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I am in a very difficult situation with my Mother. She has always been a very narcissistic and manipulative women. We have never had a relationship, but I am her only living child left to provide her care and it's difficult. When I was 7 years old I was raped by a friend of my parents. When I told my Mom and Dad about the traumatic ordeal, my Father was ready to go after the man who sexually assaulted me, but my Mother said to my Father, how do you know that she is telling the truth? She also told me that I brought this on myself and that I deserved what happened to me. Well last night we had a heated discussion because we had a visit to her neurologist and we discussed long term care options that will be better for her to leave my home. She was irate and very defiant last night, refusing to take meds, wear her oxygen and go to bed. We got into a argument and my past was brought up about the above incident. She AGAIN blamed me for what happened when I WAS 7 years old. I was sexually assaulted several times throughout my childhood by bad seeds that my parents associated with, but I stopped telling my Mom because of the fear of her reaction. I want to cut ties with my Mom and move on with my life. I don't even consider her a Mother. I have lost all respect for this woman. She has never loved or cared for me the way a Mother should, the way that I am with each and everyone of my children. I had a brother who committed suicide at the age of 27, while living at home with my parents back in 1996. My Mother never supported my brother or helped with his depression. She could care less about her children. She was never there for me as I raised 4 children. My now grown children, never had the grandmom with my mom.
I am actually at the breaking point and have decided to place her in a long term care facility, but she is refusing to leave my home and I don't know what to do. In the past 3 weeks I have had to call 911 on her twice, but when the police and paramedics talked with her she was sweet as could be and told them that she in fact was the victim. They told me that they could not take her to the hospital against her will. I am praying that I will be able to get her out of our home, where we can all live in peace once again.

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Abusive parents don’t stop abusing when they get old they just change tactics.

I agree with the advice here, place her in a home, it isn’t up for debate. You couldn’t stand up for yourself as a child, you can now.
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One thing you can count on, is that at some point she will make a trip to the ER for something. Afterwards, refuse to take her home. If you don't take her home, a social worker will be assigned to fast track getting her placed somewhere.
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Next time she has a emergency and goes to the ER tell case management you can no longer care for her . The Hospital has a social worker who can help find placement for her . Just say “ she needs 24 hour care and I am not able to do that .” By having your Mother living with you isn’t helping your psyche . Make yourself number one and close the chapter .
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Maryjann Feb 2022
Does that work even if Mom just goes to the emergency room and the hospital doesn't want to admit her?
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CSimmers, You say you have love in your heart for your mother and brought her into your own home willingly. You also say that your mother has Alzheimers. Yet you say that she has refused to give you POA, and she could interact with EMT personnel perfectly. I believe in a recent post you told us that your Mom has a gambling problem? That because of this you put proceeds of the sale of her home in a joint bank account I don't know of any elders with dementia who are capable of gambling to any great extent.
If your Mother is diagnosed with dementia, then she is incapable of giving you POA at this time. If you go to an Elder Law Attorney you will be informed that if your Mother has no diagnosis of Alzheimer's, and if she is at all capable of making her own decisions you will not be able to win in a guardianship case. Without winning said case you have ZERO power. I believe in your other post you told us it was your intention to see an elder law attorney to discuss the accounts/taxes questions. Without winning a case for guardianship you would likely be on the hook for about 10,000 for court costs for your Mom's lawyer, which would be provided to her, and your own costs.
If I understand correctly your Mother abused you throughout your life. You have a therapist to help you with that. Your Mother was invited into your home by you, and by your own choice because you love her. Your Mother has NO diagnosis of Alzheimer's or other dementia? Your mother does not want to give you any POA.
If the above is not true please let me know where I misunderstood you?
If it is true you have to answer one question for yourself. Do I wish my Mother to leave my home. If the answer is no, then on you go.
If the answer is yes, then you must first tell your Mother you want her to leave your home. You offer to help her find either placement in facility or an apartments nearby and assure her you will help her (with grocery shopping, appointments, whatever) out of love. You give her a time limit. Two months sounds right.
THEN, if your Mom will not leave you go to see a landlord/tenant lawyer. Rules vary widely. Your Mom would have a lot of rights in San Francisco. Other places, not as much. You go about proceedings to evict your Mother from your home.
These are the facts unless I am missing something. Otherwise this situation will not only continue for you, it will gradually worsen as Mom's mental and physical capabilities get worse. There will be no upside for you. You will never hear the words you long to hear from her "You are a wonderful daughter and I don't know what I would do without you and I love you so much". That isn't your Mom. Never will be.
I sure do wish you the best. I hope that's a GOOD therapist you have. Some just listen and sympathize, which is a good sounding board but doesn't shake one up enough to act in one's own best interests to move out of habitual ways of life.
Good luck moving forward.
Older post:
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/i-have-a-financial-question-about-taxes-can-i-claim-this-on-my-tax-return-472793.htm
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CSimmers Feb 2022
She has dementia. She was never diagnosed with Alzheimer's and I never stated that she has Alzheimer's. She has COPD, Dementia, and Parkinson's symptoms. Some days she is ok and other days she is very confused. Her neurologist is treating for dementia. We own our home and she lives with me, she can make some decisions at times, she is not completely over taken by the dementia, but none the less has been diagnosed with it. Her neurologist also believes that she needs an psychiatric evaluation and told me that a lot of what she is doing is more than likely a personal trait, (her personality). She was told by her previous MD that she cannot live alone because she was having terrible hallucinations and calling the police stating there was a person living in her attic. I since moved her up here with me and have gotten her the correct medications and doctors in hopes that her quality of life would improve. She rarely has hallucinations anymore. I have joined a group called Legal Shield and will be contacting a law firm for legal advice.
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I had a DIL who was an abused child. Neither parent was invited to her wedding, and I was told in no uncertain terms by her clergy/counselor that this was the best thing. Before he died she saw her father again (hadn't for a very long time) and he told her he loved her. She has idolized the shmuck since then. Her inappropriate adoration for Daddy screwed her up even more and eventually helped destroy her marriage. Note to self: abusive parents don't deserve love and respect.

From what you say, you have been a martyr by trying to do the right thing (like so many abused children turned adults) and taking care of a biological parent. Stop. Now. All of it. If Mommy Dearest can take care of her self let her. You will feel better about kicking her out. If she can't then you call for outside intervention and tell them you can no longer care for her. Out she goes.

Get help to get out from under this burden. Let your family who you love and who love you help you. Be honest with them. Do what they tell you. They are suffering through this too.
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Maryjann Feb 2022
I agree with what you're saying but it sounds like Mommy Dearest won't go and no one is willing to cart her off. I don't know if you can evict a dependent adult.
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From your profile: "I am caring for my mother Ruby, who is 74 years old, living in my home with age-related decline, alzheimer's / dementia, anxiety, arthritis, depression, incontinence, lung disease, mobility problems, parkinson's disease, sleep disorder, urinary tract infection, and vision problems."

What kind of caregiving do you provide? How many hours/day?

What does your therapist say about moving her out of your home? Is he/she helping you achieve that goal?

In light of the past abuse, I would say you have no responsibility towards this woman at all. The next time she goes to the ER, tell them you can not take care of her. Then she will become THEIR problem to place somewhere.
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CSimmers Feb 2022
I am caring for her by cooking and preparing her meals and snacks, washing her clothes, taking time from work to take her to each of her doctors appointments, bathing her as she cannot get into my tub alone, giving her, her medications ect. I work 8 hours a day from 6:30 until 3:00pm Monday through Friday out of the home and then when I get home from work I work another 5 to 6 hours tending to my Mother's needs until I get her in bed for the night. My husband works second shift so he is there for anything she may need until I get home. My therapist agrees that she should be placed in a care facility but again, I am not able to just drop her off at one.
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Like AnnReid noted, if you are her PoA and she has a medical diagnosis of dementia, then you can transition her into AL or MC (whatever she qualifies for at a facility). Your profile says she is 74 and has dementia/ALZ and other medical ailments. You may need to tell her a "therapeutic fib" to get her moved in and facility admins know how to work with families to do this. Paying for a facility (with her funds only) will be another matter.

In the interim you could contact social services for your county to see if she qualifies for some in-home care so she starts to get used to others taking care of her and giving you some distance and a break.

You do have the option of resigning your PoA. Depending on how advanced her dementia is, she won't be able to assign anyone else. You can allow the county to become her legal guardian and they will place her and manage all her medical and financial care. Again, contact social services to discuss.

Have you seen a therapist to work through the abuse and denial issue with your mother? This is very serious. You should consider that you have a dysfunctional co-dependent relationship with her. You need a wise and objective voice to help you put up boundaries to protect and restore yourself. We don't get to choose our families but as adults we get to choose how much we interact with them. You are not responsible for your mother's happiness. You have done more than she deserves to date. You do have options (and she won't like them but too bad). I'm so sorry for all your pain and suffering but you can work on that now with the choices you make moving forward. They will feel hard but there can be light at the end of this tunnel. May you receive healing and peace!
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CSimmers Feb 2022
Yes, I am talking with a therapist. Thank you for being so kind I appreciate it. My Mom refuses to give me POA. So I am kind of in a mess right now.
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Dear Cimmers, What if You had a medical or psychological emergency and had to be hospitalized for some time? Would that prompt a dislodgment of her from your home? Work with your therapist to possibly suggest a few weeks in inpatient trauma treatment recovery for yourself. Would that prompt placement of her since someone has said she can not live alone any longer? And, who is paying for the phone that she gambled on? I I would stop paying for it and/or get her a flip phone with none of those options. Sending you strength.

Also, its not unheard of to take her to the Emergency Room yourself without telling her where you are going. Once there, you tell them that you can no longer care for her in your home and it is unsafe. As someone else said " she needs 24 hour care and I can not do that." Then the SW at the hospital will eventually have to intervene. As someone who worked in the ER for many years, I used to despise when people would do this and I didn't understand why they would do this. Now I see why.
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This isn’t a difficult situation at all. “Mother” (which she wasn’t one) needs a home. Find one, get her admitted, and go on with your life.

The “but it’s my mother!” stance means nothing when she was not your mother at all. She chose men over you. You will never get closure or a deathbed “I always loved you and I’m sorry I didn’t protect you.” She is cruel and mentally ill. There is no fixing or chance for reconciliation with these people.

A mother who lets her child be raped and never protected her is NOT a mother. Period. End of story. You don’t have to be her daughter. Change the script.
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There are no words for your mother's behavior: there's no need for you to extend the torment she has brought upon you. I would venture to say that she is and always was unstable: this is something you could work on with a therapist.

Please call Adult Protective Services and request a social worker to place Mom. Start videoing her behavior (baby cams?) so that you can prove her mental state.
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