I came to Louisiana with my partner so he could be with terminal father. The father has long passed but partner wants to stay here with his family. I have never liked living here and now that I'm ill I want to move back to Illinois where I have family and a support system. We aren't married but leaving a sick partner seems wrong yet I have my own ill health and heart disease to care for. Since he has family here and I don't how do I move back home gracefully? I might add that our relationship has been bad the whole time as he has basically abandoned me for these 10 years and chosen family over me at every step.

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How to leave gracefully:

Don't argue and place blame.

Explain that you have chosen a different path than him.

Don't say anything in anger, no matter what anyone says to you.

Handle the house and belongings as a business deal. What's his is his and what's yours is yours.

Take care of you and don't worry what him or his family thinks, they haven't cared about you in ten years, they ain't gonna start now, so don't believe any sentiment expressed to manipulate you.

Change is hard, so decide on a course of actions and stick to it.

Best wishes for an easy transition.
Helpful Answer (20)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal

Thank you to all who responded. Your comments mirror my family's but I wanted unbiased thoughts. Yes I own the house and it's in my name only (I fixed my aging care profile) and since hurricane Ida devastated the area I've been frantic getting stuff fixed outside and sorting, donating and throwing away that which is no longer necessary for my survival. My goal is to have it ready to list no later than February so I can be gone before August unleashes another storm on the state.
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Reply to NotSouthern
rovana Oct 7, 2021
Smart moves.
I know ur a woman from your post but looks like your profile is incorrect.

Do you own the house? If so and partner is not on the deed, then sell it, giving him papers that say he needs to move out by a certain time. Ask the Realtor if he can represent u in the eviction if ur partner refuses to leave. U can give temporary POA for this purpose. That way you can leave when u want to.

If you want to move home, do it. And you reasoning is sound. You too are ill and cannot take care of him and he can't take care of you. He has support there and you need to go home where your support is.

Go gracefully by finding resources he may be able to use. The County Office of Aging may help u with this. Ours provides Senior bussing and aides if he fits the income requirements. Medicaid has "in home" help but then again, he has to have a certain income.

Do not allow your leaving to drag on. If the house is not yours, then moving will be even easier. Explain to him that he has never made you a priority that's been his family. And that's OK because they now can care for him because you don't feel you owe him anything at this point. To make moving easier, give him the furniture. Only take your personal stuff and what you need to start over. Sell things.

If you don't make this move, you will regret it. Your gut is trying to tell you...time to go.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to JoAnn29

My dear lady - what on earth are you waiting for? Your father is gone. Your partner has his family where he is and does not care about you. Your family is away. He is not the partner you should have or hoped for - so what if he is sick. You are too but he does not care. You owe it to yourself to live life while you still can - go home to your family where you are loved and will be looked after. This is not something to have guilt about - it is called common sense and looking to care for oneself as they should do.
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Reply to Riley2166

Please choose to care for yourself in whatever way you know is best. There’s zero reason to stay in a place or with a person that’s not good. Guilt is for those who’ve done wrong, that’s not you so don’t let that false emotion in. Tell your partner you’re going to leave and care for yourself, and then don’t argue or discuss it again. Your partner has his own family to help, it’s time you make this break. I wish you well in changing life for the better
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to Daughterof1930

You answer most of your own questions - you’re not married, the relationship is bad and always has been, and your partner has never put you first. No guilt involved in leaving. There is nothing there which gives even the faintest hint you have any obligation to stay. You have no connection to his family so are unlikely to ever see them again, so any guilt you would have would be only that which you choose to carry, and based on how you describe the relationship, that should be none.

On the more practical side, your profile says you own the house (assuming you are the “Cindy” being cared for). Evicting your partner may be a hitch in the plans. Your state does not recognize common law marriage, so your partner is likely legally considered a renter/roommate. This is a case where a divorce may have been easier as the laws and protocols are in place for dealing with such a breakup. You may need to consult an attorney anyhow for the best procedure to remove this person so you can sell your house and leave.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to Goddatter

If you have mingled funds in any bank accounts, make sure you get your half out of each account before you tell him you are moving back home. When he hears you are finally going to take care of yourself and sell the house, he very well might lash out and rush to drain all accounts of every penny. If you are jointly on the accounts you won’t have a leg to stand on.

So many people we trust to be fair and honorable, end up being anything but fair and honorable. I’ve personally been devastated by thinking my partner was honorable, and got screwed out of LITERALLY EVERYTHING. Everything. I got the police and lawyers involved, they tried to help, but his name was mutually on all of my accounts, and he took it all and got away with it.

Do not trust your soon-to-be-ex partner. Protect yourself.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to BeenThroughThis

Why would feel guilty for leaving a relationship that has been over for many years? You've got nothing to feel guilty about, and you are now to the point that you must do what is best for you, and that sounds like moving back to Illinois, so just do it. Put your house up for sale, and let your partner know that they will have to be out by the time it sells. Wish them well, and get on with living your life and taking care of your health. Life is too short and precious to continue living in misery. Best wishes.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to funkygrandma59

He has his family to lean on in Louisiana and you have nobody. Being unwell yourself, go where you have a support system and people who love you. Leave on good terms and with no negativity between you. That way, there will be no guilt from hard feelings.

I divorced my ex after 22 years, but should have left after 12. The last 10 years I stayed were due to misguided feelings of guilt and obligation which was a mistake. The divorce was in 2002 and we're good friends to this day.

We only have ONE go-around in this life, so be sure you're making good decisions for the right reasons. You're not deserting your partner in the middle of nowhere after he's treated you like a queen for 10 years. You're finally doing something for YOURSELF that seems long overdue.

Wishing you the best of luck with your health and with starting a new chapter of life. Change is always scary but its also like the icing on a cupcake: the best part.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to lealonnie1

You just answered your own question. If your relationship has been bad and he abandoned you go home. Stop putting guilt on yourself. Don’t be a what’s best for YOU. Good luck 🍀
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Reply to Katefalc

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