I am a late in life baby, only child of a 94-year old father who has always made poor decisions but is of sound(ish) mind. He believes strangers more than me (or any female), and tries to sneak in the backdoor to get things done.
His backdoor policy is a life-long thing. Every job since he was 16, he got by going to the back door, finding human resources, and sweet talking his way in (ahead of those compliant people who'd queued up properly.) He recently got a lamp repaired the very same way - parked in the back, found a back door, looked for someone doing repairs. When the repair person told him to go up front, he told them how old he was and he couldn't even wait long. She repaired his lamp on the spot and didn't even charge him. This has been his tried and true method for decades.
Last month he tried to "get around" seeing his primary physcian to see his orthopedic doc. I told him multiple times, this was not how medical appointments worked, but he had been assured by "an old vet like himself at Walmart" that if he could see the doc, his primary needn't be bothered.
When he showed up without an appt (drove himself, put an old parking sticker on his car, changed it to the current date, and parked in short term ortho parking), he was told he needed an appt through his g.p. Someone escorted him to his g.p.'s building (but same campus) where he was told his g.p. was out of the country. This escalated into the receptionist calling someone from the emergency room to get him as he was obviously confused. He refused to believe he needed his gp to make an appt (because what a male stranger from walmart says trumps a girl who actually knows.)
While there, he was told to call the nurse when he needed to get out of bed, go to the bathroom, etc. He did not. He tended to himself.
After a couple of days, they find nothing wrong but he had refused to complete the neuro and pysch tests, so they "felt" he had some kind of cognitive dysfunction, so was diagnosed with adult failure to thrive.
His grand backdoor scheme landed him in the hospital and took away his eligibility to get VA assistance for asst living. He lost his ADL designation.
Now, he wants me to "to get it back" for him.
Fortunately, a kind nurse called me and told me although he had not completed his psych/neuro tests, he scored frighteningly high for borderline personality disorder, specifically narrcissism. We spoke almost three hours. She urged me to seek counselling to protect myself him.
I have. And boy, am I seeing things in a different light.
For the past five years, every thing I did, he countered. He wanted thing a, I set it up, then he didn't want it, I had to cancel. Then he wants thing b. I set it up, then he's changed his mind, I have to cancel. Now what about thing a...
His life is simply wanting people to jump through hoops for him.
At his followup, his gp told him he was far too healthy for a nursing home, and now he is h*ll-bent on getting into one.
He's starting to walk hunched over when he thinks people are watching. When he's alone, he walks upright. (I, my husband, and friends have witnessed this.) He tells me he's so weak he can't punch the microwave button (he cancelled meals on wheels because they didn't deliver his lunch when *he* wanted it delivered.) but he's able to lift a 10lb hamper atop a washing machine. He's able to do what he wants when it suits him. He wants sympathy for things not even wrong with him. He's been telling neighbors he's blind. Nope, just this year his vision has changed from 20/20 to 20/25, and his glasses correct it! He's been crying "wolf" his entire life.
(Side note: I've heard stories since I was a child about how he had to go and fight in WW2 and this relative or that neighbor stayed home and made money, so that why they had bigger, nicer whatever. Just last week, I researched eight of these men online. Every single one of them served in WW2, most of them with a longer tour than he had. I am really starting to doubt anything he says or have ever said.)
I've worked with the social worker and availed all the services suggested. Even she said he was a tough case. He's too "rich" for medicaid, too poor for assisted living, and too healthy for a nursing home.
I know he's old, he's chased all his friends and most of the family away, so I'm sure he's lonely, and he's a narc.
I am tired of trying to discern what's real and what's not. I am tired of jumping, trying to be the good daughter. I am darn tired of the lies and abuse.
And now I am back to square one.
My questions are :
1. Does anyone want to adopt my dad?
2. Do I just now, start patiently waiting, again?
3. Is there something I should be doing?