be cared for and you can have longer visits - go for it!
Mare sure he doesn't think you want to put mom in to a Nursing Home.
Believe me when I tell you from experience that Nursing Homes are a Horrible place to be. They are all understaffed and you are basically left alone. They won't answer the call button and if you can't go to the bathroom by yourself, you will lay in your own urine and feces for up to an hour or more.
If you're not mobile or if you need help you can forget it.
You will just lay in your room all alone, all day except 3 times a day someone brings your meal and hope you can feed yourself or you won't eat.
You'll also have a Nurse come in to give you your meds.
You'll have a cleaning person come in once a day.
That's it.
Hopefully for the sake of your loved one, you can have her stay home.
Nothing is worse than a Nursing home.
You'll visit a Home and they'll tell you and show you what you want to see and hear.
Don't be fooled, they're a business and trying to make a sell.
While your mom can still make choices, have her sign you as her Health Power of Attorney.
My stepfather fought the need for a diagnosis and it took a while for him to accept help. It takes time and patience. Try not to be too assertive but try encouraging change.
Good luck.
If he has kids of his own, time for them to worry about his care. You need to get Mom into an AL if she can afford it or a nice LTC facility. You also need to secure her half of the marital assets. I would see an elder lawyer to see what can be done.
"...84 years old, living in independent living with alzheimer's / dementia, mobility problems, and parkinson's disease."
For the time being if you are concerned about her well-being (and I would be), you can use a "therapeutic fib" to take one or both of them out for an "appointment" or errands, lunch date, etc. Someone else then either takes the stepdad outside or distracts him while someone else gathers your mom's essentials and she is taken to a home where she'll be temporarily cared for. Then you can call APS for the husband to get him on their radar as a vulnerable adult. He may call the cops on you but then that would work against HIM. Is anyone your mom's PoA? If it's her husband (and he has the paperwork to prove it) then you may need to go for guardianship, or contact social services to see if there can be emergency guardianship.
My cousins had to rescue their elderly 90-yr old mom when her jerk husband wouldn't get care for her. Once she was taken to her son's home, the dad stewed in his own juices by himself then decided to go to his bank (because he was more worried about his money than her) where he fell and got a head injury and died in the hospital. Poetic justice.
A little more information would be helpful..
Do they live at home or in a facility?
What are your mom's healthcare needs?
Does your step-father have mental health or cognitive issues?